Tag Archives: god

Oct9

Expectations

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Expectations

I have had this word, expectations, on my mind and in my spirit each time I have thought about writing this post. Initially, I had expectations on my brain because I wanted to tell you all how off my expectations vs. reality of my lumpectomy experience were! First off, those of you who said, “oh, it won’t be bad!”, “Oh, a lumpectomy is easy!” You lied. I forgive you. But you lied. I was expecting it to be easy. Up the next day, moving on with life. I was NOT. For me it was awful! So, my expectations of it being a breeze really knocked me off course when it was an Oklahoma wind storm. I made it through, despite reactions to the anesthesia. I had a rough week and a half this summer because of that “easy” lumpectomy and about a month of some reaction symptoms, mainly ITCHING. Not a major deal now, but still more than I EXPECTED!

The good news was my wonderful surgeon, Dr. Mathias, did get most of the tumor. The bad news is that she was only able to get most of the tumor. So, doctors do all they can with what they can see and what imaging has shown, but these cancer cells do not have a sign on them or present in neon when viewing as a surgeon. So, she got all she could see and took a little more outside the known margins of the tumor, but when the pathology came back some of the those margins were positive. This is okay, and does not change my treatment plan, just something to stay aware of. And of course, we will because I get all kinds of pictures of my insides regularly. I guess it is sorta like an old school portrait studio subscription, but much more involved and way more expensive. Okay, so, maybe it is nothing like that…

At the end of July, I had my regular 3 month imaging. All scans, tests, and pictures looked great! Nothing new and no growth! I am due for this testing and imaging again at the end of the month!

Major life events often carry with them expectations. How things will go and how things will all play out can not NOT carry some expectation. I remember holding Lydia as a baby and praying for her husband. My expectations of who this would be were limited, but I prayed that he would love Jesus, be kind, love her as much as I did and laugh easily. My expectations were too low and my prayers were answered and then some! In August, Lydia got a husband and I got a son. My new son, Hayden loves Lydia so well and has been a wonderful addition to our family!

We had the best time planning and executing the big day and have been so blessed with our family gaining family! In my dreams and plans for my baby, Lydia, I for sure did not expect for woman, Lydia, to not be walked down the aisle by her daddy. I never would have expected to be the one giving her hand to her husband. There was for sure a void and an a missing during the wedding season and on the day of, nonetheless, there was an overwhelming peace and joy and strength that Father God consumed that was sweet and good and oh so real. Despite things not happening how I would have planned or expected, an amazing Father God made it all so peaceful.

I had absolutely no idea and no expectation that when a child gets married that the peace and the joy and the happiness is so big. There were no tears of sadness, but only tears of joy and happiness and such gratitude. So much gratitude. I am also astutely aware that this particular union was made sweet because it was orchestrated by God. Lydia and Hayden were God’s plan. They are God’s best for each other. They make each other better. It is amazing and sweet to see your child love and be loved.

I am still overwhelmed as I type this and reflect on how God works all the things for our good. The surprises, the losses, the quick unexpected turns do not surprise God. He comforts, He guides, He leads, He soothes, He celebrates, He provides, He is with us during the expected and the unexpected. He is with us during a lumpectomy and stupid, dumb reactions to medicine, He is with us when there is cancer in the margins, He is with us when we walk our daughter down the aisle, He is with us when it is good and He is with us when it is awful. He is with us.

Mar15

Purpose, Pain, & Jesus

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Purpose, Pain, & Jesus

I know it has been a cool minute since I have posted. I will tell you in the world of cancer often times, no news is good news! That is currently true for me. I had routine imaging done at the end of January and the results were all good news! No progression, no new disease, and the current disease it still shrinking! I am so, so thankful! I did change medicine and have even had an increase of dosage because after one round my numbers were good. Then again another bump in dosage! At the end of the February I saw my oncologist and we decided to bump it up some more. Thankfully, the medicine is working and my side effects are easy in the scheme of things. I have mostly good days. Some days are better and some days are meh. I have been on the higher dosage since last Friday and it has been a rougher week. So, pray my body adjusts and I have less meh days! I am thankful for my job and season of life allows the flexibility I need to rest and adjust.

We have had much to celebrate and much to grieve these past few months. I have been affected by and attended 4 funerals since the middle of December. This blows my mind as I even type it. We all can just take it one day at a time. As I look back I see and feel WOW, just wow. It has been and it is a lot. I do not know why but, I am always astonished by the sweetness of God’s nearness during times of grief and pain. He brings peace that gives me strength.

I recently read a book, that I 10 out of 10 recommend, “Even If He Doesn’t”, by Kristen LaValley. ONE thing she said that stood out to me was, “when we are obsessed with finding the purpose for everything, we’re seeking comfort in the purpose rather than the comfort of Christ…when we stop trying to squeeze purpose from our pain, we can rest in the peace of God. His peace,-the peace that ‘transcends all understanding’-will hold our hearts perfectly when we don’t understand.”

Now I am not going to lie and say that knowing the purpose never gives me comfort or helps ease the pain, but it cannot be on what I depend. For sure I get giddy and stand in awe when I can look back and see the minute details that were weaved together by Father God. I tend to be a Pollyanna and look for the good and seek the sunshine, but often times in this messy thing we call life it is hard to find the good or wrap our minds around understanding the why. Life is hard. Bad things happen. Fair is often NOT how things land.

So, I guess what I am trying to communicate is knowing and understanding purpose can empower and encourage, but it cannot be where we seek our comfort and peace. We will be disappointed and possibly even hurt more when there is no purpose to find. Healing comfort and peace only comes from and in Jesus. Painful things like cancer, addiction, betrayal, death…, do not make sense and would be senseless to find purpose in, however, Jesus brings comfort amidst all the senseless. God is still so good despite the pain in this world. God is still good during cancer and grief and loss, even when there seems to be no purpose.

And then the celebrating! We had lots of family fun celebrating Christmas. I had a blast at my 47th birthday party! No, I am not too old to have a birthday party game night! I have enjoyed sweet times with friends. I have attended some great events, had fun with my sweet kids, and seen successes with students and colleagues…AND then a few weeks ago my precious first born got engaged to be married! So, shrinking tumors and getting a son in law is a lot of GOOD! I have much to celebrate in the midst of and/or despite pain, loss, and the senseless!

God is good during the celebrations and God is good during the pain. I hope we are all able to see the good and also rest in Jesus during the painful. jj