Mar15

Purpose, Pain, & Jesus

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Purpose, Pain, & Jesus

I know it has been a cool minute since I have posted. I will tell you in the world of cancer often times, no news is good news! That is currently true for me. I had routine imaging done at the end of January and the results were all good news! No progression, no new disease, and the current disease it still shrinking! I am so, so thankful! I did change medicine and have even had an increase of dosage because after one round my numbers were good. Then again another bump in dosage! At the end of the February I saw my oncologist and we decided to bump it up some more. Thankfully, the medicine is working and my side effects are easy in the scheme of things. I have mostly good days. Some days are better and some days are meh. I have been on the higher dosage since last Friday and it has been a rougher week. So, pray my body adjusts and I have less meh days! I am thankful for my job and season of life allows the flexibility I need to rest and adjust.

We have had much to celebrate and much to grieve these past few months. I have been affected by and attended 4 funerals since the middle of December. This blows my mind as I even type it. We all can just take it one day at a time. As I look back I see and feel WOW, just wow. It has been and it is a lot. I do not know why but, I am always astonished by the sweetness of God’s nearness during times of grief and pain. He brings peace that gives me strength.

I recently read a book, that I 10 out of 10 recommend, “Even If He Doesn’t”, by Kristen LaValley. ONE thing she said that stood out to me was, “when we are obsessed with finding the purpose for everything, we’re seeking comfort in the purpose rather than the comfort of Christ…when we stop trying to squeeze purpose from our pain, we can rest in the peace of God. His peace,-the peace that ‘transcends all understanding’-will hold our hearts perfectly when we don’t understand.”

Now I am not going to lie and say that knowing the purpose never gives me comfort or helps ease the pain, but it cannot be on what I depend. For sure I get giddy and stand in awe when I can look back and see the minute details that were weaved together by Father God. I tend to be a Pollyanna and look for the good and seek the sunshine, but often times in this messy thing we call life it is hard to find the good or wrap our minds around understanding the why. Life is hard. Bad things happen. Fair is often NOT how things land.

So, I guess what I am trying to communicate is knowing and understanding purpose can empower and encourage, but it cannot be where we seek our comfort and peace. We will be disappointed and possibly even hurt more when there is no purpose to find. Healing comfort and peace only comes from and in Jesus. Painful things like cancer, addiction, betrayal, death…, do not make sense and would be senseless to find purpose in, however, Jesus brings comfort amidst all the senseless. God is still so good despite the pain in this world. God is still good during cancer and grief and loss, even when there seems to be no purpose.

And then the celebrating! We had lots of family fun celebrating Christmas. I had a blast at my 47th birthday party! No, I am not too old to have a birthday party game night! I have enjoyed sweet times with friends. I have attended some great events, had fun with my sweet kids, and seen successes with students and colleagues…AND then a few weeks ago my precious first born got engaged to be married! So, shrinking tumors and getting a son in law is a lot of GOOD! I have much to celebrate in the midst of and/or despite pain, loss, and the senseless!

God is good during the celebrations and God is good during the pain. I hope we are all able to see the good and also rest in Jesus during the painful. jj

Nov13

Big Week(s)

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Big Week(s)

Big things have happened over the last few weeks AND big things happening this week over here in my world! The end of October and the first week in November I got to have all the things tested, imaging done, contrast received, and more imaging done again! If there was a punch card or a bingo card I could get stamped I would have got to call, “BINGO”, because I have been to all the major health care systems in the OKC metro area! I could go on and on about my gratitude for health care workers. I could also talk a while about my gratitude for health care and technology and the wisdom allowed for those who can do and see and imagine all the things. I feel such gratitude for access and such a selection of health care facilities. It truly is such a gift. My heart hurts for so many around the world enduring such pain, loss, and chaos. This makes me that much more aware and thankful for the gift of health care.

The good news is all the tests and imaging shows that the treatment I have received is working! The lesion on my liver has decreased from 2.1 to 1.2, I do not know if that is mm or cm or inches or yards or a footlong, I just know it is shrinking! There has been no other progression and the tumors in breast and lymph nodes are also shrinking! I will have more imaging, hopefully this week to get a more exact picture of how much those have decreased!

Scripture talks about a “peace that passes understanding” (Phil. 4.7) and that is exactly what I have experienced! Especially, in that MRI machine! I do not know what it is, but it is like I am enveloped in love and peace when that table moves me in and out and the noise is clambering like construction workers with a jack hammer digging through cement! I just feel peace and imagined that clanging was the rigs and engine of a cruise ship. If I were laying on the deck of a cruise ship and men were hanging on side of ship cleaning the windows or painting some part of the ship or just the engine from the ship I would not mind the noise. This is partly what I imagined with that loud noise! Sadly, there was no drink with an umbrella or pool games happening when I got off the table, but there were sweet health care workers showing kindness and compassion! And, oooo, that sweet peace and love of Father God surrounding me!

Some other big news is my medicine. The medicine God has used to shrink all the things, well it has also knocked my liver enzyme numbers off the chart high. I am so special to be part of the 1% of people this does this too. This means I have had to stop that medicine to keep my liver healthy and safe. So, I will be beginning a new medicine this week! Please, pray it works and keeps shrinking the tumors, that my liver responds or doesn’t respond, and that the side effects are non-existent or at least tolerable!

Other big news is because the lesion in the liver has decreased I get to see a doctor about radiating/removing (?) doing something to what is left of it. This could lead to me being able to be in remission from the liver cancer! Not to get too far ahead of myself, but this is exciting possibility.

The next big news is I am getting my girl guts out, a hysterectomy. Due to my type of cancer I am at a higher risk for other types of cancer, so if I can remove some of the risks then I am going to do that. I am so thankful for the life these parts of me have provided, but I am at peace to let them go! Please, pray as I will be having this surgery, Monday, 11.13.23. I saw the surgeon on Friday, 11.3.23 and she said she was booking surgeries about 4-6 weeks out. Well, I then got a call the following Wednesday, last week and she said “how about Monday!??!”

Thank you to all of you that ordered an “Celebrate Today” t-shirt! The proceeds from this helped me pay some of the copays that were due with all the tests and imaging! So, thank you! If you would wear it some time this week and think of me, pray for me, and then send me a picture of you wearing it, this would make me so happy!

