Wow, it has been a hard season.  Lots of good, lots of blessings, but lots of hard, tough moments. Lots of proof that Emmanuel, God is with us!

We are still taking it one day, sometimes one moment at a time. These special times of tradition and routine are difficult as life is just not traditional.

One example of tradition not being tradition was a few weeks ago when Nathan and I put out our Christmas yard decorations. I don’t really enjoy yard work of any kind and have never taken the opportunity to participate on the Christmas yard decor.  I pulled out the tubs with the yard lights and blow up polar bear. The lights were all rolled and coiled in a particular Allan way and all the extension cords and stakes just like he stored them last year and the year before. I had never got into these particular tubs. Nathan was familiar with it all.  Nathan repeatedly said, “I am so glad daddy taught me how to do this.” I told Nathan how thankful I was that his daddy taught him how to do this too! Of course, half the lights did not come on,  because who ever opens up a tub of lights to have them all work?  Not me! Nathan’s eyes were brighter than the lights as he excitedly plugged each strand in.  He said, “I am so mad that they don’t all work.”  I said, “I am so mad your dad is not here, I miss him.”  Because, sometimes I am just mad. I don’t know where the stakes go.  I don’t know which cord to use with what.  And honestly, it is not like we have ever had an elaborate yard, but even the simple takes a lot of cords and connections and stakes for the blow up bear or Santa or whatever! So, we used what we had. But really I am not mad, but just so, so sad, because this was their thing. This is Allan and Nathan’s tradition. God provided Nathan’s neighbor buddies to help us spread the joy and we have what I would call a Charlie Brown yard.  It makes us smile when we come home and it is another hard thing that we survived.

Then there is the Christmas shopping that Allan and I always did together. Even last year, separated, we planned,  we shopped and wrapped together. This year there was no Christmas money, which is a challenge in itself. (Even though, Nathan has very clearly told me, that I do not need to get him much, because Santa always gets him plenty!) And no planning together to decide what would thrill the kids the most. God is still here. Christmas is still exciting. God provided a community ministry that allowed the kids to shop for me and each other. And God provided my sister. She shopped with me. She paid for us. She was excited for us. We may have had a few moments of held back tears and some that were not, but we pressed on, and now we are ready! Another hard thing survived.

Allan is still being cared for in a facility in Houston. We visited one time in September. This visit was hard, but good.  Lydia, Zoe, and Nathan got to see their dad and that he is still their dad. It was very sad for all of us to see him, not his vibrant, silly,fun, and independent self,not as we have always known him.

I stay honest and real with my kids. We have talked about how big God is and asked God for complete healing of their dad.  We have put our faith and trust in God and His choice to heal him on earth or in heaven. What I had not initially prepared them for was the reality of their dad staying in his current condition, with small steps forward and backward, for an extended length of time. This is a very tough, difficult reality. It is painful and difficult for me as a grown up person to comprehend this reality, so for this truth to be understood by these 3 precious ones is a huge reality to grasp.

I have always been amazed that 3 people can come from the same 2 people and, yet be such different people with night and day personalities. They are 15, 11, and almost 9. Their different personalities coupled with their various ages put them at different places with their understanding, coping, and emotions. As their mom, my challenge is meeting them each where they are. This is true for all parents, but so much more obvious during times of trauma.

The last several months the kids and I have been working on acceptance. Peace comes in acceptance. Accepting that God’s way is way better than anything we can imagine. Accepting that for some reasons God has allowed for this vibrant man to be held in this place. That no matter how painful, how sad, no matter how angry it makes us, no matter how unfair it seems, God’s way is best. Allan taught the kids, “God’s way works, our way is jacked up!”

“God can do anything, you know, far more than you can ever imagine, guess, or request in your wildest dreams. He does it not by pushing us around, but by working within us, His Spirit deeply and gently within us.” Ephesians 3. 20 Msg.

Jesus being beaten was bad. Jesus being hung on the cross was bad. Jesus becoming my sin was bad. BUT, it was used FOR good. It was used to pay my debts, to give me abundant life, to give me a relationship with Jesus, the Son of God. So, if the death of the Son of God can be used for good then I must believe that a heart stopping for too long, brain damage, and kids not having a dad involved in their lives can be and will be used for good.

So, all of that to say…the reality of not having Allan in our lives is sad and hard.  No matter the situation the unknown is generally the most difficult. This is for sure true in this situation. We are in a holding pattern.  We timidly grieve because there is great loss.  At the same time to grieve feels like we are giving up hope. But, there is much to grieve. We have had birthdays, celebrations, school programs, dance competitions, AR goals, football games, holidays, homework, hard talks, school challenges, fun times, funny times, new friends, new experiences, falls, and victories and lots of life that has happened without daddy.

An advent reading this past week took us to the story of Esther. We were reminded of Esther and her position in time and place at just the right time.  It was a good reminder for us of our opportunity to be Light and Life where we are right now for such a time as this. Even when things are crazy, hard  it is still an opportunity for us to be light and life.

Sometimes the biggest challenge is to stay in the present.  To stay in the gift of today and right now. It is tempting to go to “what if”, “if only” or “maybe someday”, or “only, when”, “after this”, or to just completely detach.  Today is a gift.

These kids are so brave and strong and full of faith. They each have coped in various ways and have had various challenges and ways that their grief is expressed.  They inspire me and challenge me to do the next right thing.

Allan being fully restored and healed on earth or heaven  will be incredible.  This in between does not seem to be incredible, but for some reason this is what God has allowed, so it must be incredible too, right?! We continue to trust Him in the unknown. As I have faced challenges in the past I have learned to strive to gain all I can from the challenge at hand.  To pick up all that God has for me, to learn all He is teaching, to discover all the ways He has for me to grow and depend on Him more and more.

Some days I do better than others.  Some days I trust Him more than other days.  Some days I must apologize to those I love for reacting. Or for believing a lie which just causes pain. All of this makes me so, so thankful for grace.  God’s grace pulling me to Himself.  God’s grace pursuing me and holding me close. The grace my kids offer as they look at me like I may be crazy because I just flipped out over a silly nothing.  I am so thankful for grace from my mom, my sister, my brother, my family and friends continue to give because I know I am taking way more than I am able to give back.

Please continue to pray for Allan’s healing. Pray for me as I parent these treasures. Pray for continued protection of our hearts and minds. Pray for us as we survive and thrive thru the next few days of hard things. Pray that the social security office will approve Allan’s disability and that there will be some financial support for the kids.

We are thankful for you.  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  Thank you for your messages, cards, texts, and hugs.  I appreciate you all so much.  I pray you enjoy this Christmas season and enjoy the ones you love! I pray you Seek Jesus and feel Him holding you as you survive and thrive in the midst of your next hard thing.

Merry Christmas

Jill, Lydia, Zoe, and Nathan

 

 

 

 

photo credit to the precious Lauren Wood!