Well, I did not get the results I would have chosen. My liver biopsy shows my breast cancer has metastasized and is in my liver too. This means I have stage 4 breast cancer. When breast cancer has NOT metastasized, which means spread to other parts of the body, then it is treated with chemo, sometimes surgery, and sometimes radiation. This is a curative treatment, meaning those things tend to cure it and make it go away. When it has moved or metastasized to other parts of the body it means it is in the blood and can pop up anywhere, this is also what pushes the staging to 4. Stage 4 is treated palliatively, meaning it most likely will not be cured and not go away, so let us see what we can do to slow down and/or stop the growth and spread of cancer. Ugh!

{Obviously, I am not an oncologist or a medical doctor of any kind, but this is simply my understanding and what I am learning.}

So, what is the plan? What happens now? Again, not the plan I would have chosen, but hormone blockers. Hormone blockers are the plan. My cancer grows and is fed by hormones (ER+, PR+, HER2-). So, I will orally, daily take hormone blocker pills to stop feeding the cancer. Hormone blockers work slower than chemo but can be taken and used much longer than chemo. The side effects are generally less extreme than chemo, which means I can continue living life somewhat normally, whatever normal is!

My hope and prayer is still for complete healing. I hope and pray the hormone blockers will stop the growth and spread, so then eventually I can have surgery to remove tumors from my breast, lymph nodes, and liver, then chemo, or maybe, it is chemo, and then surgeries?! Or I may just always be on hormone blockers.

Bottom line as of now, no chemo and no surgeries. I am taking it one day at a time. Doing what I can do with what I do know. Enjoying the last days of summer until returning to school. Staying in the facts and feeling all the feelings. I recognize this is going to be a long fight and I am ready for it!

If you want the longer version, please, keep reading!

Ellie Holcomb has a song, “I Don’t Want To Miss It” and I don’t. I don’t want to miss the blessings along this painful path. I want to learn and grow all I can during this season. I don’t want to miss the hand of God as He gives me peace when receiving the next bad news. I don’t want to miss the comfort He gives when I meet another survivor on a similar journey. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to give grace and a kind word when… someone tells me I will need to wait for some stupid reason and I know they have to enforce and follow stupid, stupid, dumb procedures because that is the law or idiotic insurance/government rule and they are the person who works in this stupid system and has to attempt to rationalize this stupid system every day and most people do not respond kindly…so, I want the opportunity to be kind. And I have had multiple of these dumb, stupid opportunities. And, yes, sorry, that was a bit of a rant…My point is I am here for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly.

It sucks, it is sad, it is crummy, and discouraging to get bad news during each doctor appointment I have. It has the potential to be overwhelming if looking too far into the future. I am realizing this is not going to be a quick fix. When Nate was diagnosed, we quickly had a diagnosis and almost as quickly had a treatment plan. His treatment plan was the same treatment plan he would have received no matter where he was treated in the U.S. This is sometimes the case with cancer treatment, depending on the size of the tumor and/or the location of the tumor(s) there are certain protocols. These protocols have a start and end point. When cancer has metastasized there are more factors, which make treatment less definitive. So, there will be more choices and decisions to make as I progress. How the tumors respond to the hormone blockers and how my body responds to this treatment are a few of those factors.

Perspective. Perspective is crazy. Many of you, as I would be if I was hearing my news as not me, feel sad for me. And it is sad, however, I have been so encouraged by hearing others’ perspectives. In a Facebook group I have gained access to because of my new status as a “Mets” girl I have been encouraged by others walking a similar journey. Comments such as, “Wonderful only one spot”, “Oh good, only on your liver”. So, again, I find in my life the statement “it could always be better, but it could always be worse” is so glaringly true. My perspective has changed these past few months as I have rolled through “oh no, cancer”, to “oh, thankfully only one spot in the liver”! I am telling you it is so strange to be disappointed to not get to have chemo. I am so thankful for the advances in breast cancer research that changes and improves protocols. For example, my diagnosis if received 5 years ago would be treated differently than it is now. Oh, I love being on the cutting edge! (insert some sarcasm)

I am so grateful for your continued love, prayers, and support for me and my family. I feel so loved and supported. So, many of you have asked “What do I need or what can you do for me?” I do not know and I wish there was something great, tangible that I could tell you I need. Just keep praying. Many of you have spoiled me with little gifts and cards and they hit the spot and have come just when I needed them!

For those of you that pray I got a long list! Pray for my discernment, endurance, no nausea, no extra exhaustion as I return to work, continued peace, healthy balance of work/life/health, of course, keep praying and encouraging my sweet kids as they embark on new seasons of life and at the same time want to care/worry for me, and my precious mom and sis as they take care of us all! My insurance does not cover MD Anderson, however, I have chosen to self-pay and scheduled a little one-hour appointment to gain a different perspective on my treatment plan. That is currently scheduled for early September. I am also considering changing up my medical team here, so pray for discernment for that and appointments to open up if that is the direction I am to go, and if you are praying anyway, go ahead a lift up me to having to take a few less dumb, stupid insurance/scheduling/referral hurdle jumps, red tape, stupid excessive phone conversation things.

Thank you for reading to the end. I apologize for a few run-on sentences, I just couldn’t properly express myself without them. And one more song to encourage you! Wonderfully Made is a good one! Be encouraged! You are wonderfully made and made for lots of good things, so get out there and live your best life! I am! jj