Another big thing was a really special time I had at a retreat for Stage IV a.k.a. advanced cancer a.k.a. metastatic breast cancer (MBC) patients and their support person. We dubbed ourselves the lead singers and back up dancers. This was a really sweet time my sister and I experienced and I plan to share more about it with you soon!

Those are the highlights of the big things happening over here. I am sorry if any of it was more than you wanted to know. I just keep being reminded about pain and challenges that we all carry and I do not want to shy away from sharing the hard. Life is hard. My hard may look different than your hard, but that doesn’t make it any less/more hard. You may not be laying on an MRI table, but it still may be loud and scary. My hope and prayer for you is that you will take time to listen and be aware of Sweet Holy Spirit enveloping you. I hope you can hear and feel the Peace in the midst of the loud and chaotic. He is there. 💜jj

Oct14

Mess and Change

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Mess and Change

I feel great! I am in my third month of treatment. I feel healed. Maybe it is a mindset. Maybe I am in denial. The fact is the tumor I initially found that launched this journey I can no longer feel. That tumor was about the size of a fist.😧 I cannot feel it at all now. Also a fact is my stamina is more limited and I battle fatigue. I have quick waves of uneasiness/nausea/heat flash, but they are quick and completely tolerable. My blood work confirms I am on treatment. Some things are high, some things are low which is expected with my treatment. The biggest concern right now is my liver. My liver enzymes are off the charts high. My medication dosage has been adjusted to hopefully ease these numbers. These high numbers are not anything that I yet feel or notice symptoms of, however, clearly I do not want to damage my liver. At the same time I do not want to decrease medicine if I do not have to, because I believe it is working. Pain and discomfort I faced this summer is gone. I feel great!

So, send up praises to our big, awesome Father God! AND of course, please keep lifting me up! Pray for continued healing and that those liver enzymes get down to where they need to be! Also, pray for my sleep. I am tired, but battle being able to go to sleep at night.

I will have MRI and Pet Scan at the end of October/first of November to get an inside view. Also, in the next month or so I will see a oncologist gynecologist surgeon (you know that was a lot of school to earn that title!!😁) and then hopefully have surgery to remove ovaries. The kind of cancer I am fighting is genetic and puts me at a higher risk for ovarian cancer, so I will get those ovaries outta there. They have served me well and been successful in their function!

We are settling into a routine after so many changes the last few months. I am absolutely loving my new job! I am still overwhelmed in the best possible way with God’s provision at just the right time! I am honored to get to work with the people I get to work. I love the challenges this new position brings as I search and discover creative ways to reach and connect with kids/families virtually. I stay motivated learning different platforms and methods for teaching and learning. I cannot even adequately express the many ways Father God has orchestrated this job {and the people and working from home and the variety of students and the level of professionalism and care and the balance of challenge and comfort the job, the position, and the organization} to show His love for me.

During the last 6 or 7 weeks I also had the opportunity to take a class virtually. I am teaching virtually, so why not learn virtually? I took a writing class that met once a week for 6 weeks. The first lesson was about poetry. I like poetry. It is not something I regularly read and for sure have not had a practice of writing since it was required of me in junior high. However, I paid for the class so I was going to follow directions. In that class the teacher (precious Kristen LaValley) said, “look around your room and write a poem about something that makes you happy or brings you joy.” Now she gave a little more instruction before that, but that was supposed to be our inspiration. Okay, hold this thought…

You know how when you clean out a drawer or closet and everything has to come out of the drawer or closet. Then you wonder how all of that fit in that space. You are surrounded by a mess, right?!

Okay, now this writing class started during the first weeks of school. Remember the “whirlwind” of change?!? Well, I had to transition from going to work at a school with a classroom to going to school across the room in my house to teach at a desk with a computer. I have not been set up to work from home, so lots of change was involved. I moved my bed where my “dressing area” had been and put a desk/virtual classroom where my bed had been and then had to consider what will my classroom look like behind me. I don’t want students to see my bed, but if they see the window then there will be glare and I myself want to be able to see out the window…Then how do I know what I will need because I still will need office stuff and globes and items to use when teaching…but all my classroom stuff is mixed up, all boxed up, but I know I have at least 6 staplers and tape dispensers, but which tub are they in in the garage and why does this stupid, dumb, stupid printer not work now?!?!

So, when the teacher says look around the room and write a poem about something you see…I am thinking, ugh, uh, what?!? It was/is a mess. So, this is the poem I wrote, mess and change.

Just so you know, my teacher said poems do not have to rhyme. All of this to say… Change is hard and often not pretty and often not fast. For the last 7 or 8 weeks anytime my sister comes into my space, I ask, “does it look better?” She generally, looks at me like I am kidding (I am not), and says, “um, yea, sure.” 🙄 Well, it takes time to adjust to change and sometimes little adjustments make big difference even if not obviously seen by anyone else. I think I finally have my monitors how they will stay, but there are still piles of really good stuff surrounding me that does not have a nice home yet. That is okay.

My journey in the world of cancer has brought much change. The mess of this change is scary and much of the change/mess is still unknown and yet to be discovered. That is okay. I am doing the best I can with what I know now and can do now. I am living my best life and praising God for His consistency in my life in and through all the changes and all the messes!

Do not be too hard on yourself during your changes and messes. Some things take more time than others and that is okay. I have found for real growth there is generally change and mess that comes before the growth can be seen and/or recognized by yourself or others (like your sister). Remarkably, after the pain and frustrations of the change/mess things are clearer, brighter, fresher, and hopefully, in regards to my work space more organized!

I love you all and am so thankful for your continued support, texts, messages, cards, hugs, and all the prayer! Thank you to everyone who has ordered a CELEBRATE TODAY t-shirt and if you have not yet, then you have until Sunday, 10.15.23. ORDER HERE 💜jj

Aug23

Whirlwind

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Whirlwind

Whirlwind. That is what the last few weeks have been. So many changes. Some changes were long expected and some came out of nowhere! In my last post I had a list of prayer requests, well, I can report that your praying worked!

I do not even think I could list all the little details I am aware of that God has orchestrated. I will try to share some from the last few weeks, but seriously, it is so crazy how He WORKS it all together for my good. So, I am here to give Him all the glory. What really blows my mind is that He is doing all this orchestrating when I do not see it and do not recognize and am not aware. However, sometimes, you can not not recognize.

