May8
Category Archives: Uncategorized
Mar27
Some Unknowns & The Waiting
Well, the last few months have been a little rough physically and emotionally and spiritually. I still do not have all the answers and we all know the unknown is awful for so many reasons. Short version is I am still fighting cancer, there may or may not be progression or growth. I took a break from part of my treatment to determine if the medicine is causing the symptoms. I am back on treatment and still too many unknowns, I have been introduced to more doctor specialists, am on more appointment waiting lists, have added a new medical app, had extra extra imaging, and got more punches on my imaginary health facility bingo card and am back to seeing oncologist monthly instead of every other month. I still am having symptoms with an unknown cause, but have learned the reason, so progress has been made.
In December, I started feeling not good more than I felt good. I just did not feel good, a little extra tired, and sore/achy. So many possible causes for this in December, right? Then I started noticing shortness of breath. Was this also the effects of December, too many sweets, not enough walks?!? I also have had some severe, random shoulder pain on and off that has caused some nights where sleeping is impossible, which brings a whole other set of issues. I need my sleep!
In January, I met with my oncologist for my regular 2 month appointment and shared my experience with her. She was not happy that I had not called. If I do not call, nothing is wrong, right?! (no, just make the callπ€¦π½ββοΈ) Well, there was much haste and energy because she feared I potentially had a blood clot, which is a possible side effect of my treatment. π€¨ Well, not good, but maybe an answer. π€·π½ββοΈ I am telling you perspective is huge. When you are hoping for a blood clot being caught AND it NOT being cancer you are in a uniquie situation. Oh, I love being unique!
Thankfully, it was not a blood clot. Sadly, it was not a blood clot. A blood clot when caught early is treatable. So, not a blood clot, then what is it?!? Another possible side effect of my treatment is damage to lungs. Well, I gotta breathe. So, off the medicine I go, to determine if that helps the breathing. It did not. That is good, because that means my treatment, that has thus far kept my cancer from progressing can be resumed. It is not good, because that means we still do not know why the breathing issues. At this point I am trying to think of Thomas Edison. He is the one that said he found 10,000 ways for it not working before he was successful with the lightbulb, right?!
During this time I saw a pulmonologist (lung doctor). He is a kind, smart young man with curly hair. I liked him instantly. He seemed to know stuff. Did not have all the answers, but more clues were given. I have a paralyzed diaphragm. Yea, you have never heard of that, have you?! Maybe, 2 of you have. Thankfully, it is only paralyzed on one side, so it is only crushing part of my lung and collapsing it. Hence, the reason breathing is hard. BUT why?!? Yea, google it. It does not make sense. I have not experienced the things that normally lead to this.
So, the diaphragm is controlled by the phrenic nerve which runs thru spine/neck down to diapghragm under lungs. Could this be why the piercing shoulder pain?!? I think it has to be. It for sure feels like a live wire going crazy and that is how I imagine a rogue nerve to be! And it all began happening at the same time. This is my own reason and theory. No doctor has confirmed, well, one doctor, the orthopedic kind, was pretty confident that it is NOT the phrenic nerve causing the pain, but I am not convinced. I will be seeing a neurologist, a nerve doctor, in May and gathering more information.
Before that I will be having a sniff test. Ever heard of that?! It is a special test/x-ray done by a radiologist to determine diaphragm function. Gotta keep gathering all the clues! Have I mentioned I do not like puzzles?! I do like a good suspense book, movie, or show, so maybe I need to lean into that. I also like Bingo, so I guess it is another punch in my imaginary card. Sniff Test βοΈ
My very wise, this is how it is oncologist was stumped with the paralyzed diaphragm and intrigued by phrenic nerve theory, so she demanded insurance pay for a PET scan. I had not had one of these in 2 years. I generally have CT, MRI, and bone scan. Do not even get me started on why not just do the PET every time instead of the 3 different tests, I do not get it. So, the PET shows some malignancy, cancer, in my lymph nodes. This was not seen on images from February. So, is this cause of all the things?! Were they just not visible via the MRI and CT, but are visible on PET?! Or is this growth because I was off treatment for over a month?!? Yes, more unknowns. π This is the most recent, as of yesterday, information gathered. I have not got to talk with my astute oncologist yet! I am sure there will be more information collected as she views these results!
That is the basics of the physical.
Mind, body, soul is all connected, right? Spiritually and emotionally it has just been just as wild of a ride. I am not quite ready to write about all of that. I will say Father God, Holy Spirit, Jesus have never been closer. My faith is strengthened as I question and cry out to Him. My confidence in His goodness is deepened as I seek Him and ask why. I am so grateful for His love and nearness in the unknown. I rest in Him.
Oct9
Expectations
I have had this word, expectations, on my mind and in my spirit each time I have thought about writing this post. Initially, I had expectations on my brain because I wanted to tell you all how off my expectations vs. reality of my lumpectomy experience were! First off, those of you who said, “oh, it won’t be bad!”, “Oh, a lumpectomy is easy!” You lied. I forgive you. But you lied. I was expecting it to be easy. Up the next day, moving on with life. I was NOT. For me it was awful! So, my expectations of it being a breeze really knocked me off course when it was an Oklahoma wind storm. I made it through, despite reactions to the anesthesia. I had a rough week and a half this summer because of that “easy” lumpectomy and about a month of some reaction symptoms, mainly ITCHING. Not a major deal now, but still more than I EXPECTED!
