mile·stone  ˈmīlˌstōn/  noun  plural noun: milestones
1. a stone set up beside a road to mark the distance in miles to a particular place.
2. an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development.

The Bitter

Milestones with my kids are the most difficult for me. Difficult in that I feel the loss of their dad the most. We are in a healthy groove in the day to day of life, but it is when those special days or moments come that I miss him the most.  He is not seeing the battles being won. He is not seeing the successes and finish lines being crossed. Oh, my kids and I are spoiled rotten with people that love us and cheer us along the way. My kids do not lack for people in the crowds that are excited with every victory and success. I am not whining or ungrateful for the overwhelming support we have with the simple successes of each day and the cheers for monumental successes of a lifetime. We are loved!

 

But the loss is always there. There is a void no one else can fill. It seems silly in the moment when I am overcome with tears because a new school year is starting or my heart breaks because another school year has been completed. It is because someone is missing. Someone that we know should be there.

These children are not only mine, they are ours. I hate not getting to share these moments with the man who was there with me when they drew their first breaths. I hate it for our kids because the void and the pain is there for them too. I play the role of mom and dad, but we all know I am really only the mom. There is someone missing.

I know the details of our situation are unique, their dad is still alive, but not able to participate in the daily. I know for various reasons there are others that deal with these milestones with just as much pain. I hate it for them too.

It has been 2 years since we began feeling this void. The pain of the milestones is different than the sadness of the situation or circumstance. It is not regret. It is not doubt. It is not even the loss of what was or could have been. It is not pain of divorce, this is different. If divorce was the only issue this loss would not be the same.  I don’t think this is a pain that gets better over time. Is this grief? Maybe it changes?  Maybe is gets more familiar?  The void will always be as big no matter how much time passes, no matter who comes into our lives, no matter how many are holding us up. It is what it is.

The Sweet

The sweet part of the milestones is that they keep happening! Challenges are faced. Victories are celebrated! Goals are met!  Lessons are learned! Grade levels are completed!  Physical therapy is completed! Awards are earned! We move to the next level!  We rise up! Fears are conquered! We get back up again! Life keeps moving and because of God’s grace we just keep moving into them! Our children are thriving! They are so brave and full of life and determination.

All 3 kids successfully completed another year of school! They are all on honor rolls for earning A’s and B’s, one is an overachiever and made Superintendent’s Honor Roll with all A’s. I am super proud of all their hard work with everything that they do! I am grateful for their hard work and effort at school. I am even more grateful for the special things like citizenship awards and new challenges conquered and excellence in leadership.

In the Fall Lydia will begin her Senior year. She will be concurrently enrolled at OCCC as she gets a jump start on college. She is also Captain of her school’s Pom Squad and will be a part of her high school’s leadership group. She has faced pain and challenges this year that are giving her more grit and grace. Her no nonsense attitude and seeing the beauty of her facing mountains head on is INSPIRING!

Zoe will be in 7th grade and her first year of Junior High. Zoe enjoyed the opportunity this passed year to be a part of Canterbury Youth Voices. She sang a solo beautifully in school talent show!  In the Fall she is excited about  being in her school’s choir and being a part of her dance studio’s Teen Dance Company. Zoe’s courage blows me away!  She is TOUGH! She tackles her fears in a way that leaves the observer not knowing that she is even facing a fear, then when she is successful, she tells you wow that was hard.

Nathan will be in 4th grade, the only Johnson left at the elementary! He was the only boy in the 3rd grade that earned the Citizenship Award! He conquered many academic challenges this year and was super successful! Math awards, reading awards, the 200 club(kindness) regular… Academically it was his best year yet!  As we figured out what methods of learning are optimal for him, accepted his need for medication and discovering which ones are best for him, he just kept rocking and a rolling! He has a gift that leaves everyone smiling and believing you are his best friend, even if you have just met! Last year he enjoyed playing on Upward basketball team, so we will see where his interests lead him this year. He likes most things with a ball, or on wheels, or underwater!  He really enjoys doing whatever it is he is doing at any given moment!  He loves LIFE and enjoys most every moment!

I am super close to finishing my Masters Degree in Secondary Education. Hopefully, that will be an exciting milestone to share next Spring! It has been a challenging, unexpected, not part of my plan adventure! I look forward to seeing how God uses this piece of my journey! I have been blessed to get to continue to work in my family’s income tax and property development company. I look forward to getting a teaching position, but am content to wait until this opportunity comes.

Even Sweeter

I feel the sweet Holy Spirt in the pain and triumph of every milestone. I know we are not alone. I know God’s ways are way better than mine. I know that He protects us. Although, there is a void, there is also Holy Spirit God holding, comforting, and allowing us to continue to live and celebrate every milestone, the big ones, and the small  ones! I am so, so grateful God has allowed way more than I can handle, because it has allowed me to know Him more, trust Him more, and depend on Him for everything.

I am super excited about all that God has planned for us in the coming months!  I pray you are able to feel the pain of your voids and celebrate the sweet too. I encourage you to lean in to Jesus in the bitter and in the sweet. I would not be able to do anything if not for Him.

 

Jill

#4realjill