Category Archives: Uncategorized

Jun20

Milestones are Bitter/Sweet

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Milestones are Bitter/Sweet

mile·stone  ˈmīlˌstōn/  noun  plural noun: milestones
1. a stone set up beside a road to mark the distance in miles to a particular place.
2. an action or event marking a significant change or stage in development.

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The Bitter

Milestones with my kids are the most difficult for me. Difficult in that I feel the loss of their dad the most. We are in a healthy groove in the day to day of life, but it is when those special days or moments come that I miss him the most.  He is not seeing the battles being won. He is not seeing the successes and finish lines being crossed. Oh, my kids and I are spoiled rotten with people that love us and cheer us along the way. My kids do not lack for people in the crowds that are excited with every victory and success. I am not whining or ungrateful for the overwhelming support we have with the simple successes of each day and the cheers for monumental successes of a lifetime. We are loved!

 

But the loss is always there. There is a void no one else can fill. It seems silly in the moment when I am overcome with tears because a new school year is starting or my heart breaks because another school year has been completed. It is because someone is missing. Someone that we know should be there.

These children are not only mine, they are ours. I hate not getting to share these moments with the man who was there with me when they drew their first breaths. I hate it for our kids because the void and the pain is there for them too. I play the role of mom and dad, but we all know I am really only the mom. There is someone missing.

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I know the details of our situation are unique, their dad is still alive, but not able to participate in the daily. I know for various reasons there are others that deal with these milestones with just as much pain. I hate it for them too.

It has been 2 years since we began feeling this void. The pain of the milestones is different than the sadness of the situation or circumstance. It is not regret. It is not doubt. It is not even the loss of what was or could have been. It is not pain of divorce, this is different. If divorce was the only issue this loss would not be the same.  I don’t think this is a pain that gets better over time. Is this grief? Maybe it changes?  Maybe is gets more familiar?  The void will always be as big no matter how much time passes, no matter who comes into our lives, no matter how many are holding us up. It is what it is.

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The Sweet

The sweet part of the milestones is that they keep happening! Challenges are faced. Victories are celebrated! Goals are met!  Lessons are learned! Grade levels are completed!  Physical therapy is completed! Awards are earned! We move to the next level!  We rise up! Fears are conquered! We get back up again! Life keeps moving and because of God’s grace we just keep moving into them! Our children are thriving! They are so brave and full of life and determination.

All 3 kids successfully completed another year of school! They are all on honor rolls for earning A’s and B’s, one is an overachiever and made Superintendent’s Honor Roll with all A’s. I am super proud of all their hard work with everything that they do! I am grateful for their hard work and effort at school. I am even more grateful for the special things like citizenship awards and new challenges conquered and excellence in leadership.

It is thrilling to see them developing the gifts that God has given them. It is overwhelmingly good to see them embracing these gifts as they learn what those gifts are and how to wear them and give them back to Him.  I really love getting to be their mom. I have enjoyed each milestone from walking to driving a car!

In the Fall Lydia will begin her Senior year. She will be concurrently enrolled at OCCC as she gets a jump start on college. She is also Captain of her school’s Pom Squad and will be a part of her high school’s leadership group. She has faced pain and challenges this year that are giving her more grit and grace. Her no nonsense attitude and seeing the beauty of her facing mountains head on is INSPIRING!

Zoe will be in 7th grade and her first year of Junior High. Zoe enjoyed the opportunity this passed year to be a part of Canterbury Youth Voices. She sang a solo beautifully in school talent show!  In the Fall she is excited about  being in her school’s choir and being a part of her dance studio’s Teen Dance Company. Zoe’s courage blows me away!  She is TOUGH! She tackles her fears in a way that leaves the observer not knowing that she is even facing a fear, then when she is successful, she tells you wow that was hard.

Nathan will be in 4th grade, the only Johnson left at the elementary! He was the only boy in the 3rd grade that earned the Citizenship Award! He conquered many academic challenges this year and was super successful! Math awards, reading awards, the 200 club(kindness) regular… Academically it was his best year yet!  As we figured out what methods of learning are optimal for him, accepted his need for medication and discovering which ones are best for him, he just kept rocking and a rolling! He has a gift that leaves everyone smiling and believing you are his best friend, even if you have just met! Last year he enjoyed playing on Upward basketball team, so we will see where his interests lead him this year. He likes most things with a ball, or on wheels, or underwater!  He really enjoys doing whatever it is he is doing at any given moment!  He loves LIFE and enjoys most every moment!

I am super close to finishing my Masters Degree in Secondary Education. Hopefully, that will be an exciting milestone to share next Spring! It has been a challenging, unexpected, not part of my plan adventure! I look forward to seeing how God uses this piece of my journey! I have been blessed to get to continue to work in my family’s income tax and property development company. I look forward to getting a teaching position, but am content to wait until this opportunity comes.

Even Sweeter

I feel the sweet Holy Spirt in the pain and triumph of every milestone. I know we are not alone. I know God’s ways are way better than mine. I know that He protects us. Although, there is a void, there is also Holy Spirit God holding, comforting, and allowing us to continue to live and celebrate every milestone, the big ones, and the small  ones! I am so, so grateful God has allowed way more than I can handle, because it has allowed me to know Him more, trust Him more, and depend on Him for everything.

I am super excited about all that God has planned for us in the coming months!  I pray you are able to feel the pain of your voids and celebrate the sweet too. I encourage you to lean in to Jesus in the bitter and in the sweet. I would not be able to do anything if not for Him.

