August | 2023 | Jill's View

Whirlwind. That is what the last few weeks have been. So many changes. Some changes were long expected and some came out of nowhere! In my last post I had a list of prayer requests, well, I can report that your praying worked!

I do not even think I could list all the little details I am aware of that God has orchestrated. I will try to share some from the last few weeks, but seriously, it is so crazy how He WORKS it all together for my good. So, I am here to give Him all the glory. What really blows my mind is that He is doing all this orchestrating when I do not see it and do not recognize and am not aware. However, sometimes, you can not not recognize.

My health. I finally started treatment of hormone blockers! I am feeling great! So, after all the waiting and tests and more tests. I started drugs to stop feeding the cancer. This is good. I will have tests and scans in about 4 months to check the effects of these blockers. NEW PRAYER request: pray the hormone blockers work! Pray they stop the growth and spread, and make the cancer go away! So far, I have had appointments every few weeks to check blood and symptoms and everything is moving forward! Bottom line-I am fighting the cancer and feeling great!

Now a few of the beautiful details that scream, “I AM”, God. I did see a different oncologist. The oncologist did not change any of my treatment plan and I was encouraged because she confirmed that the plan I am on is the best and most aggressive for my diagnosis. The twist here was her delivery. Remember, when I shared the word, palliative? She guffawed ( I have never used this word, but it is most appropriate) when I asked her if this is how she would describe my treatment. Palliative? NO! She said we are treating to cure AND put that liver cancer in remission. The other CRAZY, beautiful twist here is that as she was looking at my PET scan results that showed the initial concern of cancer in the liver, which led to our cries for no cancer showing in the MRI of liver, she said the spot seen was so small that many doctors would not have even recognized it as concerning and would have treated me as if the disease was localized. The imaging was so close to normal that it could have easily been overlooked. So, IF my prayers, and yours would have been answered as we asked and NO CANCER would have been seen in the liver via the PET scan, MRI, and biopsy, then I would NOT have been receiving the best treatment plan possible. Is your jaw on the floor?!? I know!

This is part of the other beautiful part of God working all things…the new doctor I saw was referred to me by a new precious friend who has been walking a similar journey for YEARS and has been so encouraging to me! She called Nurse Vicki to get me in for me to then find out that many sweet friends have also seen Dr. Toma, so they started calling and telling Nurse Vicki to get me in! As soon as I called, Nurse Vicki, she was fighting for me and encouraging me, calling me back before I was even a patient just to update me on my insurance referral and to say I am still working on it and we are ready to see you. If I say this was a night and day different experience from what I have been experiencing these last few months it would not adequately describe the awesome difference in care, respect, and value of relationship that I have been missing and did not even realize I was missing. ( I know more run on sentences and if I was telling you this, I would not have been able to stop and breathe in the telling either!)

Okay, another check on my prayer request list. My job, my life as a teacher around wonderful, yet germy and exhausting middle schoolers while I am fighting cancer. I was geared up, had been doing all the things one does to get ready for a new school year, had had a few planning meetings with coworkers, had done some required professional development, had began working in my classroom…Then on a Wednesday one week before my official report back day I scroll passed a virtual teaching job opening post because I am already settled and have basically started the new school year, did not even think about it. I went to bed and dreamed of teaching virtually. I RARELY remember dreams. However, when I do, it stops me or wakes me and I listen. As soon as I was awake enough and coherent and the sun was up I sent an exploratory text. I was just asking what does a day look like for a virtual teacher?!? So, I saw post on Wednesday night, sent a text to the principal early Thursday morning, had phone call with more questions, had interview early Thursday afternoon, came to realize that this was THE PERFECT situation for my season of life. Every question I asked received a crazy, perfect answer. I have never made such a life changing decision as quickly or with as much peace. Friday morning I received a job offer, Friday afternoon I accepted it, Friday evening I quit my job I loved that I had no plans of quitting, Saturday morning/afternoon I, my family and amazing small group from church packed up and moved me out of my classhome (my brick & mortar school was like a home). Monday I started my new job. Do you feel tired and like your spinning just from reading that?! Yea, I still feel like I am spinning. Oh, and my new job, new insurance will cover MD Anderson (previous insurance did not) when and if I choose to go there, but because of confidence I now feel with Dr. Toma and her confidence I do not currently see the need!