My health. I finally started treatment of hormone blockers! I am feeling great! So, after all the waiting and tests and more tests. I started drugs to stop feeding the cancer. This is good. I will have tests and scans in about 4 months to check the effects of these blockers. NEW PRAYER request: pray the hormone blockers work! Pray they stop the growth and spread, and make the cancer go away! So far, I have had appointments every few weeks to check blood and symptoms and everything is moving forward! Bottom line-I am fighting the cancer and feeling great!

Now a few of the beautiful details that scream, “I AM”, God. I did see a different oncologist. The oncologist did not change any of my treatment plan and I was encouraged because she confirmed that the plan I am on is the best and most aggressive for my diagnosis. The twist here was her delivery. Remember, when I shared the word, palliative? She guffawed ( I have never used this word, but it is most appropriate) when I asked her if this is how she would describe my treatment. Palliative? NO! She said we are treating to cure AND put that liver cancer in remission. The other CRAZY, beautiful twist here is that as she was looking at my PET scan results that showed the initial concern of cancer in the liver, which led to our cries for no cancer showing in the MRI of liver, she said the spot seen was so small that many doctors would not have even recognized it as concerning and would have treated me as if the disease was localized. The imaging was so close to normal that it could have easily been overlooked. So, IF my prayers, and yours would have been answered as we asked and NO CANCER would have been seen in the liver via the PET scan, MRI, and biopsy, then I would NOT have been receiving the best treatment plan possible. Is your jaw on the floor?!? I know!

This is part of the other beautiful part of God working all things…the new doctor I saw was referred to me by a new precious friend who has been walking a similar journey for YEARS and has been so encouraging to me! She called Nurse Vicki to get me in for me to then find out that many sweet friends have also seen Dr. Toma, so they started calling and telling Nurse Vicki to get me in! As soon as I called, Nurse Vicki, she was fighting for me and encouraging me, calling me back before I was even a patient just to update me on my insurance referral and to say I am still working on it and we are ready to see you. If I say this was a night and day different experience from what I have been experiencing these last few months it would not adequately describe the awesome difference in care, respect, and value of relationship that I have been missing and did not even realize I was missing. ( I know more run on sentences and if I was telling you this, I would not have been able to stop and breathe in the telling either!)

Okay, another check on my prayer request list. My job, my life as a teacher around wonderful, yet germy and exhausting middle schoolers while I am fighting cancer. I was geared up, had been doing all the things one does to get ready for a new school year, had had a few planning meetings with coworkers, had done some required professional development, had began working in my classroom…Then on a Wednesday one week before my official report back day I scroll passed a virtual teaching job opening post because I am already settled and have basically started the new school year, did not even think about it. I went to bed and dreamed of teaching virtually. I RARELY remember dreams. However, when I do, it stops me or wakes me and I listen. As soon as I was awake enough and coherent and the sun was up I sent an exploratory text. I was just asking what does a day look like for a virtual teacher?!? So, I saw post on Wednesday night, sent a text to the principal early Thursday morning, had phone call with more questions, had interview early Thursday afternoon, came to realize that this was THE PERFECT situation for my season of life. Every question I asked received a crazy, perfect answer. I have never made such a life changing decision as quickly or with as much peace. Friday morning I received a job offer, Friday afternoon I accepted it, Friday evening I quit my job I loved that I had no plans of quitting, Saturday morning/afternoon I, my family and amazing small group from church packed up and moved me out of my classhome (my brick & mortar school was like a home). Monday I started my new job. Do you feel tired and like your spinning just from reading that?! Yea, I still feel like I am spinning. Oh, and my new job, new insurance will cover MD Anderson (previous insurance did not) when and if I choose to go there, but because of confidence I now feel with Dr. Toma and her confidence I do not currently see the need!

During the same time as I am beginning my treatment plan AND making major career changes my sweet kids are climbing hills and moving mountains with their own big life changes! Lydia, the oldest, has started a new job, started grad school, continued coaching, and got a boyfriend! Zoe has left me. Okay, maybe that is too harsh, I mean Zoe is moving on to more adventures on her own. Zoe has moved and started college in Stillwater at OSU. Nate, my baby, has been left as the only child at home, but is he really home?! He drives, he works, he goes to Home Depot, he has started a new high school. Which is another God orchestrated life event. Early this summer Nate had decided to return to Moore, where we live, to attend school with kids he grew up with through elementary. He left Norman schools where he has attended the last 4 years. Only God knew I would not be in Norman anymore and the added blessing of Nate being in school 2 blocks from our house AND now my job (at our house)!

So, ya’ll I know that is a lot AND this is only my small attempt to share a slice of all the beautiful orchestration of God’s WORKING it all for my good. In my brain I know God is always working for my good, but it is so good for my heart when I can see and be aware of the intricate details He is working. It truly is stunning.

The challenge is when we cannot see. When we cannot feel. It is so hard and can be so painful when we are far from understanding the intricacies and details of the how and why of our lives. Most of the time during pain and injustice it is frustrating to even attempt to make sense of the whys of life. Why cancer? Why betrayal? Why is the answer often no? Why do people lie? Why are we mean? Why do bad things happen? I want to always trust. Trust my good, good Father even when I do not understand and when I cannot see the beauty. If I believe God has worked all of these details out for me (and I do) then I must believe He is working everything from lump to liver. If he is orchestrating these amazing things that would make no sense without Him that I can see then He is orchestrating what I cannot see too. Cancer is still awful. Injustices are still wrong. The peace and security come from knowing He is working it for my good. He is taking the awful and working it for my good. May we all be open and aware of His goodness when we can see it and trusting when we can’t!

What to pray for? Continued strength and that I continue feeling good! Adjustments for my kids as they are doing all the things. Adjustments that come with new job and working from home. Continued discernment and peace with next steps and appreciation for the journey even when it is slower than I want it to be and do not understand all the whys.

Aug2

Not What I Would Have Chosen

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Not What I Would Have Chosen

Well, I did not get the results I would have chosen. My liver biopsy shows my breast cancer has metastasized and is in my liver too. This means I have stage 4 breast cancer. When breast cancer has NOT metastasized, which means spread to other parts of the body, then it is treated with chemo, sometimes surgery, and sometimes radiation. This is a curative treatment, meaning those things tend to cure it and make it go away. When it has moved or metastasized to other parts of the body it means it is in the blood and can pop up anywhere, this is also what pushes the staging to 4. Stage 4 is treated palliatively, meaning it most likely will not be cured and not go away, so let us see what we can do to slow down and/or stop the growth and spread of cancer. Ugh!