 

Jill

#4realjill

 

 

 

May25

Spring 2016

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Spring 2016

I walk a fine line in respecting the privacy of my children, at the same time keeping those of you that love and pray for us updated. So, this post will be somewhat of a bragging post.  Mainly, because I am so proud of my kids, but  even more  so in awe of our  Creator and My Savior!  Most of you that I see regularly will learn nothing new, but for those of you that don’t, then this is what I would share if I saw you at the store and you asked how is…

Lydia

My sparkle! She is in 10th grade for one more day, soon to be a Junior,  on her high school pom squad, and has a cute boyfriend! She is brave and strong and has matured so much this year. I work in a tax office, so January until recently I was working a lot and in graduate school.  She is the oldest and has carried much extra responsibility. She amazes me. She juggles school, pom, being friend, and big sister brilliantly. She has faced challenges this year and had successes and multiple learning opportunities as she learns to balance and choose well.

She has no idea how much influence she has with her  siblings in everything from is this a good song to how are we going to respond to mom.  They look to her for reaction, responses, and understanding. She pretends she does not care about anything, but actually she is one of the most compassionate, thoughtful people I know.

 

Zoe

Zoe tells it like it is.  Most things are black or  white. Zoe will boldly tell you exactly how and why it is or is not! There is never need to wonder what she is thinking or feeling, because if you can not read it on her face then she will tell you.

Zoe has a rich, beautiful singing voice and has the gift of emoting like her dad does. She has a natural gift that shines when she sings.  She chose a song, learned the song and bravely performed for her entire school during talent show this week. Her song choice is one indicator of her understanding and proof of her life’s experience this past year.   Meghan Trainor’s song “Like I’m Gonna Lose You” was her song choice. I was not familiar with the song until she started learning it. Wow! Listen to the song or look up the lyrics and then apply them to our life!

Nathan

It has been a long tough year in second grade for my brave warrior, Nathan. He is the most easy going boy you will meet, and extremely tender hearted. We have spent much of the year finding tools and methods that is best for his learning needs. This has led to special testing, multiple appointments with psychologists and doctors. Eventually working with school and setting up an individualized education plan, (IEP). It has been an education for me learning new lingo and discerning what is best for my boy. So many times this year, I wanted and needed a conversation with his dad to help me navigate this season.

Nathan is truly a delight!  He makes us all laugh and most often makes really tense situations easy, because of his perspective on life and easy humor!  He made me proud this week when he faced his fears and entertained with some magic tricks during a talent show for his 2nd grade class!  He was so nervous, but he did it anyway!

 

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Jill

Not having Allan as a mate was a choice I made. A choice I knew God led me to make.  I did not choose to not have him as a parent partner. I never would have chosen this. I have missed him so much this year. It was painful enough being ripped apart after being one for 19 years, and best friends for more than 20, but to lose him in parenting too has been excruciating. So many times I have just needed to ask him a question. I have needed his ideas and his opinion. I have wanted to call and tell him something the kids did or said. It is not fair.  It is sad, It is hard.

Unless the Lord had given me help,
    I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.
 When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
    your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
 When anxiety was great within me,
    your consolation brought me joy.

Psalm 94.17-18

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But God…

God is good and understanding and merciful to my whining and questions. I do not know or understand all the whys and hows, but God is so faithful and I trust Him. I have seen stunning glimpses of God working it all for our good. I have seen His provision through His people. Through teachers that care, family that give extra, friends that call or send a message just in time, neighbors that are available. I have seen strength and courage in my children and felt it in my bones when we had to do another hard thing.  This is all from God. I could not do the next hard thing without Him holding me. He holds me when I hold my children as they cry and miss their daddy. He holds me as I teach and train my children to make good choices and lead them to Jesus during the good and bad times. He holds me as we question and wonder and grieve what was.

 

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.

Psalm 127.4

So, Allan does not live with us anymore, but I see him everyday!  These kids have his sparkle in their eyes.  They have his determination for life. They are crazy, silly and remember movie quotes like they just watched the movie, like their dad always did! They each have individual mannerisms and little quirks that are just like their daddy. I love this.  I sometimes call them Allan when they remind me of him. This is one of the cool ways God works. Although, Allan’s ministry has dramatically changed, one way his ministry continues is in the gifts of our children. As they each grow and mature it is exciting to see how their unique gifts and personalities develop! They are the arrows.

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An Altar

Many times in the Old Testament of the Bible God asked His people to build an altar. Usually it was after God did something great  and it was done to mark that place or time or that event.  Altars were built as worship to honor God and as a reminder of the work of God.  So, as we came to the one year mark of Allan’s incident I decided to plant a tree as way of marking God’s faithfulness to us.

So, on May 21st, 2016 the kids, our friends, and I planted a tree to honor Allan, to mark God’s faithfulness in our lives, and as a beautiful picture of growth and life after destruction. It is a beautiful tree and has 3 trunks each representing one of our 3 children!

Tree Planting

On May 20th 2013 our home was dramatically damaged after tornado. We were out of our house for about 4 months while it was repaired. Part of the damage was the destruction of 3 trees in our front and back yards. It was interesting that last Saturday, May 21, 2016 in the morning in my “Facebook Memories” a picture that came up was from May 21, 2013. It was of Allan standing by one of the fallen trees and our damaged home.

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It was a very therapeutic time as we dug that hole and placed new life into it!  We shared memories and praised God for His faithfulness to us!  We had a fun time with some of our favorite people! Although, Allan was not there with us as we planted a new tree, I know that he would be so proud of our sweet kids and praising God with us despite the pain.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!  Thank you for loving us!

Jill and Crew

 

P.S. For updates on Allan’s recovery please see his caring bridge site that his family updates periodically. These are the updates we receive as well. Thank you.