The good news was my wonderful surgeon, Dr. Mathias, did get most of the tumor. The bad news is that she was only able to get most of the tumor. So, doctors do all they can with what they can see and what imaging has shown, but these cancer cells do not have a sign on them or present in neon when viewing as a surgeon. So, she got all she could see and took a little more outside the known margins of the tumor, but when the pathology came back some of the those margins were positive. This is okay, and does not change my treatment plan, just something to stay aware of. And of course, we will because I get all kinds of pictures of my insides regularly. I guess it is sorta like an old school portrait studio subscription, but much more involved and way more expensive. Okay, so, maybe it is nothing like that…
At the end of July, I had my regular 3 month imaging. All scans, tests, and pictures looked great! Nothing new and no growth! I am due for this testing and imaging again at the end of the month!
Major life events often carry with them expectations. How things will go and how things will all play out can not NOT carry some expectation. I remember holding Lydia as a baby and praying for her husband. My expectations of who this would be were limited, but I prayed that he would love Jesus, be kind, love her as much as I did and laugh easily. My expectations were too low and my prayers were answered and then some! In August, Lydia got a husband and I got a son. My new son, Hayden loves Lydia so well and has been a wonderful addition to our family!
We had the best time planning and executing the big day and have been so blessed with our family gaining family! In my dreams and plans for my baby, Lydia, I for sure did not expect for woman, Lydia, to not be walked down the aisle by her daddy. I never would have expected to be the one giving her hand to her husband. There was for sure a void and an a missing during the wedding season and on the day of, nonetheless, there was an overwhelming peace and joy and strength that Father God consumed that was sweet and good and oh so real. Despite things not happening how I would have planned or expected, an amazing Father God made it all so peaceful.
I had absolutely no idea and no expectation that when a child gets married that the peace and the joy and the happiness is so big. There were no tears of sadness, but only tears of joy and happiness and such gratitude. So much gratitude. I am also astutely aware that this particular union was made sweet because it was orchestrated by God. Lydia and Hayden were God’s plan. They are God’s best for each other. They make each other better. It is amazing and sweet to see your child love and be loved.
I am still overwhelmed as I type this and reflect on how God works all the things for our good. The surprises, the losses, the quick unexpected turns do not surprise God. He comforts, He guides, He leads, He soothes, He celebrates, He provides, He is with us during the expected and the unexpected. He is with us during a lumpectomy and stupid, dumb reactions to medicine, He is with us when there is cancer in the margins, He is with us when we walk our daughter down the aisle, He is with us when it is good and He is with us when it is awful. He is with us.
Mar15
Purpose, Pain, & Jesus
I know it has been a cool minute since I have posted. I will tell you in the world of cancer often times, no news is good news! That is currently true for me. I had routine imaging done at the end of January and the results were all good news! No progression, no new disease, and the current disease it still shrinking! I am so, so thankful! I did change medicine and have even had an increase of dosage because after one round my numbers were good. Then again another bump in dosage! At the end of the February I saw my oncologist and we decided to bump it up some more. Thankfully, the medicine is working and my side effects are easy in the scheme of things. I have mostly good days. Some days are better and some days are meh. I have been on the higher dosage since last Friday and it has been a rougher week. So, pray my body adjusts and I have less meh days! I am thankful for my job and season of life allows the flexibility I need to rest and adjust.
We have had much to celebrate and much to grieve these past few months. I have been affected by and attended 4 funerals since the middle of December. This blows my mind as I even type it. We all can just take it one day at a time. As I look back I see and feel WOW, just wow. It has been and it is a lot. I do not know why but, I am always astonished by the sweetness of God’s nearness during times of grief and pain. He brings peace that gives me strength.
I recently read a book, that I 10 out of 10 recommend, “Even If He Doesn’t”, by Kristen LaValley. ONE thing she said that stood out to me was, “when we are obsessed with finding the purpose for everything, we’re seeking comfort in the purpose rather than the comfort of Christ…when we stop trying to squeeze purpose from our pain, we can rest in the peace of God. His peace,-the peace that ‘transcends all understanding’-will hold our hearts perfectly when we don’t understand.”
Now I am not going to lie and say that knowing the purpose never gives me comfort or helps ease the pain, but it cannot be on what I depend. For sure I get giddy and stand in awe when I can look back and see the minute details that were weaved together by Father God. I tend to be a Pollyanna and look for the good and seek the sunshine, but often times in this messy thing we call life it is hard to find the good or wrap our minds around understanding the why. Life is hard. Bad things happen. Fair is often NOT how things land.
So, I guess what I am trying to communicate is knowing and understanding purpose can empower and encourage, but it cannot be where we seek our comfort and peace. We will be disappointed and possibly even hurt more when there is no purpose to find. Healing comfort and peace only comes from and in Jesus. Painful things like cancer, addiction, betrayal, death…, do not make sense and would be senseless to find purpose in, however, Jesus brings comfort amidst all the senseless. God is still so good despite the pain in this world. God is still good during cancer and grief and loss, even when there seems to be no purpose.
And then the celebrating! We had lots of family fun celebrating Christmas. I had a blast at my 47th birthday party! No, I am not too old to have a birthday party game night! I have enjoyed sweet times with friends. I have attended some great events, had fun with my sweet kids, and seen successes with students and colleagues…AND then a few weeks ago my precious first born got engaged to be married! So, shrinking tumors and getting a son in law is a lot of GOOD! I have much to celebrate in the midst of and/or despite pain, loss, and the senseless!