{Obviously, I am not an oncologist or a medical doctor of any kind, but this is simply my understanding and what I am learning.}

So, what is the plan? What happens now? Again, not the plan I would have chosen, but hormone blockers. Hormone blockers are the plan. My cancer grows and is fed by hormones (ER+, PR+, HER2-). So, I will orally, daily take hormone blocker pills to stop feeding the cancer. Hormone blockers work slower than chemo but can be taken and used much longer than chemo. The side effects are generally less extreme than chemo, which means I can continue living life somewhat normally, whatever normal is!

My hope and prayer is still for complete healing. I hope and pray the hormone blockers will stop the growth and spread, so then eventually I can have surgery to remove tumors from my breast, lymph nodes, and liver, then chemo, or maybe, it is chemo, and then surgeries?! Or I may just always be on hormone blockers.

Bottom line as of now, no chemo and no surgeries. I am taking it one day at a time. Doing what I can do with what I do know. Enjoying the last days of summer until returning to school. Staying in the facts and feeling all the feelings. I recognize this is going to be a long fight and I am ready for it!

If you want the longer version, please, keep reading!

Ellie Holcomb has a song, “I Don’t Want To Miss It” and I don’t. I don’t want to miss the blessings along this painful path. I want to learn and grow all I can during this season. I don’t want to miss the hand of God as He gives me peace when receiving the next bad news. I don’t want to miss the comfort He gives when I meet another survivor on a similar journey. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to give grace and a kind word when… someone tells me I will need to wait for some stupid reason and I know they have to enforce and follow stupid, stupid, dumb procedures because that is the law or idiotic insurance/government rule and they are the person who works in this stupid system and has to attempt to rationalize this stupid system every day and most people do not respond kindly…so, I want the opportunity to be kind. And I have had multiple of these dumb, stupid opportunities. And, yes, sorry, that was a bit of a rant…My point is I am here for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly.

It sucks, it is sad, it is crummy, and discouraging to get bad news during each doctor appointment I have. It has the potential to be overwhelming if looking too far into the future. I am realizing this is not going to be a quick fix. When Nate was diagnosed, we quickly had a diagnosis and almost as quickly had a treatment plan. His treatment plan was the same treatment plan he would have received no matter where he was treated in the U.S. This is sometimes the case with cancer treatment, depending on the size of the tumor and/or the location of the tumor(s) there are certain protocols. These protocols have a start and end point. When cancer has metastasized there are more factors, which make treatment less definitive. So, there will be more choices and decisions to make as I progress. How the tumors respond to the hormone blockers and how my body responds to this treatment are a few of those factors.

Perspective. Perspective is crazy. Many of you, as I would be if I was hearing my news as not me, feel sad for me. And it is sad, however, I have been so encouraged by hearing others’ perspectives. In a Facebook group I have gained access to because of my new status as a “Mets” girl I have been encouraged by others walking a similar journey. Comments such as, “Wonderful only one spot”, “Oh good, only on your liver”. So, again, I find in my life the statement “it could always be better, but it could always be worse” is so glaringly true. My perspective has changed these past few months as I have rolled through “oh no, cancer”, to “oh, thankfully only one spot in the liver”! I am telling you it is so strange to be disappointed to not get to have chemo. I am so thankful for the advances in breast cancer research that changes and improves protocols. For example, my diagnosis if received 5 years ago would be treated differently than it is now. Oh, I love being on the cutting edge! (insert some sarcasm)

There is another song from Bethany Barnard, “You Know“, that also resonates with me. It is a powerful and one of my current anthems! It proclaims the power of Jesus and that despite life not being what we have chosen God is bigger than it all. I believe God brought Jesus back to life and since I believe that, then, of course, I believe He can heal me or walk with me (which is just as much a miracle) on this journey because He is bigger than it all. I trust Him even when it is not the path I would have chosen.

I am so grateful for your continued love, prayers, and support for me and my family. I feel so loved and supported. So, many of you have asked “What do I need or what can you do for me?” I do not know and I wish there was something great, tangible that I could tell you I need. Just keep praying. Many of you have spoiled me with little gifts and cards and they hit the spot and have come just when I needed them!

For those of you that pray I got a long list! Pray for my discernment, endurance, no nausea, no extra exhaustion as I return to work, continued peace, healthy balance of work/life/health, of course, keep praying and encouraging my sweet kids as they embark on new seasons of life and at the same time want to care/worry for me, and my precious mom and sis as they take care of us all! My insurance does not cover MD Anderson, however, I have chosen to self-pay and scheduled a little one-hour appointment to gain a different perspective on my treatment plan. That is currently scheduled for early September. I am also considering changing up my medical team here, so pray for discernment for that and appointments to open up if that is the direction I am to go, and if you are praying anyway, go ahead a lift up me to having to take a few less dumb, stupid insurance/scheduling/referral hurdle jumps, red tape, stupid excessive phone conversation things.

Thank you for reading to the end. I apologize for a few run-on sentences, I just couldn’t properly express myself without them. And one more song to encourage you! Wonderfully Made is a good one! Be encouraged! You are wonderfully made and made for lots of good things, so get out there and live your best life! I am! jj

Jul7

First MRI and Journey Launch

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First MRI and Journey Launch

This Spring I was dropped back into the foreign land of cancer. Fourteen years ago I visited this foreign land with my son. So, I am familiar with many of the customs and the language. However, it is a different perspective here as the patient. I do not have the blind innocence of a child. I know and understand what the words mean. I carry the weight of responsibilities of an adult, of a mom, of a sister, daughter, a friend, a teacher… I walked with a warrior through his battle and this gives me comfort and determination. I have also walked through other painful, traumatic seasons and am confident in a sovereign, powerful God. My great God goes before me, beside me, and behind me. Previous experiences have taught me I do not have to know and understand all the whys and reasons to be able to walk with joy, peace, and wonder despite the awful and the unknown. And the unknown is one of my biggest battles. It is in the waiting and the unknown I must most lean into a loving Father.

There have already been sweet times with Jesus as I have been in this battle land. One of these experiences was during an MRI. If you have ever had an MRI you will know that they are not the most fun, nor relaxing, or really have any enjoyable qualities. It is awkward, cold, uncomfortable, and loud. I had heard horror stories of claustrophobia and panic. However, I did go in prepared to make it through despite discomfort and knowing it was a short time of the day. I could do it.