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May9

She Believed She Could, She Did

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She Believed She Could, She Did

Last week I had the opportunity to lead a discussion with high school girls about the topic of feminism. Before this opportunity my thoughts on feminism were limited. I knew I was a believer in strong women and empowerment, but had not combined these thoughts with feminism. It did not take long in my preparation for these discussions that I had a vivid picture of my mom.

As I discovered terms like equality, strength, empower, world changer, and standing up for what is right, it made me realize what a beautiful example my mom is of feminism. NOT feminism in the wrongly, often used stereotypical terms, such as, man hater or girl rebel and not as a liberal feminist, radical feminist, or feminazi…but as a beautiful picture of strength and determination.

My mom has faced challenges and heart ache in her life like a brave, warrior. Bold and confident is how my mom thrives. Many that know her today only see an extraordinary grandmother and a successful business woman. Those that have known her longer, have seen the struggles as she forged the path to where she is now. She has always been a fun, mom and creative entrepreneur, but it was not always as easy as she makes it look now.

I remember her working long days, nights and weekends so her 3 kids would be provided for. She worked really hard and God provided. I remember her customers buying us tires because they knew we needed them and could not afford them. I remember celebrating when she did a pedicure because that money went to something great that she was saving for our family.

I remember her taking risks to a new location or adding new nail stations only thinking if this would be better for all of the ladies working in the salon. I remember her wanting to buy a run down, falling apart, stinky house, that she said we would live in, because she saw the vision of a beautiful home. When everyone else, said, “no way”, she said, “why not, I am going to do it!”

She did. She had a successful nail salon that allowed multiple women to work and provide for their families. She stepped in to help her mother and took greater risks by owning and managing a larger full service salon. Her memories of that season include being overwhelmed. Her kid’s memories of that time are of growth and fun!

We have always had fun. She is so spontaneous and creative that there is never a dull moment. She is full of life and energy and always thinking and doing or thinking and telling us how to do it or how to get it done! She can find the good when there seems to be none.

Not only that, she created a home for my brother and sister and I to thrive. We were taught independence and determination and responsibility. We felt safe and loved. We were taught hospitality and love. We were shown how to give, how to trust, how to have faith. She taught us how to love people, all people, regardless of race, appearance, language they speak, or social standing. She taught us that people are people.

She is crazy brave and adventurous and after having successful businesses in the beauty world she changed careers to help her grandmother. What she thought was a temporary post 25 years ago to help her grandmother (and to buy her precious first born a car) has become a new way of life. She nurtured and grew an income tax business that now serves thousands of people a year, is a rental management office, and a property/business development consulting office.

She lived out and still lives out love. Jesus shines so brightly in her, that we were and are all led to Him because of her faith and trust in Him. She has always been clear that the reason she takes risk, gives so much, and forgives so quickly is because of the work of Jesus in her life.

I grew up in a salon, helping in the family business. I have been blessed this last year and a half to get to work with her again full time. Obviously, it is different because now we do taxes and then we did nails and hair! It is much the same as it was in my youth. It is the same in that she is always thinking how can we do it better. How can we serve better? How can we be more efficient? It is the same in that she is innovative, creative, and generous.

Regardless of the job, ministry, task or event, we are in the people business. As a youth I saw her serve people as she held their hand and did their nails. As a youth she had us serving in church. She supported all of our adventures and ministry opportunities.

Now numbers and taxes is her mode of service. She has built a business that people trust. People trust her with decisions in their business, but they also trust her for guidance in their lives. She cries with them, she laughs with them, she guides them, and they name their children after her!

She is still my biggest supporter in whatever passion or dream I envision. She loves my kids while I am on adventures. She takes us on adventures! She hosts ladies’ events, a whole grade level of kids for a swim party, or our current favorite craft night. She taught us so well to dream big, and she continues now to support and encourage us all along the way!

As I led that discussion on feminism, I was reminded of a time in the early years of her being a single mom and business owner. We just had the nail shop, The Nailery, and the electricity had gone out, blown a breaker. It was night time and the breaker box was at the back of the building. There were four of us. She was at the breaker, my sister was at one corner of the building, my brother was at another corner of the building, and I stood at the door to the shop. She would flip a breaker, “is that it?”, she would flip another breaker, “it that it?”, “no”, “no”, “no”, “is that it?”, YES!”, “Yes!”,” Yes!” She, we had fixed the electricity.

It was then that the song/chant was created that would follow us to today! “I can fry up the bacon, I can fry up the ham, I can fix the electricity as good as the OG&E man!” I am not sure how the real song goes, but this is always how we sang it. This is what she lives. She believes she can and she does! Be smart, work hard, ask questions, honor God.

So, when thinking of feminism, this is why I think of my mom. She is brave and strong and a real life story of being a woman and believing she can do it, and doing it. She has never let being a woman stop her from anything. She fights for what is right. She gives generously. She fights for equality of all people and will invite anyone into her home! She loves big and lives loud! I love her so much and am so thankful for the brave, strong woman she is and has taught me to be!

Happy Mother’s Day, Momma! Jill Natalie

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Dec21

Merry Christmas from Jill’s Crew

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Merry Christmas from Jill’s Crew

Wow, it has been a hard season.  Lots of good, lots of blessings, but lots of hard, tough moments. Lots of proof that Emmanuel, God is with us!

We are still taking it one day, sometimes one moment at a time. These special times of tradition and routine are difficult as life is just not traditional.