God is good during the celebrations and God is good during the pain. I hope we are all able to see the good and also rest in Jesus during the painful. jj
Jul7
First MRI and Journey Launch
This Spring I was dropped back into the foreign land of cancer. Fourteen years ago I visited this foreign land with my son. So, I am familiar with many of the customs and the language. However, it is a different perspective here as the patient. I do not have the blind innocence of a child. I know and understand what the words mean. I carry the weight of responsibilities of an adult, of a mom, of a sister, daughter, a friend, a teacher… I walked with a warrior through his battle and this gives me comfort and determination. I have also walked through other painful, traumatic seasons and am confident in a sovereign, powerful God. My great God goes before me, beside me, and behind me. Previous experiences have taught me I do not have to know and understand all the whys and reasons to be able to walk with joy, peace, and wonder despite the awful and the unknown. And the unknown is one of my biggest battles. It is in the waiting and the unknown I must most lean into a loving Father.
There have already been sweet times with Jesus as I have been in this battle land. One of these experiences was during an MRI. If you have ever had an MRI you will know that they are not the most fun, nor relaxing, or really have any enjoyable qualities. It is awkward, cold, uncomfortable, and loud. I had heard horror stories of claustrophobia and panic. However, I did go in prepared to make it through despite discomfort and knowing it was a short time of the day. I could do it.
For this MRI I was face down. This was good because I could not see anything except the table beneath me. However, this was not good for the very same reason, I could not see anything except the table beneath me. My face was in a massage table-type pillow, however, this was not a massage. My arms and hands were stretched beside and above my head. One arm had an IV for dye and the other hand had a “panic” or a “if you need anything” button. The table slides the body feet first back into a tube. I had noise-canceling headphones on that did not cancel the noise, but muted it.
As I was sliding into the tube and as the noise increased I began to feel a little anxious and all of a sudden felt very thirsty, felt every point of discomfort up and down my body, and immediately hated my non-existent view. So, I slowed my breathing and began to pray. I thanked God for His goodness, His faithfulness to me, I thanked Him for my people, and the strong support of people all around me. I thought that 25 minutes was not too long and that I could sit and do nothing for 25 minutes and often longed for just 25 minutes to lay there. I reminded myself of the fact that people survived an MRI every day and there were people available on the other side of the wall. I began to feel peace and the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit surround me and hold me. I was impressed that nothing is for nothing. I asked Him, how could I be used and what could I learn?
My church has the motto, “Love God, Love People, and Push Back Darkness”. This is not something at the forefront of my mind all the time, but it became very vivid to me in this machine. I want this motto/charge/statement to be at the forefront of my mind as I continue this journey. I have already had so many interactions with people my path would have never crossed if not for this part of my journey. So, I continued to thank Him, first for you, my children, the Big Ten, my sweet friends, my community group, my Lion family, and everyone I have known up until now.
Then I began thanking Him for the people on this journey with me. The doctors, nurses, aides, technicians, clerks…I have already met so many people and {most} all of them have been kind and doing their jobs to the best of their ability. So, I decided this is what I could do throughout this journey is to love God, love people, and push back darkness. I am all about taking pictures, so I am now attempting to take pictures with some of the people I encounter along the journey. No matter our jobs or our daily routines we can all get perfunctory with routine interactions and I have seen this with these interactions too. It has already been fun to see a little darkness pushed back, just by simply thanking people for doing their job and asking people to take a picture with me!
Since, this first MRI, I have had a PET Scan and an additional MRI of liver. I have met with a different oncologist and a breast surgeon. I have been diagnosed with Stage 3b OR 4 breast cancer. I have had a port placed and am just ready to FIGHT. There has been SO MUCH WAITING! Today, 7.6.23, I met again with my oncologist. I have a liver biopsy scheduled for July 19th, which means more waiting. I really do not want to wait for the biopsy results to begin treatment, however, this is the current course!
I have also started the process to be seen at MD Anderson in Houston. I have had a doctor tell me I am special, of course, she did! I would hate to do anything the easy way, so my doctors did encourage me and suggested MD Anderson would be good for my special case. So, pray that insurance, approvals, referrals, records, and all the things happen that need to happen to get me there as soon as possible or you know whenever.
Please, continue to pray for NO CANCER in the liver. I have never wanted a cyst, fatty liver, tissue, or inflammation so badly. If the liver is cancerous, then, treatment begins with hormone blockers. I also, never thought I would be HOPING to GET to have chemo, which would mean cancer is localized! So much of life is about perspective. I really am trying to appreciate the journey, but this bumpy, winding road is exhausting! It is worse than riding backward in the back of a station wagon through the back roads of Arkansas/Missouri!
I hope you are enjoying your journey too, whether it be from the back of a station wagon or the front seat of a jet plane! Thank you for your continued love and support! jill j.
Sep16
Even If
When my son, Nathan, was 2 and a half years old he was diagnosed with Stage 3 Wilm’s Tumor, which is a kidney cancer. He had one kidney removed, underwent radiation, and had almost a year of chemotherapy treatment. Nathan has now been cancer-free for 12 years (as of 8/23)!
September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I am aware of childhood cancer every month, every day, but September is a time to focus efforts and bring awareness to everyone. The need for awareness is because of the lack of funding for childhood cancer research. Due to limited funding, there is limited research to discover the causes of childhood cancer. Children do not get cancer for the same reasons adults do. Childhood cancers are not generally caused by smoking or sun or plastic or microwaves or cell phones or too much whatever, they are children and have not had enough time to do anything to cause this awful disease. So, too many kids get cancer and the cause is unknown! Also, due to limited funding, there are limited treatment options. Therefore, children are treated with adult protocols. Yes, they are adjusted for children, but the fact is kids and grown-ups are different and even when adjusted they are still treatments created for bigger bodies that are done growing and changing.