For this MRI I was face down. This was good because I could not see anything except the table beneath me. However, this was not good for the very same reason, I could not see anything except the table beneath me. My face was in a massage table-type pillow, however, this was not a massage. My arms and hands were stretched beside and above my head. One arm had an IV for dye and the other hand had a “panic” or a “if you need anything” button. The table slides the body feet first back into a tube. I had noise-canceling headphones on that did not cancel the noise, but muted it.

As I was sliding into the tube and as the noise increased I began to feel a little anxious and all of a sudden felt very thirsty, felt every point of discomfort up and down my body, and immediately hated my non-existent view. So, I slowed my breathing and began to pray. I thanked God for His goodness, His faithfulness to me, I thanked Him for my people, and the strong support of people all around me. I thought that 25 minutes was not too long and that I could sit and do nothing for 25 minutes and often longed for just 25 minutes to lay there. I reminded myself of the fact that people survived an MRI every day and there were people available on the other side of the wall. I began to feel peace and the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit surround me and hold me. I was impressed that nothing is for nothing. I asked Him, how could I be used and what could I learn?

My church has the motto, “Love God, Love People, and Push Back Darkness”. This is not something at the forefront of my mind all the time, but it became very vivid to me in this machine. I want this motto/charge/statement to be at the forefront of my mind as I continue this journey. I have already had so many interactions with people my path would have never crossed if not for this part of my journey. So, I continued to thank Him, first for you, my children, the Big Ten, my sweet friends, my community group, my Lion family, and everyone I have known up until now.

Then I began thanking Him for the people on this journey with me. The doctors, nurses, aides, technicians, clerks…I have already met so many people and {most} all of them have been kind and doing their jobs to the best of their ability. So, I decided this is what I could do throughout this journey is to love God, love people, and push back darkness. I am all about taking pictures, so I am now attempting to take pictures with some of the people I encounter along the journey. No matter our jobs or our daily routines we can all get perfunctory with routine interactions and I have seen this with these interactions too. It has already been fun to see a little darkness pushed back, just by simply thanking people for doing their job and asking people to take a picture with me!

Since, this first MRI, I have had a PET Scan and an additional MRI of liver. I have met with a different oncologist and a breast surgeon. I have been diagnosed with Stage 3b OR 4 breast cancer. I have had a port placed and am just ready to FIGHT. There has been SO MUCH WAITING! Today, 7.6.23, I met again with my oncologist. I have a liver biopsy scheduled for July 19th, which means more waiting. I really do not want to wait for the biopsy results to begin treatment, however, this is the current course!

I have also started the process to be seen at MD Anderson in Houston. I have had a doctor tell me I am special, of course, she did! I would hate to do anything the easy way, so my doctors did encourage me and suggested MD Anderson would be good for my special case. So, pray that insurance, approvals, referrals, records, and all the things happen that need to happen to get me there as soon as possible or you know whenever.

Please, continue to pray for NO CANCER in the liver. I have never wanted a cyst, fatty liver, tissue, or inflammation so badly. If the liver is cancerous, then, treatment begins with hormone blockers. I also, never thought I would be HOPING to GET to have chemo, which would mean cancer is localized! So much of life is about perspective. I really am trying to appreciate the journey, but this bumpy, winding road is exhausting! It is worse than riding backward in the back of a station wagon through the back roads of Arkansas/Missouri!

I hope you are enjoying your journey too, whether it be from the back of a station wagon or the front seat of a jet plane! Thank you for your continued love and support! jill j.

Sep16

Even If

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Even If

When my son, Nathan, was 2 and a half years old he was diagnosed with Stage 3 Wilm’s Tumor, which is a kidney cancer. He had one kidney removed, underwent radiation, and had almost a year of chemotherapy treatment. Nathan has now been cancer-free for 12 years (as of 8/23)!

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I am aware of childhood cancer every month, every day, but September is a time to focus efforts and bring awareness to everyone. The need for awareness is because of the lack of funding for childhood cancer research. Due to limited funding, there is limited research to discover the causes of childhood cancer. Children do not get cancer for the same reasons adults do. Childhood cancers are not generally caused by smoking or sun or plastic or microwaves or cell phones or too much whatever, they are children and have not had enough time to do anything to cause this awful disease. So, too many kids get cancer and the cause is unknown! Also, due to limited funding, there are limited treatment options. Therefore, children are treated with adult protocols. Yes, they are adjusted for children, but the fact is kids and grown-ups are different and even when adjusted they are still treatments created for bigger bodies that are done growing and changing.

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No matter the age, cancer is awful. Not all people are cured of cancer on Earth. All of that to say…I am so thankful for the treatment options and the healing that so many adults and children have because of the treatment available. Eight years ago Nathan’s dad and I agreed to all treatment possible knowing the risks. We chose and would choose again to do everything possible to fight cancer.

Each Fall Nathan returns to the “Clinic” at OU Children’s Hospital for his annual check-up. Thankfully, for him most of the time it is fun. He has more memories that are good than bad, which is an answer to my prayer. He does not remember the long hospital stays, being sick, or any fear. He is comfortable with having blood drawn, he does not mind the warm jelly (ultrasound), the stickers all over( EKG) are routine, he thinks it is cool to pee in a cup, and he would be fine going in the donut (CT Scan), but thankfully he no longer has to do that. He likes getting to see friends (nurses and clinic staff), he likes getting a cookie from Kamp’s, and he sometimes talks me into eating in the cafeteria, although, I do have many memories from eating in that cafeteria, so we generally avoid it! :/

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Last Fall was Nathan’s 7th year check-up off treatment. His check-up was harder on both of us for a few reasons. Nathan’s TLC (Taking on Life After Cancer) doctor is amazing! Since he is amazing he does a really great job of meeting kids where they are developmentally. Now that Nathan is 11, 10 at the time of this appointment, the doctor was educating him on his medical history and just making sure he had a good understanding of what happened to him and what the risks were because of his treatment. These were things like possible secondary cancers developing, kidney failure in one good kidney, infertility, heart failure, spine damage, and skin cancer due to radiation…often these late effects are seen around puberty as the body is changing. Yea, it was a real fun appointment! Okay, no it wasn’t! Nathan and I were both shell shocked! None of what he shared was new information to me,  but most I choose not to think about and do not need to think about because my boy is now strong and healthy!