During the same time as I am beginning my treatment plan AND making major career changes my sweet kids are climbing hills and moving mountains with their own big life changes! Lydia, the oldest, has started a new job, started grad school, continued coaching, and got a boyfriend! Zoe has left me. Okay, maybe that is too harsh, I mean Zoe is moving on to more adventures on her own. Zoe has moved and started college in Stillwater at OSU. Nate, my baby, has been left as the only child at home, but is he really home?! He drives, he works, he goes to Home Depot, he has started a new high school. Which is another God orchestrated life event. Early this summer Nate had decided to return to Moore, where we live, to attend school with kids he grew up with through elementary. He left Norman schools where he has attended the last 4 years. Only God knew I would not be in Norman anymore and the added blessing of Nate being in school 2 blocks from our house AND now my job (at our house)!

So, ya’ll I know that is a lot AND this is only my small attempt to share a slice of all the beautiful orchestration of God’s WORKING it all for my good. In my brain I know God is always working for my good, but it is so good for my heart when I can see and be aware of the intricate details He is working. It truly is stunning.

The challenge is when we cannot see. When we cannot feel. It is so hard and can be so painful when we are far from understanding the intricacies and details of the how and why of our lives. Most of the time during pain and injustice it is frustrating to even attempt to make sense of the whys of life. Why cancer? Why betrayal? Why is the answer often no? Why do people lie? Why are we mean? Why do bad things happen? I want to always trust. Trust my good, good Father even when I do not understand and when I cannot see the beauty. If I believe God has worked all of these details out for me (and I do) then I must believe He is working everything from lump to liver. If he is orchestrating these amazing things that would make no sense without Him that I can see then He is orchestrating what I cannot see too. Cancer is still awful. Injustices are still wrong. The peace and security come from knowing He is working it for my good. He is taking the awful and working it for my good. May we all be open and aware of His goodness when we can see it and trusting when we can’t!

What to pray for? Continued strength and that I continue feeling good! Adjustments for my kids as they are doing all the things. Adjustments that come with new job and working from home. Continued discernment and peace with next steps and appreciation for the journey even when it is slower than I want it to be and do not understand all the whys.

Well, I did not get the results I would have chosen. My liver biopsy shows my breast cancer has metastasized and is in my liver too. This means I have stage 4 breast cancer. When breast cancer has NOT metastasized, which means spread to other parts of the body, then it is treated with chemo, sometimes surgery, and sometimes radiation. This is a curative treatment, meaning those things tend to cure it and make it go away. When it has moved or metastasized to other parts of the body it means it is in the blood and can pop up anywhere, this is also what pushes the staging to 4. Stage 4 is treated palliatively, meaning it most likely will not be cured and not go away, so let us see what we can do to slow down and/or stop the growth and spread of cancer. Ugh!

{Obviously, I am not an oncologist or a medical doctor of any kind, but this is simply my understanding and what I am learning.}

So, what is the plan? What happens now? Again, not the plan I would have chosen, but hormone blockers. Hormone blockers are the plan. My cancer grows and is fed by hormones (ER+, PR+, HER2-). So, I will orally, daily take hormone blocker pills to stop feeding the cancer. Hormone blockers work slower than chemo but can be taken and used much longer than chemo. The side effects are generally less extreme than chemo, which means I can continue living life somewhat normally, whatever normal is!

My hope and prayer is still for complete healing. I hope and pray the hormone blockers will stop the growth and spread, so then eventually I can have surgery to remove tumors from my breast, lymph nodes, and liver, then chemo, or maybe, it is chemo, and then surgeries?! Or I may just always be on hormone blockers.

Bottom line as of now, no chemo and no surgeries. I am taking it one day at a time. Doing what I can do with what I do know. Enjoying the last days of summer until returning to school. Staying in the facts and feeling all the feelings. I recognize this is going to be a long fight and I am ready for it!

If you want the longer version, please, keep reading!