No matter the age, cancer is awful. Not all people are cured of cancer on Earth. All of that to say…I am so thankful for the treatment options and the healing that so many adults and children have because of the treatment available. Eight years ago Nathan’s dad and I agreed to all treatment possible knowing the risks. We chose and would choose again to do everything possible to fight cancer.
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Each Fall Nathan returns to the “Clinic” at OU Children’s Hospital for his annual check-up. Thankfully, for him most of the time it is fun. He has more memories that are good than bad, which is an answer to my prayer. He does not remember the long hospital stays, being sick, or any fear. He is comfortable with having blood drawn, he does not mind the warm jelly (ultrasound), the stickers all over( EKG) are routine, he thinks it is cool to pee in a cup, and he would be fine going in the donut (CT Scan), but thankfully he no longer has to do that. He likes getting to see friends (nurses and clinic staff), he likes getting a cookie from Kamp’s, and he sometimes talks me into eating in the cafeteria, although, I do have many memories from eating in that cafeteria, so we generally avoid it! 
Last Fall was Nathan’s 7th year check-up off treatment. His check-up was harder on both of us for a few reasons. Nathan’s TLC (Taking on Life After Cancer) doctor is amazing! Since he is amazing he does a really great job of meeting kids where they are developmentally. Now that Nathan is 11, 10 at the time of this appointment, the doctor was educating him on his medical history and just making sure he had a good understanding of what happened to him and what the risks were because of his treatment. These were things like possible secondary cancers developing, kidney failure in one good kidney, infertility, heart failure, spine damage, and skin cancer due to radiation…often these late effects are seen around puberty as the body is changing. Yea, it was a real fun appointment! Okay, no it wasn’t! Nathan and I were both shell shocked! None of what he shared was new information to me,Β but most I choose not to think about and do not need to think about because my boy is now strong and healthy!
The other reason we did not like that appointment was because of some of Nathan’s lab results. No cancer, still cancer-free! However, his results showed concern about his remaining kidney. This could have been caused by a few different things, so we agreed to make extra effort to drink lots of fluids and come back in a few weeks. We did that and numbers were higher, we drank more, and came back again. Numbers even higher. Then, we were sent to a pediatric nephrologist (kid’s kidney doctor).
In January 2018, we met with the nephrologist and she quickly, bluntly told us that “Nathan had stage 3 kidney disease and would need a kidney transplant within the next few years. Hopefully, he could avoid dialysis and go straight to transplant. I am so very sorry, see you in 6 months.” This was caused by the late effects of chemo. Yea, another great appointment! Not!
Precious Nathan, afterward, decided he “did not really like that doctor and he thought a transplant would really hurt, because, when he had his tonsils out he thought he was going to die, it hurt so bad, and he thought a transplant might be way worse!”
The one good thing from appointment was that he did not need to go back for 6 months and there was nothing we needed to do. I have learned that when they want to get you in as soon as possible that is bad.Β Six months until you need to come in again is a good thing. No call from the doctor is a great thing.
This also meant 6 months to pray. Six months to lay my boy on the altar of God again. Six months to anoint his head with oil and pray healing. Six months for our support community to lift Nathan up to our Father. Six months to accept. Six months to trust. Six months to believe God knows best. Six months to increase our faith and know that no matter God’s answer He is faithful. Six months to know “even if ” we will trust.
So, in late July I picked up my boy from children’s camp to take him for the 6 month follow up. Same doctor, nephrologist, but she had a different demeanor and a pep in her step! She said that Nathan’s numbers were so much better!Β After getting his current labs, he was now stage 2 chronic kidney disease!Β Who would have thought we would be so excited about stage 2 chronic kidney disease?!?!Β (It is all about perspective, people!) People live with stage 2. People do not get a kidney transplant with stage 2! No check-up for a year! Woohoo! A much better appointment! A few days later Nathan saw his regular pediatrician for another check-up and she was shocked by our news. She said it was rare for anyone to go down a stage!Β What?! Wow!!! We know our God is AMAZING!
We praise God for this healing! We know that it is God’s grace and mercy. We would have praised God no matter what, but we are so thankful for this answer. God is so good even if…We trust God through cancer, we trust God through the unknown, we trust God through chronic kidney disease.
It is never a dull moment for the Jcrew! I could say so much more about how amazing our Father is and I could say more about how grateful I am to get to be mom to 3 incredible kids, but I won’t today! We love you and are so thankful for your continued prayers and support of our family! We continue to enjoy every moment and appreciate them all!
Jun19
Love Your Neighbor
I cannot even begin to imagine living in a place I did not feel safe. I cannot imagine loving my country, but knowing I, nor my children, could survive in my birth country. I cannot imagine knowing my only option for survival and life was to take the risks of entering a country illegally because that risk was less than staying in my own home. I cannot imagine knowing I may die even in the journey. Knowing I may not get to stay even if I survive the trip. I cannot imagine having made it to safety, but still living in fear, because I may be separated from my children and family, but it was worth the risk. My children were worth the risks for the idea and hope of a new life.