The other reason we did not like that appointment was because of some of Nathan’s lab results. No cancer, still cancer-free! However, his results showed concern about his remaining kidney. This could have been caused by a few different things, so we agreed to make extra effort to drink lots of fluids and come back in a few weeks. We did that and numbers were higher, we drank more, and came back again. Numbers even higher. Then, we were sent to a pediatric nephrologist (kid’s kidney doctor).

In January 2018, we met with the nephrologist and she quickly, bluntly told us that “Nathan had stage 3 kidney disease and would need a kidney transplant within the next few years. Hopefully, he could avoid dialysis and go straight to transplant. I am so very sorry, see you in 6 months.” This was caused by the late effects of chemo. Yea, another great appointment! Not!

Precious Nathan, afterward, decided he “did not really like that doctor and he thought a transplant would really hurt, because, when he had his tonsils out he thought he was going to die, it hurt so bad, and he thought a transplant might be way worse!”

The one good thing from appointment was that he did not need to go back for 6 months and there was nothing we needed to do. I have learned that when they want to get you in as soon as possible that is bad.  Six months until you need to come in again is a good thing. No call from the doctor is a great thing.

This also meant 6 months to pray. Six months to lay my boy on the altar of God again. Six months to anoint his head with oil and pray healing. Six months for our support community to lift Nathan up to our Father. Six months to accept. Six months to trust. Six months to believe God knows best. Six months to increase our faith and know that no matter God’s answer He is faithful. Six months to know “even if ” we will trust.

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So, in late July I picked up my boy from children’s camp to take him for the 6 month follow up. Same doctor, nephrologist, but she had a different demeanor and a pep in her step! She said that Nathan’s numbers were so much better!  After getting his current labs, he was now stage 2 chronic kidney disease!  Who would have thought we would be so excited about stage 2 chronic kidney disease?!?!  (It is all about perspective, people!) People live with stage 2. People do not get a kidney transplant with stage 2! No check-up for a year! Woohoo! A much better appointment! A few days later Nathan saw his regular pediatrician for another check-up and she was shocked by our news. She said it was rare for anyone to go down a stage!  What?! Wow!!! We know our God is AMAZING!

We praise God for this healing! We know that it is God’s grace and mercy. We would have praised God no matter what, but we are so thankful for this answer. God is so good even if…We trust God through cancer, we trust God through the unknown, we trust God through chronic kidney disease.

It is never a dull moment for the Jcrew! I could say so much more about how amazing our Father is and I could say more about how grateful I am to get to be mom to 3 incredible kids, but I won’t today! We love you and are so thankful for your continued prayers and support of our family! We continue to enjoy every moment and appreciate them all!

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Jun19

Love Your Neighbor

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Love Your Neighbor

I cannot even begin to imagine living in a place I did not feel safe. I cannot imagine loving my country, but knowing I, nor my children, could survive in my birth country. I cannot imagine knowing my only option for survival and life was to take the risks of entering a country illegally because that risk was less than staying in my own home. I cannot imagine knowing I may die even in the journey. Knowing I may not get to stay even if I survive the trip. I cannot imagine having made it to safety, but still living in fear, because I may be separated from my children and family, but it was worth the risk. My children were worth the risks for the idea and hope of a new life.

Then another side, which I cannot imagine either, is knowing the United States as my home, but living with the fear that I may be forced to move to a place I do not remember, a place that I do not know, a place that my family has fled. I may be forced to leave my house, my job, my life simply because when I was a child my family brought me to a place that would allow me a better life.

These 2 scenarios are just a slice of the fears and realities of so many. There are millions of other stories and realities that I cannot fathom. Realities that I personally do not face because I was born in a particular area of the planet. Because nothing I did allows me rights and freedoms that I have only because of where I was born. My children have rights and freedoms because of where they were born, so they do not have to fear being forced to move and I do not have to make plans to get them someplace safe and with hope. I do not have to take risks and make sacrifices to ensure they are safe and that I am able to feed them and offer them choices for a hopeful future.

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A few days ago I posted this image/quote on my social media accounts. I was then traveling and did not see all of the dialogs about this post until a few days after posting. WOW!

I was jet-lagged and busy after returning from my trip and so saddened by much of the conversation that it has taken me some time, thought, and time with Jesus to even formulate a response.

The point of this image was validated. The arguments supporting what is happening at our borders, the arguments supporting a “wall” are saturated with hypocrisy. It seems TO ME the majority of white, evangelical Christians are on the wrong side of the immigration issue. This breaks my heart. For followers of Jesus to not simply just be okay, which is sad enough on its own, but to also be loud, vocal, staunch supporters of laws and actions that are so devastating to people is overwhelmingly sad.

Each that posted was passionate and a few dogmatic in their approach. This does not surprise me. The arguments and discussions were not new to me. The issues of immigration law, policy, reform are a major issue in our country. I understand that this one issue is encompassed in a multitude of more issues and layers. I understand this is not an easy situation. I understand that there are laws and reasons and there are complexities that I do not grasp.

We do not choose where we are born. Simply because we were born in a certain area of the planet does not make us better or worth more. Why would anyone not want to help another person have safety, security, and hope for life? Safety, security, and hope we have simply because of where we were born.

Millions of innocent people were killed because of laws and policies. Did that make it right because that was Hitler’s law and it was illegal for a people to work and live and breathe simply because of being Jewish? I do not buy this idea that the only problem people have with illegal immigrants is the legality. “If it was done legally…” If that was the case then why are Christians in the United States not standing up, yelling from the mountain tops for the law, the policy to change instead of supporting families being torn apart? Instead of supporting and cheering for the building of a wall. Instead of shaking their heads and pointing their fingers at problems because of “them”?!?!

Jesus was clear in His message to love our neighbor. There is nothing loving about taking parents from children. There is nothing loving about forcing people to leave because their parents brought them to the U.S. before they even had a choice. There is nothing loving about making and enforcing laws that destroy homes, families, people. There is nothing loving about taking away hope and possibility.

