Tag Archives: words of encouragement

Nov13

Big Week(s)

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Big Week(s)

Big things have happened over the last few weeks AND big things happening this week over here in my world! The end of October and the first week in November I got to have all the things tested, imaging done, contrast received, and more imaging done again! If there was a punch card or a bingo card I could get stamped I would have got to call, “BINGO”, because I have been to all the major health care systems in the OKC metro area! I could go on and on about my gratitude for health care workers. I could also talk a while about my gratitude for health care and technology and the wisdom allowed for those who can do and see and imagine all the things. I feel such gratitude for access and such a selection of health care facilities. It truly is such a gift. My heart hurts for so many around the world enduring such pain, loss, and chaos. This makes me that much more aware and thankful for the gift of health care.

The good news is all the tests and imaging shows that the treatment I have received is working! The lesion on my liver has decreased from 2.1 to 1.2, I do not know if that is mm or cm or inches or yards or a footlong, I just know it is shrinking! There has been no other progression and the tumors in breast and lymph nodes are also shrinking! I will have more imaging, hopefully this week to get a more exact picture of how much those have decreased!

Scripture talks about a “peace that passes understanding” (Phil. 4.7) and that is exactly what I have experienced! Especially, in that MRI machine! I do not know what it is, but it is like I am enveloped in love and peace when that table moves me in and out and the noise is clambering like construction workers with a jack hammer digging through cement! I just feel peace and imagined that clanging was the rigs and engine of a cruise ship. If I were laying on the deck of a cruise ship and men were hanging on side of ship cleaning the windows or painting some part of the ship or just the engine from the ship I would not mind the noise. This is partly what I imagined with that loud noise! Sadly, there was no drink with an umbrella or pool games happening when I got off the table, but there were sweet health care workers showing kindness and compassion! And, oooo, that sweet peace and love of Father God surrounding me!

Some other big news is my medicine. The medicine God has used to shrink all the things, well it has also knocked my liver enzyme numbers off the chart high. I am so special to be part of the 1% of people this does this too. This means I have had to stop that medicine to keep my liver healthy and safe. So, I will be beginning a new medicine this week! Please, pray it works and keeps shrinking the tumors, that my liver responds or doesn’t respond, and that the side effects are non-existent or at least tolerable!

Other big news is because the lesion in the liver has decreased I get to see a doctor about radiating/removing (?) doing something to what is left of it. This could lead to me being able to be in remission from the liver cancer! Not to get too far ahead of myself, but this is exciting possibility.

The next big news is I am getting my girl guts out, a hysterectomy. Due to my type of cancer I am at a higher risk for other types of cancer, so if I can remove some of the risks then I am going to do that. I am so thankful for the life these parts of me have provided, but I am at peace to let them go! Please, pray as I will be having this surgery, Monday, 11.13.23. I saw the surgeon on Friday, 11.3.23 and she said she was booking surgeries about 4-6 weeks out. Well, I then got a call the following Wednesday, last week and she said “how about Monday!??!”

Thank you to all of you that ordered an “Celebrate Today” t-shirt! The proceeds from this helped me pay some of the copays that were due with all the tests and imaging! So, thank you! If you would wear it some time this week and think of me, pray for me, and then send me a picture of you wearing it, this would make me so happy!

Another big thing was a really special time I had at a retreat for Stage IV a.k.a. advanced cancer a.k.a. metastatic breast cancer (MBC) patients and their support person. We dubbed ourselves the lead singers and back up dancers. This was a really sweet time my sister and I experienced and I plan to share more about it with you soon!

Those are the highlights of the big things happening over here. I am sorry if any of it was more than you wanted to know. I just keep being reminded about pain and challenges that we all carry and I do not want to shy away from sharing the hard. Life is hard. My hard may look different than your hard, but that doesn’t make it any less/more hard. You may not be laying on an MRI table, but it still may be loud and scary. My hope and prayer for you is that you will take time to listen and be aware of Sweet Holy Spirit enveloping you. I hope you can hear and feel the Peace in the midst of the loud and chaotic. He is there. 💜jj

Aug2

Not What I Would Have Chosen

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Not What I Would Have Chosen

Well, I did not get the results I would have chosen. My liver biopsy shows my breast cancer has metastasized and is in my liver too. This means I have stage 4 breast cancer. When breast cancer has NOT metastasized, which means spread to other parts of the body, then it is treated with chemo, sometimes surgery, and sometimes radiation. This is a curative treatment, meaning those things tend to cure it and make it go away. When it has moved or metastasized to other parts of the body it means it is in the blood and can pop up anywhere, this is also what pushes the staging to 4. Stage 4 is treated palliatively, meaning it most likely will not be cured and not go away, so let us see what we can do to slow down and/or stop the growth and spread of cancer. Ugh!