Then another side, which I cannot imagine either, is knowing the United States as my home, but living with the fear that I may be forced to move to a place I do not remember, a place that I do not know, a place that my family has fled. I may be forced to leave my house, my job, my life simply because when I was a child my family brought me to a place that would allow me a better life.
These 2 scenarios are just a slice of the fears and realities of so many. There are millions of other stories and realities that I cannot fathom. Realities that I personally do not face because I was born in a particular area of the planet. Because nothing I did allows me rights and freedoms that I have only because of where I was born. My children have rights and freedoms because of where they were born, so they do not have to fear being forced to move and I do not have to make plans to get them someplace safe and with hope. I do not have to take risks and make sacrifices to ensure they are safe and that I am able to feed them and offer them choices for a hopeful future.
A few days ago I posted this image/quote on my social media accounts. I was then traveling and did not see all of the dialogs about this post until a few days after posting. WOW!
I was jet-lagged and busy after returning from my trip and so saddened by much of the conversation that it has taken me some time, thought, and time with Jesus to even formulate a response.
The point of this image was validated. The arguments supporting what is happening at our borders, the arguments supporting a “wall” are saturated with hypocrisy. It seems TO ME the majority of white, evangelical Christians are on the wrong side of the immigration issue. This breaks my heart. For followers of Jesus to not simply just be okay, which is sad enough on its own, but to also be loud, vocal, staunch supporters of laws and actions that are so devastating to people is overwhelmingly sad.
Each that posted was passionate and a few dogmatic in their approach. This does not surprise me. The arguments and discussions were not new to me. The issues of immigration law, policy, reform are a major issue in our country. I understand that this one issue is encompassed in a multitude of more issues and layers. I understand this is not an easy situation. I understand that there are laws and reasons and there are complexities that I do not grasp.
We do not choose where we are born. Simply because we were born in a certain area of the planet does not make us better or worth more. Why would anyone not want to help another person have safety, security, and hope for life? Safety, security, and hope we have simply because of where we were born.
Millions of innocent people were killed because of laws and policies. Did that make it right because that was Hitler’s law and it was illegal for a people to work and live and breathe simply because of being Jewish? I do not buy this idea that the only problem people have with illegal immigrants is the legality. “If it was done legally…” If that was the case then why are Christians in the United States not standing up, yelling from the mountain tops for the law, the policy to change instead of supporting families being torn apart? Instead of supporting and cheering for the building of a wall. Instead of shaking their heads and pointing their fingers at problems because of “them”?!?!
Jesus was clear in His message to love our neighbor. There is nothing loving about taking parents from children. There is nothing loving about forcing people to leave because their parents brought them to the U.S. before they even had a choice. There is nothing loving about making and enforcing laws that destroy homes, families, people. There is nothing loving about taking away hope and possibility.
Detachment and ignorance are a few ways that I can see that a follower of Jesus can justify their belief that this deplorable treatment of people is okay. Surely, if a person has any relationships with an immigrant person whether they be legal or illegal then there would be a better understanding of this situation. When I use the term relationship, I do not mean, they mow my lawn or clean my house. I mean meaningful relationship that I know the names of their children, meals have been shared, we attend each other’s celebrations. Unless you are in meaningful relationship with at least 3 immigrant families and understand their reasons for immigrating to the United States, then I do not believe it feasible to have a clear understanding of more than one side of this immigration issue, an issue that is personal and about real-life people.
Mark 12. 29 βThe most important one,β answered Jesus, βis this: βHear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[e] 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.β[f] 31 The second is this: βLove your neighbor as yourself.β[g] There is no commandment greater than these.β
As believers of Jesus, as people saved by grace, as followers of Jesus we are to love our neighbor. We are to love our neighbor whether our neighbor be legal or not.
I hope that if I came home one day and a family had illegally come into my home and after the shock and fear that I would have, and when I discovered how and why this family was in my home, I hope when I realized that they had escaped from the neighborhood nearby because there was a riot or a tornado or a gang take over or a pollutant or some other danger that did not allow them to ever go back…I hope that I would see passed what was MINE, that I would love them and be grateful that I had a place to offer safety that I would welcome them into my home and help them find a new way. I hope I would love them as Jesus commanded. Is that not what he offered me?
Thank you, Father, for your love for me. Thank you, God for your mercy and grace in my life. Thank you for your provision when it seems there are no resources and no way. I pray you will open the eyes of your people. I pray that those who do not know you will see You through your people. I pray your people, that we will love our neighbor even when that looks different than we think it should. I pray that we will stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves. Help us be a voice for the voiceless. I pray that we will love extravagantly, that we will be willing to make sacrifices so that others can be loved. I pray that we will have your eyes. Jesus, help me see what you see, love like you love.
Father, I pray for those who are looking for better way. I pray for mercy for the families that are in what seems to be a hopeless situation. I pray for protection and peace for the families that have been divided.
Jun20
Milestones are Bitter/Sweet
mileΒ·stoneΒ ΛmΔ«lΛstΕn/Β nounΒ plural noun: milestones
1. a stone set up beside a road to mark the distance in miles to a particular place.
2. an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development.
The Bitter
Milestones with my kids are the most difficult for me. Difficult in that I feel the loss of their dad the most. We are in a healthy groove in the day to day of life, but it is when those special days or momentsΒ come that I miss him the most.Β Β He is not seeing the battles being won. He is not seeing the successes and finish lines being crossed. Oh, my kids and I are spoiled rotten with people that love us and cheer us along the way. My kids do not lack for people in the crowds that are excited with every victory and success. I am not whining or ungrateful for the overwhelming support we have with the simple successes of each day and the cheers for monumental successes of a lifetime. We are loved!
