This Spring I was dropped back into the foreign land of cancer. Fourteen years ago I visited this foreign land with my son. So, I am familiar with many of the customs and the language. However, it is a different perspective here as the patient. I do not have the blind innocence of a child. I know and understand what the words mean. I carry the weight of responsibilities of an adult, of a mom, of a sister, daughter, a friend, a teacher… I walked with a warrior through his battle and this gives me comfort and determination. I have also walked through other painful, traumatic seasons and am confident in a sovereign, powerful God. My great God goes before me, beside me, and behind me. Previous experiences have taught me I do not have to know and understand all the whys and reasons to be able to walk with joy, peace, and wonder despite the awful and the unknown. And the unknown is one of my biggest battles. It is in the waiting and the unknown I must most lean into a loving Father.

There have already been sweet times with Jesus as I have been in this battle land. One of these experiences was during an MRI. If you have ever had an MRI you will know that they are not the most fun, nor relaxing, or really have any enjoyable qualities. It is awkward, cold, uncomfortable, and loud. I had heard horror stories of claustrophobia and panic. However, I did go in prepared to make it through despite discomfort and knowing it was a short time of the day. I could do it.

For this MRI I was face down. This was good because I could not see anything except the table beneath me. However, this was not good for the very same reason, I could not see anything except the table beneath me. My face was in a massage table-type pillow, however, this was not a massage. My arms and hands were stretched beside and above my head. One arm had an IV for dye and the other hand had a “panic” or a “if you need anything” button. The table slides the body feet first back into a tube. I had noise-canceling headphones on that did not cancel the noise, but muted it.

As I was sliding into the tube and as the noise increased I began to feel a little anxious and all of a sudden felt very thirsty, felt every point of discomfort up and down my body, and immediately hated my non-existent view. So, I slowed my breathing and began to pray. I thanked God for His goodness, His faithfulness to me, I thanked Him for my people, and the strong support of people all around me. I thought that 25 minutes was not too long and that I could sit and do nothing for 25 minutes and often longed for just 25 minutes to lay there. I reminded myself of the fact that people survived an MRI every day and there were people available on the other side of the wall. I began to feel peace and the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit surround me and hold me. I was impressed that nothing is for nothing. I asked Him, how could I be used and what could I learn?

My church has the motto, “Love God, Love People, and Push Back Darkness”. This is not something at the forefront of my mind all the time, but it became very vivid to me in this machine. I want this motto/charge/statement to be at the forefront of my mind as I continue this journey. I have already had so many interactions with people my path would have never crossed if not for this part of my journey. So, I continued to thank Him, first for you, my children, the Big Ten, my sweet friends, my community group, my Lion family, and everyone I have known up until now.

Then I began thanking Him for the people on this journey with me. The doctors, nurses, aides, technicians, clerks…I have already met so many people and {most} all of them have been kind and doing their jobs to the best of their ability. So, I decided this is what I could do throughout this journey is to love God, love people, and push back darkness. I am all about taking pictures, so I am now attempting to take pictures with some of the people I encounter along the journey. No matter our jobs or our daily routines we can all get perfunctory with routine interactions and I have seen this with these interactions too. It has already been fun to see a little darkness pushed back, just by simply thanking people for doing their job and asking people to take a picture with me!

Since, this first MRI, I have had a PET Scan and an additional MRI of liver. I have met with a different oncologist and a breast surgeon. I have been diagnosed with Stage 3b OR 4 breast cancer. I have had a port placed and am just ready to FIGHT. There has been SO MUCH WAITING! Today, 7.6.23, I met again with my oncologist. I have a liver biopsy scheduled for July 19th, which means more waiting. I really do not want to wait for the biopsy results to begin treatment, however, this is the current course!

I have also started the process to be seen at MD Anderson in Houston. I have had a doctor tell me I am special, of course, she did! I would hate to do anything the easy way, so my doctors did encourage me and suggested MD Anderson would be good for my special case. So, pray that insurance, approvals, referrals, records, and all the things happen that need to happen to get me there as soon as possible or you know whenever.

Please, continue to pray for NO CANCER in the liver. I have never wanted a cyst, fatty liver, tissue, or inflammation so badly. If the liver is cancerous, then, treatment begins with hormone blockers. I also, never thought I would be HOPING to GET to have chemo, which would mean cancer is localized! So much of life is about perspective. I really am trying to appreciate the journey, but this bumpy, winding road is exhausting! It is worse than riding backward in the back of a station wagon through the back roads of Arkansas/Missouri!

I hope you are enjoying your journey too, whether it be from the back of a station wagon or the front seat of a jet plane! Thank you for your continued love and support! jill j.