Detachment and ignorance are a few ways that I can see that a follower of Jesus can justify their belief that this deplorable treatment of people is okay. Surely, if a person has any relationships with an immigrant person whether they be legal or illegal then there would be a better understanding of this situation. When I use the term relationship, I do not mean, they mow my lawn or clean my house. I mean meaningful relationship that I know the names of their children, meals have been shared, we attend each other’s celebrations. Unless you are in meaningful relationship with at least 3 immigrant families and understand their reasons for immigrating to the United States, then I do not believe it feasible to have a clear understanding of more than one side of this immigration issue, an issue that is personal and about real-life people.

Mark 12. 29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[e] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’[f] 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[g] There is no commandment greater than these.”

As believers of Jesus, as people saved by grace, as followers of Jesus we are to love our neighbor. We are to love our neighbor whether our neighbor be legal or not.

I hope that if I came home one day and a family had illegally come into my home and after the shock and fear that I would have, and when I discovered how and why this family was in my home, I hope when I realized that they had escaped from the neighborhood nearby because there was a riot or a tornado or a gang take over or a pollutant or some other danger that did not allow them to ever go back…I hope that I would see passed what was MINE, that I would love them and be grateful that I had a place to offer safety that I would welcome them into my home and help them find a new way. I hope I would love them as Jesus commanded. Is that not what he offered me?

Thank you, Father, for your love for me. Thank you, God for your mercy and grace in my life. Thank you for your provision when it seems there are no resources and no way. I pray you will open the eyes of your people. I pray that those who do not know you will see You through your people. I pray your people, that we will love our neighbor even when that looks different than we think it should. I pray that we will stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. Help us be a voice for the voiceless. I pray that we will love extravagantly, that we will be willing to make sacrifices so that others can be loved. I pray that we will have your eyes. Jesus, help me see what you see, love like you love.

Father, I pray for those who are looking for better way. I pray for mercy for the families that are in what seems to be a hopeless situation. I pray for protection and peace for the families that have been divided.

Jun20

Milestones are Bitter/Sweet

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Milestones are Bitter/Sweet

mile·stone  ˈmīlˌstōn/  noun  plural noun: milestones
1. a stone set up beside a road to mark the distance in miles to a particular place.
2. an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development.

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The Bitter

Milestones with my kids are the most difficult for me. Difficult in that I feel the loss of their dad the most. We are in a healthy groove in the day to day of life, but it is when those special days or moments come that I miss him the most.  He is not seeing the battles being won. He is not seeing the successes and finish lines being crossed. Oh, my kids and I are spoiled rotten with people that love us and cheer us along the way. My kids do not lack for people in the crowds that are excited with every victory and success. I am not whining or ungrateful for the overwhelming support we have with the simple successes of each day and the cheers for monumental successes of a lifetime. We are loved!

 

But the loss is always there. There is a void no one else can fill. It seems silly in the moment when I am overcome with tears because a new school year is starting or my heart breaks because another school year has been completed. It is because someone is missing. Someone that we know should be there.

These children are not only mine, they are ours. I hate not getting to share these moments with the man who was there with me when they drew their first breaths. I hate it for our kids because the void and the pain is there for them too. I play the role of mom and dad, but we all know I am really only the mom. There is someone missing.

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I know the details of our situation are unique, their dad is still alive, but not able to participate in the daily. I know for various reasons there are others that deal with these milestones with just as much pain. I hate it for them too.

It has been 2 years since we began feeling this void. The pain of the milestones is different than the sadness of the situation or circumstance. It is not regret. It is not doubt. It is not even the loss of what was or could have been. It is not pain of divorce, this is different. If divorce was the only issue this loss would not be the same.  I don’t think this is a pain that gets better over time. Is this grief? Maybe it changes?  Maybe is gets more familiar?  The void will always be as big no matter how much time passes, no matter who comes into our lives, no matter how many are holding us up. It is what it is.

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The Sweet

The sweet part of the milestones is that they keep happening! Challenges are faced. Victories are celebrated! Goals are met!  Lessons are learned! Grade levels are completed!  Physical therapy is completed! Awards are earned! We move to the next level!  We rise up! Fears are conquered! We get back up again! Life keeps moving and because of God’s grace we just keep moving into them! Our children are thriving! They are so brave and full of life and determination.

All 3 kids successfully completed another year of school! They are all on honor rolls for earning A’s and B’s, one is an overachiever and made Superintendent’s Honor Roll with all A’s. I am super proud of all their hard work with everything that they do! I am grateful for their hard work and effort at school. I am even more grateful for the special things like citizenship awards and new challenges conquered and excellence in leadership.

It is thrilling to see them developing the gifts that God has given them. It is overwhelmingly good to see them embracing these gifts as they learn what those gifts are and how to wear them and give them back to Him.  I really love getting to be their mom. I have enjoyed each milestone from walking to driving a car!

In the Fall Lydia will begin her Senior year. She will be concurrently enrolled at OCCC as she gets a jump start on college. She is also Captain of her school’s Pom Squad and will be a part of her high school’s leadership group. She has faced pain and challenges this year that are giving her more grit and grace. Her no nonsense attitude and seeing the beauty of her facing mountains head on is INSPIRING!

Zoe will be in 7th grade and her first year of Junior High. Zoe enjoyed the opportunity this passed year to be a part of Canterbury Youth Voices. She sang a solo beautifully in school talent show!  In the Fall she is excited about  being in her school’s choir and being a part of her dance studio’s Teen Dance Company. Zoe’s courage blows me away!  She is TOUGH! She tackles her fears in a way that leaves the observer not knowing that she is even facing a fear, then when she is successful, she tells you wow that was hard.

Nathan will be in 4th grade, the only Johnson left at the elementary! He was the only boy in the 3rd grade that earned the Citizenship Award! He conquered many academic challenges this year and was super successful! Math awards, reading awards, the 200 club(kindness) regular… Academically it was his best year yet!  As we figured out what methods of learning are optimal for him, accepted his need for medication and discovering which ones are best for him, he just kept rocking and a rolling! He has a gift that leaves everyone smiling and believing you are his best friend, even if you have just met! Last year he enjoyed playing on Upward basketball team, so we will see where his interests lead him this year. He likes most things with a ball, or on wheels, or underwater!  He really enjoys doing whatever it is he is doing at any given moment!  He loves LIFE and enjoys most every moment!

I am super close to finishing my Masters Degree in Secondary Education. Hopefully, that will be an exciting milestone to share next Spring! It has been a challenging, unexpected, not part of my plan adventure! I look forward to seeing how God uses this piece of my journey! I have been blessed to get to continue to work in my family’s income tax and property development company. I look forward to getting a teaching position, but am content to wait until this opportunity comes.