But the loss is always there. There is a void no one else can fill. It seems silly in the moment when I am overcome with tears because a new school year is starting or my heart breaks becauseΒ another school year has been completed. It is because someone is missing. Someone that we know should be there.
These children are not only mine, they are ours. I hate not getting to share these moments with the man who was there with meΒ when they drew their first breaths. I hate it forΒ our kidsΒ because the void and the painΒ is thereΒ for them too. I play the role of mom and dad, but we all know I am really only the mom. There is someone missing.
I know the details of our situation are unique, their dad is still alive, but not able to participate in the daily.Β I know for various reasonsΒ there are others that deal with these milestones with just as much pain.Β I hate it for them too.
It has been 2 years since we began feeling this void. The pain of the milestones is different than the sadness of the situation or circumstance. It is not regret. It is not doubt. It is not even the loss of what was or could have been. It is not pain of divorce, this is different. If divorce was the only issue this loss would not be the same. Β I don’t think this is a pain that gets better over time. Is this grief? Maybe it changes?Β Maybe is gets more familiar? Β The void will always be as big no matter how much time passes, no matter who comes into our lives, no matter how many are holding us up. It is what it is.
The Sweet
The sweet part of the milestones is that they keep happening! Challenges are faced. Victories are celebrated! Goals are met!Β Lessons are learned! Grade levels are completed!Β Physical therapy is completed! Awards areΒ earned! We move toΒ the next level!Β We rise up!Β Fears are conquered! We get back up again! Life keeps moving and because of God’s grace we just keep moving into them! Our children are thriving! They are so brave and full of life and determination.
All 3 kids successfully completed another year of school! They are all on honor rolls for earning A’s and B’s, one is an overachiever and made Superintendent’s Honor Roll with all A’s. I am super proud of all their hard work with everything that they do! I am grateful for their hard work and effort at school. I am even more grateful for the specialΒ things like citizenship awards and new challenges conqueredΒ and excellence in leadership.
It is thrilling to see them developing the gifts that God has given them. It is overwhelmingly good to see them embracing these giftsΒ as they learn what those gifts are and how to wear them and give them back to Him.Β I really love getting to be their mom. I have enjoyed each milestone from walking to driving a car!
In the Fall Lydia will begin her Senior year. SheΒ will beΒ concurrently enrolled at OCCC as she gets a jump start on college. SheΒ is alsoΒ CaptainΒ of her school’s Pom Squad and will beΒ a part of herΒ high school’s leadershipΒ group. She has faced pain and challenges this year that are giving her more grit and grace. Her no nonsense attitude and seeing the beauty of her facing mountains head on is INSPIRING!
Zoe will be in 7th grade andΒ her first year of Junior High. Zoe enjoyed the opportunity this passed year to be a part of Canterbury Youth Voices. SheΒ sang a soloΒ beautifully in school talent show! Β In the Fall sheΒ is excited aboutΒ being in her school’s choir and being a part of her dance studio’s Teen Dance Company. Zoe’s courage blows me away!Β She is TOUGH! She tackles her fears in aΒ way that leaves the observer not knowing that she is even facing a fear, then when she is successful, she tells you wow that was hard.
Nathan will be in 4th grade, the only Johnson left at the elementary! He was the only boy in the 3rd grade that earned the Citizenship Award! He conquered manyΒ academic challenges this year and was super successful!Β Math awards, reading awards, the 200 club(kindness)Β regular…Β Academically it was his best year yet!Β As we figured out what methods of learning areΒ optimal for him, accepted his need for medication and discovering which ones are best for him, he just kept rocking and a rolling! He has a gift that leaves everyone smiling and believing you are his best friend, even if you have just met! Last year he enjoyed playing on Upward basketball team, so we will see where his interests lead him this year.Β He likes most things with a ball, or on wheels, orΒ underwater! Β He really enjoys doing whatever it is he is doing at any given moment!Β He loves LIFE and enjoys most every moment!
I am super close to finishing my Masters Degree in Secondary Education. Hopefully, that will be an exciting milestone to share next Spring! It has been a challenging, unexpected, notΒ part ofΒ my plan adventure! I look forward to seeing how God uses thisΒ piece of my journey! I have been blessed to get to continue to work in my family’s income tax and property development company. I look forward to getting a teaching position, but amΒ content to wait until this opportunity comes.
Even Sweeter
I feel the sweet Holy Spirt in the pain and triumphΒ of every milestone. I know we are not alone. I know God’s ways are way better than mine. I know that He protects us. Although, there is a void, there is also Holy Spirit God holding, comforting, and allowing us to continue to live and celebrate every milestone, the big ones, and theΒ small Β ones! I am so, so grateful God has allowed way more than I can handle, because it has allowed me to know Him more, trust Him more, and depend on Him for everything.
I am super excited about all that God has planned for us in the coming months!Β I pray you are able to feel the pain of your voids and celebrate the sweet too. I encourage you to lean in to Jesus in the bitter and in the sweet. I would not be able to do anything if not for Him.