{Obviously, I am not an oncologist or a medical doctor of any kind, but this is simply my understanding and what I am learning.}

So, what is the plan? What happens now? Again, not the plan I would have chosen, but hormone blockers. Hormone blockers are the plan. My cancer grows and is fed by hormones (ER+, PR+, HER2-). So, I will orally, daily take hormone blocker pills to stop feeding the cancer. Hormone blockers work slower than chemo but can be taken and used much longer than chemo. The side effects are generally less extreme than chemo, which means I can continue living life somewhat normally, whatever normal is!

My hope and prayer is still for complete healing. I hope and pray the hormone blockers will stop the growth and spread, so then eventually I can have surgery to remove tumors from my breast, lymph nodes, and liver, then chemo, or maybe, it is chemo, and then surgeries?! Or I may just always be on hormone blockers.

Bottom line as of now, no chemo and no surgeries. I am taking it one day at a time. Doing what I can do with what I do know. Enjoying the last days of summer until returning to school. Staying in the facts and feeling all the feelings. I recognize this is going to be a long fight and I am ready for it!

If you want the longer version, please, keep reading!

Ellie Holcomb has a song, “I Don’t Want To Miss It” and I don’t. I don’t want to miss the blessings along this painful path. I want to learn and grow all I can during this season. I don’t want to miss the hand of God as He gives me peace when receiving the next bad news. I don’t want to miss the comfort He gives when I meet another survivor on a similar journey. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to give grace and a kind word when… someone tells me I will need to wait for some stupid reason and I know they have to enforce and follow stupid, stupid, dumb procedures because that is the law or idiotic insurance/government rule and they are the person who works in this stupid system and has to attempt to rationalize this stupid system every day and most people do not respond kindly…so, I want the opportunity to be kind. And I have had multiple of these dumb, stupid opportunities. And, yes, sorry, that was a bit of a rant…My point is I am here for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly.

It sucks, it is sad, it is crummy, and discouraging to get bad news during each doctor appointment I have. It has the potential to be overwhelming if looking too far into the future. I am realizing this is not going to be a quick fix. When Nate was diagnosed, we quickly had a diagnosis and almost as quickly had a treatment plan. His treatment plan was the same treatment plan he would have received no matter where he was treated in the U.S. This is sometimes the case with cancer treatment, depending on the size of the tumor and/or the location of the tumor(s) there are certain protocols. These protocols have a start and end point. When cancer has metastasized there are more factors, which make treatment less definitive. So, there will be more choices and decisions to make as I progress. How the tumors respond to the hormone blockers and how my body responds to this treatment are a few of those factors.

Perspective. Perspective is crazy. Many of you, as I would be if I was hearing my news as not me, feel sad for me. And it is sad, however, I have been so encouraged by hearing others’ perspectives. In a Facebook group I have gained access to because of my new status as a “Mets” girl I have been encouraged by others walking a similar journey. Comments such as, “Wonderful only one spot”, “Oh good, only on your liver”. So, again, I find in my life the statement “it could always be better, but it could always be worse” is so glaringly true. My perspective has changed these past few months as I have rolled through “oh no, cancer”, to “oh, thankfully only one spot in the liver”! I am telling you it is so strange to be disappointed to not get to have chemo. I am so thankful for the advances in breast cancer research that changes and improves protocols. For example, my diagnosis if received 5 years ago would be treated differently than it is now. Oh, I love being on the cutting edge! (insert some sarcasm)

There is another song from Bethany Barnard, “You Know“, that also resonates with me. It is a powerful and one of my current anthems! It proclaims the power of Jesus and that despite life not being what we have chosen God is bigger than it all. I believe God brought Jesus back to life and since I believe that, then, of course, I believe He can heal me or walk with me (which is just as much a miracle) on this journey because He is bigger than it all. I trust Him even when it is not the path I would have chosen.

I am so grateful for your continued love, prayers, and support for me and my family. I feel so loved and supported. So, many of you have asked “What do I need or what can you do for me?” I do not know and I wish there was something great, tangible that I could tell you I need. Just keep praying. Many of you have spoiled me with little gifts and cards and they hit the spot and have come just when I needed them!