One example of tradition not being tradition was a few weeks ago when Nathan and I put out our Christmas yard decorations. I don’t really enjoy yard work of any kind and have never taken the opportunity to participate on the Christmas yard decor.  I pulled out the tubs with the yard lights and blow up polar bear. The lights were all rolled and coiled in a particular Allan way and all the extension cords and stakes just like he stored them last year and the year before. I had never got into these particular tubs. Nathan was familiar with it all.  Nathan repeatedly said, “I am so glad daddy taught me how to do this.” I told Nathan how thankful I was that his daddy taught him how to do this too! Of course, half the lights did not come on,  because who ever opens up a tub of lights to have them all work?  Not me! Nathan’s eyes were brighter than the lights as he excitedly plugged each strand in.  He said, “I am so mad that they don’t all work.”  I said, “I am so mad your dad is not here, I miss him.”  Because, sometimes I am just mad. I don’t know where the stakes go.  I don’t know which cord to use with what.  And honestly, it is not like we have ever had an elaborate yard, but even the simple takes a lot of cords and connections and stakes for the blow up bear or Santa or whatever! So, we used what we had. But really I am not mad, but just so, so sad, because this was their thing. This is Allan and Nathan’s tradition. God provided Nathan’s neighbor buddies to help us spread the joy and we have what I would call a Charlie Brown yard.  It makes us smile when we come home and it is another hard thing that we survived.

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Then there is the Christmas shopping that Allan and I always did together. Even last year, separated, we planned,  we shopped and wrapped together. This year there was no Christmas money, which is a challenge in itself. (Even though, Nathan has very clearly told me, that I do not need to get him much, because Santa always gets him plenty!) And no planning together to decide what would thrill the kids the most. God is still here. Christmas is still exciting. God provided a community ministry that allowed the kids to shop for me and each other. And God provided my sister. She shopped with me. She paid for us. She was excited for us. We may have had a few moments of held back tears and some that were not, but we pressed on, and now we are ready! Another hard thing survived.

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Allan is still being cared for in a facility in Houston. We visited one time in September. This visit was hard, but good.  Lydia, Zoe, and Nathan got to see their dad and that he is still their dad. It was very sad for all of us to see him, not his vibrant, silly,fun, and independent self,not as we have always known him.

I stay honest and real with my kids. We have talked about how big God is and asked God for complete healing of their dad.  We have put our faith and trust in God and His choice to heal him on earth or in heaven. What I had not initially prepared them for was the reality of their dad staying in his current condition, with small steps forward and backward, for an extended length of time. This is a very tough, difficult reality. It is painful and difficult for me as a grown up person to comprehend this reality, so for this truth to be understood by these 3 precious ones is a huge reality to grasp.

I have always been amazed that 3 people can come from the same 2 people and, yet be such different people with night and day personalities. They are 15, 11, and almost 9. Their different personalities coupled with their various ages put them at different places with their understanding, coping, and emotions. As their mom, my challenge is meeting them each where they are. This is true for all parents, but so much more obvious during times of trauma.

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The last several months the kids and I have been working on acceptance. Peace comes in acceptance. Accepting that God’s way is way better than anything we can imagine. Accepting that for some reasons God has allowed for this vibrant man to be held in this place. That no matter how painful, how sad, no matter how angry it makes us, no matter how unfair it seems, God’s way is best. Allan taught the kids, “God’s way works, our way is jacked up!”

“God can do anything, you know, far more than you can ever imagine, guess, or request in your wildest dreams. He does it not by pushing us around, but by working within us, His Spirit deeply and gently within us.” Ephesians 3. 20 Msg.

Jesus being beaten was bad. Jesus being hung on the cross was bad. Jesus becoming my sin was bad. BUT, it was used FOR good. It was used to pay my debts, to give me abundant life, to give me a relationship with Jesus, the Son of God. So, if the death of the Son of God can be used for good then I must believe that a heart stopping for too long, brain damage, and kids not having a dad involved in their lives can be and will be used for good.

So, all of that to say…the reality of not having Allan in our lives is sad and hard.  No matter the situation the unknown is generally the most difficult. This is for sure true in this situation. We are in a holding pattern.  We timidly grieve because there is great loss.  At the same time to grieve feels like we are giving up hope. But, there is much to grieve. We have had birthdays, celebrations, school programs, dance competitions, AR goals, football games, holidays, homework, hard talks, school challenges, fun times, funny times, new friends, new experiences, falls, and victories and lots of life that has happened without daddy.

An advent reading this past week took us to the story of Esther. We were reminded of Esther and her position in time and place at just the right time.  It was a good reminder for us of our opportunity to be Light and Life where we are right now for such a time as this. Even when things are crazy, hard  it is still an opportunity for us to be light and life.

Sometimes the biggest challenge is to stay in the present.  To stay in the gift of today and right now. It is tempting to go to “what if”, “if only” or “maybe someday”, or “only, when”, “after this”, or to just completely detach.  Today is a gift.

These kids are so brave and strong and full of faith. They each have coped in various ways and have had various challenges and ways that their grief is expressed.  They inspire me and challenge me to do the next right thing.

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Allan being fully restored and healed on earth or heaven  will be incredible.  This in between does not seem to be incredible, but for some reason this is what God has allowed, so it must be incredible too, right?! We continue to trust Him in the unknown. As I have faced challenges in the past I have learned to strive to gain all I can from the challenge at hand.  To pick up all that God has for me, to learn all He is teaching, to discover all the ways He has for me to grow and depend on Him more and more.

Some days I do better than others.  Some days I trust Him more than other days.  Some days I must apologize to those I love for reacting. Or for believing a lie which just causes pain. All of this makes me so, so thankful for grace.  God’s grace pulling me to Himself.  God’s grace pursuing me and holding me close. The grace my kids offer as they look at me like I may be crazy because I just flipped out over a silly nothing.  I am so thankful for grace from my mom, my sister, my brother, my family and friends continue to give because I know I am taking way more than I am able to give back.

