I enjoy texting.  I enjoy getting words of encouragement and quick funny texts. These make my day more fun.  I like not having to have a whole pointless conversation when all that needs to be communicated is “don’t forget the milk!”  I enjoy Facebook.  I like having a connection with people I would miss out on if there was no Facebook.  I find email very efficient in coordinating and scheduling life and events.  I am definitely NOT anti-technology.  I am discovering Instagram and a new Cartoon Camera app!  I just do not want to lose out on real intimate connection.  I don’t want to hide behind a screen or a phone.  I want to be direct and honest and loving.

I am learning by trial and error as I wade into new water of the teen years!  Phones, texting, email,  Facebook  and technology in general invite a whole new level of parenting.

As I parent through this technology world it causes me to evaluate my own connection in relationships and communication.  Am I present?  Am I connecting or am I distracted by my phone?  Is it fair to the people I am communicating with via Facebook or text?  Is it fair to the people I am physically with?  Am I having healthy communication via a text?  Am I relating well by removing tone and facial expression? Is that an okay conversation to have via text? 

Children have been one of God’s greatest teaching tools for me.  He uses them to love me, to teach me, to challenge me, to convict me, and hopefully to make me a better person.  I want to be able to answer the above questions well, so my children and the people who I love the most know their value to me. 

I want to learn and model being present with my children.  I want to hear what is being said to me.  I want to be heard not only with my words, but with my tone, and my expressions.  I don’t want to lose empathy or sympathy because I am not hearing all that is being communicated.  I want the same things for my children.  I don’t want them disconnected and without the tools to have healthy relationships with healthy communication.  I do not want them to lose their assertiveness and confidence because of an unhealthy dependence on technology.

 So, in the October 2012 issue of Moore Monthly this is what I wrote…

In the technology age that we live sometimes empathy can be difficult to embrace. We message someone, or text them, or send an old-fashioned email and lose tone, feeling, and empathy. Our children are growing up with less interpersonal, live, in the flesh communication. Of course, there are many advantages to this, but a few of the greatest losses; I believe are empathy, sympathy and healthy communication.

According to dictionary.com empathy is, “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” Empathy is when we feel sad for someone because we too have had the same experience. We can relate because we have been there before or had a very similar situation in our own lives. There is a difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is when we feel sad for someone because we know it must be a sad situation.

What happens when we text or message there is a disconnection of what is being said. We and our children hit “send” and often have little consideration of the impact of our words. There becomes little or no “intellectual identification” of our words. No account is taken for how would I feel if this was being said to me or about me.

It is especially difficult to stay connected emotionally if we are involved in another activity while in some other form of communication. For example, if we are having a family dinner and my daughter is texting even one person, how can she possibly stay fully engaged in either experience? We may be receiving some really important information at our family meal, but she is also reading important information on a text. How do we manage all that information at one time? I think we disconnect; therefore, missing out on empathy or sympathy in both experiences.

Some of the steps we have taken to address the lack of empathy and promote accountability are letter writing and journaling. Sometimes the letters are never given, but the processes of writing feelings and thoughts to someone make an impact. After the writing process we discuss what the impact of our actions and words make. It is important to turn the situation around and look at the words from the perspective if they were said to you or about you. Question and discuss the impact of the same situation reversed.

An obvious solution which can be difficult for the parents too, is limiting phone and computer usage. It is okay for our children to not have a phone, even if temporarily. It is okay for our children to not be on Facebook. Parents are too dependent on our phones and devices that we are not modeling healthy ways to communicate and empathize. So, we have to continue to be the grown ups and model empathy, sympathy, and healthy, live communication!