Ellie Holcomb has a song, “I Don’t Want To Miss It” and I don’t. I don’t want to miss the blessings along this painful path. I want to learn and grow all I can during this season. I don’t want to miss the hand of God as He gives me peace when receiving the next bad news. I don’t want to miss the comfort He gives when I meet another survivor on a similar journey. I don’t want to miss the opportunity to give grace and a kind word when… someone tells me I will need to wait for some stupid reason and I know they have to enforce and follow stupid, stupid, dumb procedures because that is the law or idiotic insurance/government rule and they are the person who works in this stupid system and has to attempt to rationalize this stupid system every day and most people do not respond kindly…so, I want the opportunity to be kind. And I have had multiple of these dumb, stupid opportunities. And, yes, sorry, that was a bit of a rant…My point is I am here for it all. The good, the bad, the ugly.

It sucks, it is sad, it is crummy, and discouraging to get bad news during each doctor appointment I have. It has the potential to be overwhelming if looking too far into the future. I am realizing this is not going to be a quick fix. When Nate was diagnosed, we quickly had a diagnosis and almost as quickly had a treatment plan. His treatment plan was the same treatment plan he would have received no matter where he was treated in the U.S. This is sometimes the case with cancer treatment, depending on the size of the tumor and/or the location of the tumor(s) there are certain protocols. These protocols have a start and end point. When cancer has metastasized there are more factors, which make treatment less definitive. So, there will be more choices and decisions to make as I progress. How the tumors respond to the hormone blockers and how my body responds to this treatment are a few of those factors.

Perspective. Perspective is crazy. Many of you, as I would be if I was hearing my news as not me, feel sad for me. And it is sad, however, I have been so encouraged by hearing others’ perspectives. In a Facebook group I have gained access to because of my new status as a “Mets” girl I have been encouraged by others walking a similar journey. Comments such as, “Wonderful only one spot”, “Oh good, only on your liver”. So, again, I find in my life the statement “it could always be better, but it could always be worse” is so glaringly true. My perspective has changed these past few months as I have rolled through “oh no, cancer”, to “oh, thankfully only one spot in the liver”! I am telling you it is so strange to be disappointed to not get to have chemo. I am so thankful for the advances in breast cancer research that changes and improves protocols. For example, my diagnosis if received 5 years ago would be treated differently than it is now. Oh, I love being on the cutting edge! (insert some sarcasm)

There is another song from Bethany Barnard, “You Know“, that also resonates with me. It is a powerful and one of my current anthems! It proclaims the power of Jesus and that despite life not being what we have chosen God is bigger than it all. I believe God brought Jesus back to life and since I believe that, then, of course, I believe He can heal me or walk with me (which is just as much a miracle) on this journey because He is bigger than it all. I trust Him even when it is not the path I would have chosen.

I am so grateful for your continued love, prayers, and support for me and my family. I feel so loved and supported. So, many of you have asked “What do I need or what can you do for me?” I do not know and I wish there was something great, tangible that I could tell you I need. Just keep praying. Many of you have spoiled me with little gifts and cards and they hit the spot and have come just when I needed them!

For those of you that pray I got a long list! Pray for my discernment, endurance, no nausea, no extra exhaustion as I return to work, continued peace, healthy balance of work/life/health, of course, keep praying and encouraging my sweet kids as they embark on new seasons of life and at the same time want to care/worry for me, and my precious mom and sis as they take care of us all! My insurance does not cover MD Anderson, however, I have chosen to self-pay and scheduled a little one-hour appointment to gain a different perspective on my treatment plan. That is currently scheduled for early September. I am also considering changing up my medical team here, so pray for discernment for that and appointments to open up if that is the direction I am to go, and if you are praying anyway, go ahead a lift up me to having to take a few less dumb, stupid insurance/scheduling/referral hurdle jumps, red tape, stupid excessive phone conversation things.

Thank you for reading to the end. I apologize for a few run-on sentences, I just couldn’t properly express myself without them. And one more song to encourage you! Wonderfully Made is a good one! Be encouraged! You are wonderfully made and made for lots of good things, so get out there and live your best life! I am! jj