For those of you that pray I got a long list! Pray for my discernment, endurance, no nausea, no extra exhaustion as I return to work, continued peace, healthy balance of work/life/health, of course, keep praying and encouraging my sweet kids as they embark on new seasons of life and at the same time want to care/worry for me, and my precious mom and sis as they take care of us all! My insurance does not cover MD Anderson, however, I have chosen to self-pay and scheduled a little one-hour appointment to gain a different perspective on my treatment plan. That is currently scheduled for early September. I am also considering changing up my medical team here, so pray for discernment for that and appointments to open up if that is the direction I am to go, and if you are praying anyway, go ahead a lift up me to having to take a few less dumb, stupid insurance/scheduling/referral hurdle jumps, red tape, stupid excessive phone conversation things.

Thank you for reading to the end. I apologize for a few run-on sentences, I just couldn’t properly express myself without them. And one more song to encourage you! Wonderfully Made is a good one! Be encouraged! You are wonderfully made and made for lots of good things, so get out there and live your best life! I am! jj

Oct16

Texting and Emapathy, Sympathy, and Healthy Communication

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I enjoy texting.  I enjoy getting words of encouragement and quick funny texts. These make my day more fun.  I like not having to have a whole pointless conversation when all that needs to be communicated is “don’t forget the milk!”  I enjoy Facebook.  I like having a connection with people I would miss out on if there was no Facebook.  I find email very efficient in coordinating and scheduling life and events.  I am definitely NOT anti-technology.  I am discovering Instagram and a new Cartoon Camera app!  I just do not want to lose out on real intimate connection.  I don’t want to hide behind a screen or a phone.  I want to be direct and honest and loving.

I am learning by trial and error as I wade into new water of the teen years!  Phones, texting, email,  Facebook  and technology in general invite a whole new level of parenting.

As I parent through this technology world it causes me to evaluate my own connection in relationships and communication.  Am I present?  Am I connecting or am I distracted by my phone?  Is it fair to the people I am communicating with via Facebook or text?  Is it fair to the people I am physically with?  Am I having healthy communication via a text?  Am I relating well by removing tone and facial expression? Is that an okay conversation to have via text? 

Children have been one of God’s greatest teaching tools for me.  He uses them to love me, to teach me, to challenge me, to convict me, and hopefully to make me a better person.  I want to be able to answer the above questions well, so my children and the people who I love the most know their value to me. 

I want to learn and model being present with my children.  I want to hear what is being said to me.  I want to be heard not only with my words, but with my tone, and my expressions.  I don’t want to lose empathy or sympathy because I am not hearing all that is being communicated.  I want the same things for my children.  I don’t want them disconnected and without the tools to have healthy relationships with healthy communication.  I do not want them to lose their assertiveness and confidence because of an unhealthy dependence on technology.

 So, in the October 2012 issue of Moore Monthly this is what I wrote…

In the technology age that we live sometimes empathy can be difficult to embrace. We message someone, or text them, or send an old-fashioned email and lose tone, feeling, and empathy. Our children are growing up with less interpersonal, live, in the flesh communication. Of course, there are many advantages to this, but a few of the greatest losses; I believe are empathy, sympathy and healthy communication.

According to dictionary.com empathy is, “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” Empathy is when we feel sad for someone because we too have had the same experience. We can relate because we have been there before or had a very similar situation in our own lives. There is a difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is when we feel sad for someone because we know it must be a sad situation.

What happens when we text or message there is a disconnection of what is being said. We and our children hit “send” and often have little consideration of the impact of our words. There becomes little or no “intellectual identification” of our words. No account is taken for how would I feel if this was being said to me or about me.

It is especially difficult to stay connected emotionally if we are involved in another activity while in some other form of communication. For example, if we are having a family dinner and my daughter is texting even one person, how can she possibly stay fully engaged in either experience? We may be receiving some really important information at our family meal, but she is also reading important information on a text. How do we manage all that information at one time? I think we disconnect; therefore, missing out on empathy or sympathy in both experiences.

Some of the steps we have taken to address the lack of empathy and promote accountability are letter writing and journaling. Sometimes the letters are never given, but the processes of writing feelings and thoughts to someone make an impact. After the writing process we discuss what the impact of our actions and words make. It is important to turn the situation around and look at the words from the perspective if they were said to you or about you. Question and discuss the impact of the same situation reversed.

An obvious solution which can be difficult for the parents too, is limiting phone and computer usage. It is okay for our children to not have a phone, even if temporarily. It is okay for our children to not be on Facebook. Parents are too dependent on our phones and devices that we are not modeling healthy ways to communicate and empathize. So, we have to continue to be the grown ups and model empathy, sympathy, and healthy, live communication!