Please continue to pray for Allan’s healing. Pray for me as I parent these treasures. Pray for continued protection of our hearts and minds. Pray for us as we survive and thrive thru the next few days of hard things. Pray that the social security office will approve Allan’s disability and that there will be some financial support for the kids.

We are thankful for you.  Thank you for your continued prayers and support.  Thank you for your messages, cards, texts, and hugs.  I appreciate you all so much.  I pray you enjoy this Christmas season and enjoy the ones you love! I pray you Seek Jesus and feel Him holding you as you survive and thrive in the midst of your next hard thing.

Merry Christmas

Jill, Lydia, Zoe, and Nathan

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photo credit to the precious Lauren Wood!

 

 

 

Aug28

How are you? the kids?

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20150625_162055 (1) (1)Let me first say, thank you.  Thank you for your prayers, concern, texts, messages, hugs, cards and all the ways you have shown me and my sweet kids your love.  It is truly overwhelming and so sweet to be loved by you.  God has used you to encourage and love us.

Some of you are brave enough to ask, some of you just give us the “look”.  I get it.  What do you say?  How do you ask? Do you ask if the kids are with me? Do you ask the kids? Do I know what you mean when you ask, How are YOU? Well, let me tell you as hard as it is for you to ask, “How are you?”, it is even harder to answer.

So, for those that are just needing a brief answer…  We take it one day at a time, some days one moment at a time.  We have good days, good moments, and really hard days, and hard moments. We  have sudden outbursts for no reason, we often cry at the weirdest times (I use “we” loosely, really it is me that cries at weird times!) , and we are the hardest on each other.  We remember happy memories together.  We laugh at funny times and we share sweet memories.  If something triggers a memory we share it with each other. {that’s the end of the brief answer}

Our summer was busy, with camps, work, vbs, trips to Colorado and Branson. We made many special memories.  We have not been to Houston.  I continue to seek the Lord on this.  The kids and I stay open and talk much about reality, faith, and are committed to being honest with our thoughts and feelings. They get tired of me wanting to talk about their feelings, but oh, well, it is for their own good!  I continue to seek God, trust counselors around me, and stay in tune with where the kids are emotionally and do all I can to parent them best!

We are now adjusting to routine of school year.  In some ways the routine of school is harder.  There are more obvious voids in the routine, however, routine is good and creates security.  God is faithful.  The kids and I have felt the peace and strength of God even when crying “why”.   I am so glad that nothing is wasted.  God uses it all to bring us closer to Him and for His Glory.  We do give him all the glory even when we do not understand.  Anybody, that says, “God does not give you more than you can handle”, is wrong.  I have experienced way more than I can handle over and over, and know without a doubt it is these times that I am even more aware of my need for Him and aware of His Greatness.

I have only been in love once. I have only been on a date with one man.  I fell in love when I was still a child at the age of 16.  I got to marry that man when I was 19. I grew up with that man. I learned to love and be loved. I went to college. Started a business. Started another business. Got to be a mom to 3 amazing people.  Got to walk by my son as he fought cancer and is a survivor. Got to do ministry in churches, schools, and the community.  Bought 2 homes. Developed friendships around the state, country, and world.  Experienced betrayal, rejection, and brokenness. Survived a tornado. Survived the rebuild after a tornado. Failed.  Succeeded. Divorced the man of my dreams because I loved him, because I loved our children, because I loved me, because God said it is time. Through it all I have got to know the Creator of the Universe more and more. I have been loved by the One True God and felt Him hold me close. I trust Him more and am so thankful to be loved by Him.  I rarely know the why or how or what but, I trust my God.  I have been amazed at God’s care for the details.

It seems I have been on a roller coaster ride that keeps going. May 20th,2015 my divorce was final.  So, after what I thought was one of the hardest years of my life, I was soon to discover was just a little hard. May 21st my life was forever changed by a new trauma that has started an even more difficult chapter. The pain that comes with divorce is raw.  The pain that comes with parenting your children through divorce is ugly. The pain that comes with a trauma that takes your children’s dad and your best friend of 20 years out of your lives is indescribable.

Do you see why, when I am asked, “How are you?”, that I have a hard time answering?!?  Most of the time I am doing ok, some days it has taken all I have to just get out of bed, and then there are other days, that I can truly say, “I’m good”.  I have a hard time sleeping, and therefore I am tired most of the day.  I am so thankful for the support of my family and friends.  I am blessed to get to work in my family’s tax and property development business.  I have also just started on exciting path of graduate school.  I had planned to get alternatively certified this summer and get a teaching job this Fall, but that did not happen. I will still get certified to teach just not on my time table.  One of the details that God worked was the opportunity for this graduate program.

I would not want to speak for my kids, but I will give you my perspective on those crazy, brilliant, silly kids.

They are amazing!  They are brave and strong and the greatest examples of faith I have ever seen.  They inspire me daily.  They do not even realize how brave and full of faith they are!  They hurt, but they are brave.  They face it.  They keep going. I see the Holy Spirit working in them and carrying them.  Not to imply that they don’t fight and have to be told 15 times to do a chore, they are human, they are normal, sometimes whiny, bratty kids! But, when Jesus, said, “have faith like a child”, He was talking about my kids!

Bottom line… this part of my journey sucks!  It is hard and painful and full of hard talks, crying and questions without answers.  But God is good and I still trust Him!

What you can do:

Prayer for God’s will in my man’s life, okay, so, he is not legally my man anymore, but he is still one of my favorite people, so pray for my kid’s dad and God’s will in my kid’s dad’s life, pray for complete healing either here or in heaven.  We trust Him.

Prayer for my kids and for them to continue to seek God and trust God even when life is painful and hard.  Pray for healing for their hearts.