Jill
#4realjill
May25
Spring 2016
I walk a fine line in respecting the privacy of my children, at the same time keeping those of you that love and pray for us updated. So, this post will be somewhat ofΒ a bragging post.Β Mainly, because I am so proud of my kids, butΒ even moreΒ so in awe ofΒ our Β Creator and My Savior!Β Most of you that I see regularly will learn nothing new, but for those of you that don’t, then this is what I would share if I saw you at the store and you asked how is…
Lydia
My sparkle! She is in 10th grade for one more day, soon to be a Junior,Β Β on her high school pom squad, and has a cute boyfriend! She is brave and strong and has matured so much this year. I work in a tax office, soΒ January until recently I was working a lot and in graduate school.Β She is the oldest and has carried much extra responsibility. She amazes me. She juggles school, pom, being friend, and big sister brilliantly. She has faced challenges this year and had successes and multipleΒ learning opportunities as she learns to balance and choose well.
She has no ideaΒ how much influence sheΒ has with her Β siblings in everything fromΒ is this a good songΒ to how are we going to respond to mom.Β They look to her for reaction, responses, and understanding. She pretends she does not care about anything, but actually she is one of the most compassionate, thoughtful people I know.
Zoe
Zoe tells it like it is.Β Most things are blackΒ or Β white. Zoe will boldly tell you exactly how and why it is or is not! There is never need to wonder what she is thinking or feeling, because if you can not read it on her face then she will tell you.
Zoe has a rich, beautiful singing voice and has the gift of emoting like her dad does. She has a natural gift that shines when she sings.Β She chose a song, learnedΒ the song and bravely performed for her entire school during talent showΒ this week. Her song choice is one indicator of her understanding and proof of her life’s experience this past year.Β Β Meghan Trainor’s song “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” was her song choice. I was not familiar with the song until she started learning it. Wow! Listen to the song or look up the lyrics and then apply them to our life!
Nathan
It has been a long tough year in second grade for my brave warrior, Nathan. He is the most easy going boy you will meet, and extremely tender hearted. We have spent much of the year finding tools and methods that is best for his learning needs. This hasΒ led to special testing, multiple appointments with psychologists and doctors. Eventually working with school and setting up an individualized education plan, (IEP). It has been an education for me learning new lingo and discerning what is best for my boy. So many times this year, I wanted and needed aΒ conversation with his dad to help me navigate this season.
Nathan is truly a delight!Β He makes us all laugh and most often makes really tense situations easy, because of his perspective on life and easy humor!Β He made me proud this week when he faced his fears and entertained with someΒ magic tricksΒ during a talent show for his 2nd grade class!Β He was so nervous, but he did it anyway!
Jill
Not having Allan as a mate was a choice I made. AΒ choice I knew God led me to make.Β I did not choose to not have him as a parent partner. I never would have chosen this. I have missed him so much this year. It was painful enough being ripped apart after being one for 19 years, and best friends for more than 20,Β but to lose him in parenting too has beenΒ excruciating. So many times I have just needed to ask him a question. I have needed his ideas and his opinion. I have wanted to call and tell him something the kids did or said. It is not fair.Β It is sad, It is hard.
Unless the Lord had given me help,
Β Β Β Β I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
Β When I said, βMy foot is slipping,β
Β Β Β Β your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
Β When anxiety was great within me,
Β Β Β Β your consolation brought me joy.
Psalm 94.17-18
But God…
God is good and understanding and merciful to my whining and questions. I do not know or understand all the whys and hows, but God is so faithful and I trust Him. I have seen stunning glimpses of God working it all for our good. I have seen His provision through His people. Through teachers that care, family that give extra, friends that call or send a message just in time, neighbors that are available. I have seen strength and courage in my children and felt it in my bones whenΒ we had to do another hard thing.Β This is all from God. I could not do the next hard thing without Him holding me. He holds me when I hold my children as they cry and miss their daddy. He holds me as I teach and train my children to make good choices and lead them to Jesus during the good and bad times. He holds me as we question and wonderΒ and grieve what was.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
Β Β Β Β are children born in oneβs youth.
Psalm 127.4
So, Allan does not live with us anymore, but I see him everyday!Β These kids have his sparkleΒ in theirΒ eyes.Β They have his determination for life. They are crazy, silly and remember movie quotes like they just watched the movie, like their dad always did! They each have individual mannerisms andΒ little quirks that are just like their daddy. I love this.Β I sometimes call them Allan when they remind me of him. This is one of the cool ways God works. Although, Allan’s ministry has dramatically changed, one way his ministry continues is in the gifts of our children. As they each grow and mature it is exciting to see how their unique gifts and personalities develop! They are the arrows.
An Altar
Many times in the Old Testament of the Bible God asked His people to build an altar. Usually it was after God did something greatΒ Β and it was done to mark that place orΒ time or that event.Β Β Altars were built as worship to honor God and as aΒ reminder of the work of God.Β So, as we came to the one year mark of Allan’s incident I decided to plant a tree as way of marking God’s faithfulness to us.
So, on May 21st, 2016 the kids, our friends, and I planted a tree to honor Allan, to mark God’s faithfulness in our lives, and as a beautiful picture of growth and life after destruction. It is a beautiful tree and has 3 trunks each representing one ofΒ our 3 children!
Tree Planting
On May 20th 2013 our home was dramatically damaged after tornado. We were out of our house for about 4 months while it was repaired. Part of the damage was the destruction of 3 trees in our front and back yards. It was interesting that last Saturday, May 21, 2016 in the morning in my “Facebook Memories” a picture that came up wasΒ from May 21, 2013. ItΒ was of Allan standing byΒ one of theΒ fallen trees and our damaged home.