Even Sweeter

I feel the sweet Holy Spirt in the pain and triumph of every milestone. I know we are not alone. I know God’s ways are way better than mine. I know that He protects us. Although, there is a void, there is also Holy Spirit God holding, comforting, and allowing us to continue to live and celebrate every milestone, the big ones, and the small  ones! I am so, so grateful God has allowed way more than I can handle, because it has allowed me to know Him more, trust Him more, and depend on Him for everything.

I am super excited about all that God has planned for us in the coming months!  I pray you are able to feel the pain of your voids and celebrate the sweet too. I encourage you to lean in to Jesus in the bitter and in the sweet. I would not be able to do anything if not for Him.

 

Jill

#4realjill

 

 

 

May25

Spring 2016

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Spring 2016

I walk a fine line in respecting the privacy of my children, at the same time keeping those of you that love and pray for us updated. So, this post will be somewhat of a bragging post.  Mainly, because I am so proud of my kids, but  even more  so in awe of our  Creator and My Savior!  Most of you that I see regularly will learn nothing new, but for those of you that don’t, then this is what I would share if I saw you at the store and you asked how is…

Lydia

My sparkle! She is in 10th grade for one more day, soon to be a Junior,  on her high school pom squad, and has a cute boyfriend! She is brave and strong and has matured so much this year. I work in a tax office, so January until recently I was working a lot and in graduate school.  She is the oldest and has carried much extra responsibility. She amazes me. She juggles school, pom, being friend, and big sister brilliantly. She has faced challenges this year and had successes and multiple learning opportunities as she learns to balance and choose well.

She has no idea how much influence she has with her  siblings in everything from is this a good song to how are we going to respond to mom.  They look to her for reaction, responses, and understanding. She pretends she does not care about anything, but actually she is one of the most compassionate, thoughtful people I know.

 

Zoe

Zoe tells it like it is.  Most things are black or  white. Zoe will boldly tell you exactly how and why it is or is not! There is never need to wonder what she is thinking or feeling, because if you can not read it on her face then she will tell you.

Zoe has a rich, beautiful singing voice and has the gift of emoting like her dad does. She has a natural gift that shines when she sings.  She chose a song, learned the song and bravely performed for her entire school during talent show this week. Her song choice is one indicator of her understanding and proof of her life’s experience this past year.   Meghan Trainor’s song “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” was her song choice. I was not familiar with the song until she started learning it. Wow! Listen to the song or look up the lyrics and then apply them to our life!

Nathan

It has been a long tough year in second grade for my brave warrior, Nathan. He is the most easy going boy you will meet, and extremely tender hearted. We have spent much of the year finding tools and methods that is best for his learning needs. This has led to special testing, multiple appointments with psychologists and doctors. Eventually working with school and setting up an individualized education plan, (IEP). It has been an education for me learning new lingo and discerning what is best for my boy. So many times this year, I wanted and needed a conversation with his dad to help me navigate this season.

Nathan is truly a delight!  He makes us all laugh and most often makes really tense situations easy, because of his perspective on life and easy humor!  He made me proud this week when he faced his fears and entertained with some magic tricks during a talent show for his 2nd grade class!  He was so nervous, but he did it anyway!

 

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Jill

Not having Allan as a mate was a choice I made. A choice I knew God led me to make.  I did not choose to not have him as a parent partner. I never would have chosen this. I have missed him so much this year. It was painful enough being ripped apart after being one for 19 years, and best friends for more than 20, but to lose him in parenting too has been excruciating. So many times I have just needed to ask him a question. I have needed his ideas and his opinion. I have wanted to call and tell him something the kids did or said. It is not fair.  It is sad, It is hard.

Unless the Lord had given me help,
    I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
 When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
 When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 94.17-18

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But God…

God is good and understanding and merciful to my whining and questions. I do not know or understand all the whys and hows, but God is so faithful and I trust Him. I have seen stunning glimpses of God working it all for our good. I have seen His provision through His people. Through teachers that care, family that give extra, friends that call or send a message just in time, neighbors that are available. I have seen strength and courage in my children and felt it in my bones when we had to do another hard thing.  This is all from God. I could not do the next hard thing without Him holding me. He holds me when I hold my children as they cry and miss their daddy. He holds me as I teach and train my children to make good choices and lead them to Jesus during the good and bad times. He holds me as we question and wonder and grieve what was.

 

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.

Psalm 127.4

So, Allan does not live with us anymore, but I see him everyday!  These kids have his sparkle in their eyes.  They have his determination for life. They are crazy, silly and remember movie quotes like they just watched the movie, like their dad always did! They each have individual mannerisms and little quirks that are just like their daddy. I love this.  I sometimes call them Allan when they remind me of him. This is one of the cool ways God works. Although, Allan’s ministry has dramatically changed, one way his ministry continues is in the gifts of our children. As they each grow and mature it is exciting to see how their unique gifts and personalities develop! They are the arrows.

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An Altar

Many times in the Old Testament of the Bible God asked His people to build an altar. Usually it was after God did something great  and it was done to mark that place or time or that event.  Altars were built as worship to honor God and as a reminder of the work of God.  So, as we came to the one year mark of Allan’s incident I decided to plant a tree as way of marking God’s faithfulness to us.

So, on May 21st, 2016 the kids, our friends, and I planted a tree to honor Allan, to mark God’s faithfulness in our lives, and as a beautiful picture of growth and life after destruction. It is a beautiful tree and has 3 trunks each representing one of our 3 children!

Tree Planting

On May 20th 2013 our home was dramatically damaged after tornado. We were out of our house for about 4 months while it was repaired. Part of the damage was the destruction of 3 trees in our front and back yards. It was interesting that last Saturday, May 21, 2016 in the morning in my “Facebook Memories” a picture that came up was from May 21, 2013. It was of Allan standing by one of the fallen trees and our damaged home.

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It was a very therapeutic time as we dug that hole and placed new life into it!  We shared memories and praised God for His faithfulness to us!  We had a fun time with some of our favorite people! Although, Allan was not there with us as we planted a new tree, I know that he would be so proud of our sweet kids and praising God with us despite the pain.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!  Thank you for loving us!

Jill and Crew

 

P.S. For updates on Allan’s recovery please see his caring bridge site that his family updates periodically. These are the updates we receive as well. Thank you.

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