Prayer for me as my heart heals and that I parent the best I can.

Give money.  There are 2 different Go Fund Me accounts.  There is one for Allan’s medical expenses (Allan’s miracle) and there is another for the care of the children (Care of Allan Johnson’s Children).  I was in no way prepared or set up to be a one income home, therefore, we are barely making it.  So, if you are able and want to give money to either of these accounts we will be grateful.

Well, you have now read the long version!  I hope you are glad you asked!

Love to you, Jill

Aug21

Class Sizes Set Up for Failure! :/

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Class Sizes Set Up for Failure! :/

We have been anxiously anticipating our new school!  We were not disappointed!  We are so grateful for our new beautiful building!

However, I have great concern about what is going to happen inside the building. The class sizes are not conducive to effective learning! Obviously, I do not know all the class sizes, but the one I am most concerned about is my son’s first grade class.

Our first grade classes are too big. Each first grade class has 27-28 first graders! That is too many students for these amazing teachers to effectively teach. It is not fair to our kids.  It is not fair to our teachers. It is unrealistic that they will have best year possible with so many students in their classes.

Our son had a difficult time adjusting to first grade last year.  For multiple reasons he is doing first grade again.  I do not blame this on anything that was done or not done last year, he is where he is supposed to be.  I would count last year’s class size, room size, and initial chaos as factors in the challenges of his first First grade year.

Last year we were flexible and grateful for Emmaus and everyone that helped make the school year happen.  It was not an ideal circumstance, but everyone made the best with space and materials available.  One way I feel we were able to do that was with the hope of the next year (this year) being better and worth the wait.  This year when we would have (and do have) new building, new desks, new, new, new the year comes with much expectation!

That is all wonderful, but 28 first graders in one class with one teacher!  This is not wonderful and it is not even close to good!  I am sure these numbers on paper seemed reasonable, however, when is the last time you were with a group of first graders, even 5 first graders at a time?  Then, imagine the responsibility of teaching them to read.

It is crazy that our beloved Moore Public Schools, where people move to be in the district would knowingly be set up for failure.  At Briarwood, we have endured enough traumas, and then to be asked to accept 28 students in our first grade class I believe that this is unacceptable!

It is not safe.  How can one adult properly monitor 28 learners all at different levels with different learning and behavior and physical needs?  How can they even safely go down the hall without risk of loosing a few?  That is if they are the only ones in the hall at the time, but then put a few other 28 student classes walking and passing and going different directions it becomes chaos, with a few adults to monitor.

There is not enough time in a school day for a class of 28 first graders.  How long will it take for 28 first graders to take a bathroom/water break?  How much time will one teacher need to listen to all 28 students read even one time each week?  Even in a perfect class with quick learners and superb teaching and planning, if even possible, adequate time with small groups of students will be highly limited.

So, we are in our new school, but still not enough space.  Yes, the classrooms are bigger, but there are more students, so did we gain any space in our new school?  If we measured space per student is it any better than our tight Sunday school classes of last year?

Is the argument that it will work its way out over the next few years?  By then it is too late for my first grader.  These students do not have the time to sacrifice another year of their learning.  First Grade is the foundation for their educations for the rest of their lives, this year must be great!

Class size is a key factor in student success and failure in every grade level, one study I read even cited small class sizes significantly impacting success and failure at the college level.  It is a key factor in the early years, K-2nd.  I have done some research and will not list it all here, but there multiple studies on the impact of class size just on achievement tests, behavioral issues, and teacher migration and burn out.  Why set us up to fail or drop in any of these areas?

I have simply scratched the surface with the issues and arguments I have about this situation. I would really like to understand any benefit for my child in being one in a class on 28 during his second first grade year.

We are overboard excited about our new school!  After a life changing tornado, and one school year in a amazingly generous church, we are blessed with our brand new school building!  New desks, new books, new playground, new, new, new!  It is amazing!

But… are there enough new desks?  Are there enough new books?

My fears are about what will happen on the inside?  We have been set up for failure.   Our kids will not have best year possible.  Our teachers will not have best year possible.

I don’t think this is fair.  It is not fair for any school, any teacher, any student!  It is not fair for a school, teachers, and students who have lost so much and sacrificed so much all with the anticipation and expectation that this year would be better.

Do I expect a perfect school?  No

Do I expect everything to run smoothly immediately?  No

Do I expect no challenges in the transition?  No

I do expect safe learning environment.

I do expect my children to be taught and not just herded.

I do expect my children’s teachers to know if my child is struggling with a concept.

I do expect our district’s administration to consider all students as people and not just a number.

I do expect our children’s education to be more valuable than money or publicity.

How can one teacher effectively teach 28 first graders?  I don’t want to see if it is possible, the risk is too great.

Jill Johnson

Mom to Lydia (9th grade), Zoe (4th grade), Nathan (1st grade)

First Day 2014!

First Day 2014!

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Nov14

Do As A I Say, Not As I Do?!

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Do As A I Say, Not As I Do?!

I am wading into the deep waters of life as a parent of a teenager. She is only 12, but I think maybe 12 is the new 15!

My children have been one of God’s greatest tools He uses to teach me. He has used them to teach me about Him, His love for me, about myself, and just about people in general.  I have no doubt that these new waters of the teen years are going to be any different, but maybe some new, rough waves!

I continue to be reminded how important my model for my children is. It is that hard reality of they will do what they see, not what I say! How humbling it is to see myself in them. Granted sometimes it can be a blessing, but other times it is maddening!!!