It was a very therapeutic time as we dug that hole and placed new life into it!Β We shared memories and praised God for His faithfulness to us!Β We had a fun time with some of our favorite people! Although, Allan was not there with us as we planted a new tree, I know that he would be so proud of our sweet kidsΒ and praising God with us despite the pain.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!Β Thank you for loving us!
Jill and Crew
P.S. For updates on Allan’s recovery please see his caring bridge site that his family updates periodically. These are the updates we receive as well. Thank you.
May9
She Believed She Could, She Did
Last week I had the opportunity to lead a discussion with high school girls about the topic of feminism. Before this opportunity my thoughts on feminism were limited. I knew I was a believer in strong women and empowerment, but had not combined these thoughts with feminism. It did not take long in my preparation for these discussions that I had a vivid picture of my mom.
As I discovered terms like equality, strength, empower, world changer, and standing up for what is right, it made me realize what a beautiful example my mom is of feminism. NOT feminism in the wrongly, often used stereotypical terms, such as, man hater or girl rebel and not as a liberal feminist, radical feminist, or feminaziβ¦but as a beautiful picture of strength and determination.
My mom has faced challenges and heart ache in her life like a brave, warrior. Bold and confident is how my mom thrives. Many that know her today only see an extraordinary grandmother and a successful business woman. Those that have known her longer, have seen the struggles as she forged the path to where she is now. She has always been a fun, mom and creative entrepreneur, but it was not always as easy as she makes it look now.
I remember her working long days, nights and weekends so her 3 kids would be provided for. She worked really hard and God provided. I remember her customers buying us tires because they knew we needed them and could not afford them. I remember celebrating when she did a pedicure because that money went to something great that she was saving for our family.
I remember her taking risks to a new location or adding new nail stations only thinking if this would be better for all of the ladies working in the salon. I remember her wanting to buy a run down, falling apart, stinky house, that she said we would live in, because she saw the vision of a beautiful home. When everyone else, said, βno wayβ, she said, βwhy not, I am going to do it!β
She did. She had a successful nail salon that allowed multiple women to work and provide for their families. She stepped in to help her mother and took greater risks by owning and managing a larger full service salon. Her memories of that season include being overwhelmed. Her kidβs memories of that time are of growth and fun!
We have always had fun. She is so spontaneous and creative that there is never a dull moment. She is full of life and energy and always thinking and doing or thinking and telling us how to do it or how to get it done! She can find the good when there seems to be none.
Not only that, she created a home for my brother and sister and I to thrive. We were taught independence and determination and responsibility. We felt safe and loved. We were taught hospitality and love. We were shown how to give, how to trust, how to have faith. She taught us how to love people, all people, regardless of race, appearance, language they speak, or social standing. She taught us that people are people.
She is crazy brave and adventurous and after having successful businesses in the beauty world she changed careers to help her grandmother. What she thought was a temporary post 25 years ago to help her grandmother (and to buy her precious first born a car) has become a new way of life. She nurtured and grew an income tax business that now serves thousands of people a year, is a rental management office, and a property/business development consulting office.
She lived out and still lives out love. Jesus shines so brightly in her, that we were and are all led to Him because of her faith and trust in Him. She has always been clear that the reason she takes risk, gives so much, and forgives so quickly is because of the work of Jesus in her life.
I grew up in a salon, helping in the family business. I have been blessed this last year and a half to get to work with her again full time. Obviously, it is different because now we do taxes and then we did nails and hair! It is much the same as it was in my youth. It is the same in that she is always thinking how can we do it better. How can we serve better? How can we be more efficient? It is the same in that she is innovative, creative, and generous.
Regardless of the job, ministry, task or event, we are in the people business. As a youth I saw her serve people as she held their hand and did their nails. As a youth she had us serving in church. She supported all of our adventures and ministry opportunities.
Now numbers and taxes is her mode of service. She has built a business that people trust. People trust her with decisions in their business, but they also trust her for guidance in their lives. She cries with them, she laughs with them, she guides them, and they name their children after her!
She is still my biggest supporter in whatever passion or dream I envision. She loves my kids while I am on adventures. She takes us on adventures! She hosts ladiesβ events, a whole grade level of kids for a swim party, or our current favorite craft night. She taught us so well to dream big, and she continues now to support and encourage us all along the way!
As I led that discussion on feminism, I was reminded of a time in the early years of her being a single mom and business owner. We just had the nail shop, The Nailery, and the electricity had gone out, blown a breaker. It was night time and the breaker box was at the back of the building. There were four of us. She was at the breaker, my sister was at one corner of the building, my brother was at another corner of the building, and I stood at the door to the shop. She would flip a breaker, βis that it?β, she would flip another breaker, βit that it?β, βnoβ, βnoβ, βnoβ, βis that it?β, YES!β, βYes!β,β Yes!β She, we had fixed the electricity.
It was then that the song/chant was created that would follow us to today! βI can fry up the bacon, I can fry up the ham, I can fix the electricity as good as the OG&E man!β I am not sure how the real song goes, but this is always how we sang it. This is what she lives. She believes she can and she does! Be smart, work hard, ask questions, honor God.
So, when thinking of feminism, this is why I think of my mom. She is brave and strong and a real life story of being a woman and believing she can do it, and doing it. She has never let being a woman stop her from anything. She fights for what is right. She gives generously. She fights for equality of all people and will invite anyone into her home! She loves big and lives loud! I love her so much and am so thankful for the brave, strong woman she is and has taught me to be!
Happy Motherβs Day, Momma! Jill Natalie
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