One of my life theories is that the things that bother me most about other people are the things that are most like myself.  ( I may have to blog another day about that!)  I have found this theory to be true in my children.  I get frustrated when their rooms are a mess or their clothes cover their closet floors instead of fill the drawers.  It frustrates me that my sweet oldest daughter waits until Sunday to read a book and DO the book report that is due Monday.

Why does that bother me?  I should have compassion right?  I mean it takes me a few days, okay, a week to hang up my laundry.  I pile books and magazines next to my bed.  I was doing my 2011 taxes on October 13 since they were due October 15 with my extension.

As we are stepping into the new waters of the teen years, my husband and I began praying for God’s wisdom concerning this matter.  We were asking for clarity and direction on the best way to discipline, love and correct specific areas of our children’s lives.

I did not get the answer I was wanting.  I was not led to the perfect how to parent book.  Sadly, it was not a new revelation, not a big surprise because it does generally take me a few times to get something anyway! This answer was a good reminder that this solution applies not just to my relationship with my husband, not just with friends, and business interactions, but also, with parenting these sweet loans God as given me to parent.

My prayer focus and effort does not need to be my children, but their parent!

My prayer focus and efforts need to be on me.  On my life.  On my example.  On my model.  My model of discipline in my own life.  My efforts to love.  My example of asking for forgiveness.  My model of doing my best and all I can to honor God in all areas of my life.  My dependence must continue to be on God and not what I can do to fix this, fix them, fix this situation.

I can’t fix her, them!  I can’t make her what I want!  This is their journey.  Yes, I need to pray for my children.  Yes, I need to train and discipline.  Yes, there need to be consequences for choices.  Yes, Praise God, I get to be an integral part of their journeys!

The best thing I can do is show them how to honor God with their lives.  I can show mercy. I can demonstrate forgiveness.  I can model discipline with my body and time.  I can control my actions and my words.  I can set boundaries.  I can show them how to have healthy relationships. Wow, it is a lot!  I am hoping if I am able to at least model a few of the above listed successfully, then maybe they will see lil’ something positive that leads them to my Great Saviour.

Then my prayer continues…God use me.  Shine through me.  Love these precious ones through me. Give me your view of them.  Help me love them like You.  Help me be like You.   May they see You, not me.  May they do as You do!

Oct16

Texting and Emapathy, Sympathy, and Healthy Communication

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I enjoy texting.  I enjoy getting words of encouragement and quick funny texts. These make my day more fun.  I like not having to have a whole pointless conversation when all that needs to be communicated is “don’t forget the milk!”  I enjoy Facebook.  I like having a connection with people I would miss out on if there was no Facebook.  I find email very efficient in coordinating and scheduling life and events.  I am definitely NOT anti-technology.  I am discovering Instagram and a new Cartoon Camera app!  I just do not want to lose out on real intimate connection.  I don’t want to hide behind a screen or a phone.  I want to be direct and honest and loving.

I am learning by trial and error as I wade into new water of the teen years!  Phones, texting, email,  Facebook  and technology in general invite a whole new level of parenting.

As I parent through this technology world it causes me to evaluate my own connection in relationships and communication.  Am I present?  Am I connecting or am I distracted by my phone?  Is it fair to the people I am communicating with via Facebook or text?  Is it fair to the people I am physically with?  Am I having healthy communication via a text?  Am I relating well by removing tone and facial expression? Is that an okay conversation to have via text? 

Children have been one of God’s greatest teaching tools for me.  He uses them to love me, to teach me, to challenge me, to convict me, and hopefully to make me a better person.  I want to be able to answer the above questions well, so my children and the people who I love the most know their value to me. 

I want to learn and model being present with my children.  I want to hear what is being said to me.  I want to be heard not only with my words, but with my tone, and my expressions.  I don’t want to lose empathy or sympathy because I am not hearing all that is being communicated.  I want the same things for my children.  I don’t want them disconnected and without the tools to have healthy relationships with healthy communication.  I do not want them to lose their assertiveness and confidence because of an unhealthy dependence on technology.

 So, in the October 2012 issue of Moore Monthly this is what I wrote…

In the technology age that we live sometimes empathy can be difficult to embrace. We message someone, or text them, or send an old-fashioned email and lose tone, feeling, and empathy. Our children are growing up with less interpersonal, live, in the flesh communication. Of course, there are many advantages to this, but a few of the greatest losses; I believe are empathy, sympathy and healthy communication.

According to dictionary.com empathy is, “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” Empathy is when we feel sad for someone because we too have had the same experience. We can relate because we have been there before or had a very similar situation in our own lives. There is a difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is when we feel sad for someone because we know it must be a sad situation.

What happens when we text or message there is a disconnection of what is being said. We and our children hit “send” and often have little consideration of the impact of our words. There becomes little or no “intellectual identification” of our words. No account is taken for how would I feel if this was being said to me or about me.

It is especially difficult to stay connected emotionally if we are involved in another activity while in some other form of communication. For example, if we are having a family dinner and my daughter is texting even one person, how can she possibly stay fully engaged in either experience? We may be receiving some really important information at our family meal, but she is also reading important information on a text. How do we manage all that information at one time? I think we disconnect; therefore, missing out on empathy or sympathy in both experiences.

Some of the steps we have taken to address the lack of empathy and promote accountability are letter writing and journaling. Sometimes the letters are never given, but the processes of writing feelings and thoughts to someone make an impact. After the writing process we discuss what the impact of our actions and words make. It is important to turn the situation around and look at the words from the perspective if they were said to you or about you. Question and discuss the impact of the same situation reversed.

An obvious solution which can be difficult for the parents too, is limiting phone and computer usage. It is okay for our children to not have a phone, even if temporarily. It is okay for our children to not be on Facebook. Parents are too dependent on our phones and devices that we are not modeling healthy ways to communicate and empathize. So, we have to continue to be the grown ups and model empathy, sympathy, and healthy, live communication!

Sep21

Home Alone?!

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ImageThis is a article that I wrote for Moore Monthly’s September 2012 Issue that I thought I would share with you, if you happened to have missed it!

In most of our homes it is necessary to leave our children home a few hours each day or at least sometime during the week.  Due to finances and juggling work and school schedules it is a relief for our children to reach an age to have this option.  

I find it interesting that very few states have specific laws addressing this issue.  In the state of Oklahoma, we as the parent or guardian get to decide at what age to leave our child home alone.  The majority of states, including our own, do not have laws that regulate an age children can be left home unattended.  The few that do have laws concerning this vary in the age restrictions from age 8 to 14. 

It is dangerous to rush into this milestone if your family is not ready.  We may have it in our minds that at a certain age our children can handle it because that is when we started staying home by ourselves.  We may believe it is time because our friends let their kids stay home alone. We may decide it is time because our wallets say it is time!  

I believe in this situation we get to put on our most intuitive, grown-up parent hats and decide on the maturity and responsibility level of our children.  Not all children of the same age can handle the same choices and responsibilities.  We must determine what our children can handle and for what length of time.  You know your child best! 

It is vital to have clear, definite boundaries for our children.  Our children are going to feel safer and be safer during this time if they know exactly what they can and cannot do.  Lots of conversation needs to happen before they are left alone.  Some things to include in this dialogue are: can they answer the phone, the door, can they use the stove or microwave, is it okay for them to go outside or do they need to stay inside. 

 It may be helpful to give them some things to accomplish while they have the house to themselves!  I like to tell my kids they can watch one show and then TV off.  I generally give them a few chores that must be done before I get back.  Give them specific guidelines about what they can eat and what they can do.

 Another issue that comes up at my house when leaving children home alone is “who is in charge?”  You will know best if it is a good idea to leave your children home with siblings.  Again, more conversation is needed on what the boundaries and responsibilities are for each child.  I have found it depends on the length of time I am going to be gone if all three of ours can stay home alone or maybe just two. Sometimes it depends on the day and how everyone is getting along.  We know as parents we must stay flexible!

 We are the parent, the chief, the boss, the responsible adult, so, put on your grown up hat and decide what is best for your house, your children, and your family.

Mar23

I wonder why…

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Any of you know the old Larnell Harris song, “Why”?  Well, that is the tune that has been playing in my head.  I wonder why do the rainy days have to come… does another child have to be diagnosed with cancer, does another child relapse, does one child stay cancer free, why is there mental illness, why do people lie, why don’t people forgive, why are we so prideful, and why is making an apology such a daunting task, why do people kill the innocent??? 

As soon as I really start to ponder these whys, the song by Laura Story, “Blessings” immediately comes to my mind.  I think God has quite a sense of humor, for my prayerful question of Why being followed with “Blessings” or Mandisa’s “Stronger”.  I know I have lived through being made stronger by painful circumstances.  I have had sleepless nights that have for sure brought me closer to Mighty God.  I would not change any of my pain for the strength I have gained or the blessings that could not have come an easier way or the nearness of God that only the broken hearted experience.  I would not have wanted to miss my trips in the valley for the beautiful views that I experienced.  Yet, I still ask why. 

 Maybe it is harder for me to understand seeing someone else in their pain.  I can see all that I gained and maybe even some of the whys from my own pain.  It is difficult to see the value of someone else’s pain.  I can not see what others see when they are in their pain only that they are in pain. Does that make any sense? 

Tonight, Nathan was the perfect height to walk right into the corner of an open cabinet door.  Ouch!  Right?  Of course, he immediately was screaming.  I quickly brought him to my arms and was making every effort to console him.  There was nothing I could do to take the pain that cabinet door caused.  Now obviously, a simple comparison and nothing even comparable to say, a child diagnosed with cancer, but very real pain for Nathan in that moment.  So what did he gain from that?  Why did that have to happen?  Couldn’t I have just told him “Nathan it is important for you to know on your life’s journey do not walk into cabinet doors.”  Funny, that I know that experience tonight will not keep him from never running into a cabinet corner again, but maybe after a few more he might slow down and turn around and watch where he is going.  Maybe it created a few moments for me to hold my precious son, who is generally moving too quickly!

I think it is important to be aware of not placing blame or shaming ourselves.  I am the one that left the cabinet door open.  Was it my fault that Nathan hurt is head?  No.  I was still getting stuff out of that cabinet.  Was it Nathan’s fault that he ran into the cabinet?  No.  He has walked (ran, jumped, twisted, crawled) down the same hall thousands of times and never had that experience.  It was just life happening. But, why?!!!

So, could the answer to why be simple?  We are so unaware that we need our OWN cabinet corner experiences to understand pain.  To develop any empathy we must experience it ourselves?  That God loves us so much He wants to get to hold us when we hurt?  That we have to get sick to know how good healthy feels?  That Laura Story is right?  Maybe a “thousand sleepless nights is what we need to know He’s there”?

I don’t know, but I am thankful that God is okay with me asking, why!  I am also thankful that I do not have to know why.  God does, and He has got this, whatever “this” happens to be at the moment!

For sweet girl, almost 3 year old, Kinsley and her family, “this”, is beginning a fight with leukemia.  For Warrior Creed “this” is his lifetime battle with sickness that has put him back in the PICU and uncertainity again.  For Hannah and her family, “this” is being told the cancer will continue to grow and there is nothing more we can do.  Please, lift these few up as they ask “why”.  Help them and each of us rest in knowing that HE HAS GOT THIS!  He can see the whole front and back of the tapestry!