Oct16

Texting and Emapathy, Sympathy, and Healthy Communication

Posted on October 16, 2012 by Jill's View

I enjoy texting. I enjoy getting words of encouragement and quick funny texts. These make my day more fun. I like not having to have a whole pointless conversation when all that needs to be communicated is “don’t forget the milk!” I enjoy Facebook. I like having a connection with people I would miss out on if there was no Facebook. I find email very efficient in coordinating and scheduling life and events. I am definitely NOT anti-technology. I am discovering Instagram and a new Cartoon Camera app! I just do not want to lose out on real intimate connection. I don’t want to hide behind a screen or a phone. I want to be direct and honest and loving.

I am learning by trial and error as I wade into new water of the teen years! Phones, texting, email, Facebook and technology in general invite a whole new level of parenting.

As I parent through this technology world it causes me to evaluate my own connection in relationships and communication. Am I present? Am I connecting or am I distracted by my phone? Is it fair to the people I am communicating with via Facebook or text? Is it fair to the people I am physically with? Am I having healthy communication via a text? Am I relating well by removing tone and facial expression? Is that an okay conversation to have via text?

Children have been one of God’s greatest teaching tools for me. He uses them to love me, to teach me, to challenge me, to convict me, and hopefully to make me a better person. I want to be able to answer the above questions well, so my children and the people who I love the most know their value to me.

I want to learn and model being present with my children. I want to hear what is being said to me. I want to be heard not only with my words, but with my tone, and my expressions. I don’t want to lose empathy or sympathy because I am not hearing all that is being communicated. I want the same things for my children. I don’t want them disconnected and without the tools to have healthy relationships with healthy communication. I do not want them to lose their assertiveness and confidence because of an unhealthy dependence on technology.

So, in the October 2012 issue of Moore Monthly this is what I wrote…

In the technology age that we live sometimes empathy can be difficult to embrace. We message someone, or text them, or send an old-fashioned email and lose tone, feeling, and empathy. Our children are growing up with less interpersonal, live, in the flesh communication. Of course, there are many advantages to this, but a few of the greatest losses; I believe are empathy, sympathy and healthy communication.

According to dictionary.com empathy is, “the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.” Empathy is when we feel sad for someone because we too have had the same experience. We can relate because we have been there before or had a very similar situation in our own lives. There is a difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is when we feel sad for someone because we know it must be a sad situation.

What happens when we text or message there is a disconnection of what is being said. We and our children hit “send” and often have little consideration of the impact of our words. There becomes little or no “intellectual identification” of our words. No account is taken for how would I feel if this was being said to me or about me.

It is especially difficult to stay connected emotionally if we are involved in another activity while in some other form of communication. For example, if we are having a family dinner and my daughter is texting even one person, how can she possibly stay fully engaged in either experience? We may be receiving some really important information at our family meal, but she is also reading important information on a text. How do we manage all that information at one time? I think we disconnect; therefore, missing out on empathy or sympathy in both experiences.

Some of the steps we have taken to address the lack of empathy and promote accountability are letter writing and journaling. Sometimes the letters are never given, but the processes of writing feelings and thoughts to someone make an impact. After the writing process we discuss what the impact of our actions and words make. It is important to turn the situation around and look at the words from the perspective if they were said to you or about you. Question and discuss the impact of the same situation reversed.

An obvious solution which can be difficult for the parents too, is limiting phone and computer usage. It is okay for our children to not have a phone, even if temporarily. It is okay for our children to not be on Facebook. Parents are too dependent on our phones and devices that we are not modeling healthy ways to communicate and empathize. So, we have to continue to be the grown ups and model empathy, sympathy, and healthy, live communication!

Sep21

Home Alone?!

Posted on September 21, 2012 by Jill's View

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This is a article that I wrote for Moore Monthly’s September 2012 Issue that I thought I would share with you, if you happened to have missed it!

In most of our homes it is necessary to leave our children home a few hours each day or at least sometime during the week. Due to finances and juggling work and school schedules it is a relief for our children to reach an age to have this option.

I find it interesting that very few states have specific laws addressing this issue. In the state of Oklahoma, we as the parent or guardian get to decide at what age to leave our child home alone. The majority of states, including our own, do not have laws that regulate an age children can be left home unattended. The few that do have laws concerning this vary in the age restrictions from age 8 to 14.

It is dangerous to rush into this milestone if your family is not ready. We may have it in our minds that at a certain age our children can handle it because that is when we started staying home by ourselves. We may believe it is time because our friends let their kids stay home alone. We may decide it is time because our wallets say it is time!

I believe in this situation we get to put on our most intuitive, grown-up parent hats and decide on the maturity and responsibility level of our children. Not all children of the same age can handle the same choices and responsibilities. We must determine what our children can handle and for what length of time. You know your child best!

It is vital to have clear, definite boundaries for our children. Our children are going to feel safer and be safer during this time if they know exactly what they can and cannot do. Lots of conversation needs to happen before they are left alone. Some things to include in this dialogue are: can they answer the phone, the door, can they use the stove or microwave, is it okay for them to go outside or do they need to stay inside.

It may be helpful to give them some things to accomplish while they have the house to themselves! I like to tell my kids they can watch one show and then TV off. I generally give them a few chores that must be done before I get back. Give them specific guidelines about what they can eat and what they can do.

Another issue that comes up at my house when leaving children home alone is “who is in charge?” You will know best if it is a good idea to leave your children home with siblings. Again, more conversation is needed on what the boundaries and responsibilities are for each child. I have found it depends on the length of time I am going to be gone if all three of ours can stay home alone or maybe just two. Sometimes it depends on the day and how everyone is getting along. We know as parents we must stay flexible!

We are the parent, the chief, the boss, the responsible adult, so, put on your grown up hat and decide what is best for your house, your children, and your family.

Mar23

I wonder why…

Posted on March 23, 2012 by Jill's View

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Any of you know the old Larnell Harris song, “Why”? Well, that is the tune that has been playing in my head. I wonder why do the rainy days have to come… does another child have to be diagnosed with cancer, does another child relapse, does one child stay cancer free, why is there mental illness, why do people lie, why don’t people forgive, why are we so prideful, and why is making an apology such a daunting task, why do people kill the innocent???

As soon as I really start to ponder these whys, the song by Laura Story, “Blessings” immediately comes to my mind. I think God has quite a sense of humor, for my prayerful question of Why being followed with “Blessings” or Mandisa’s “Stronger”. I know I have lived through being made stronger by painful circumstances. I have had sleepless nights that have for sure brought me closer to Mighty God. I would not change any of my pain for the strength I have gained or the blessings that could not have come an easier way or the nearness of God that only the broken hearted experience. I would not have wanted to miss my trips in the valley for the beautiful views that I experienced. Yet, I still ask why.

Maybe it is harder for me to understand seeing someone else in their pain. I can see all that I gained and maybe even some of the whys from my own pain. It is difficult to see the value of someone else’s pain. I can not see what others see when they are in their pain only that they are in pain. Does that make any sense?

Tonight, Nathan was the perfect height to walk right into the corner of an open cabinet door. Ouch! Right? Of course, he immediately was screaming. I quickly brought him to my arms and was making every effort to console him. There was nothing I could do to take the pain that cabinet door caused. Now obviously, a simple comparison and nothing even comparable to say, a child diagnosed with cancer, but very real pain for Nathan in that moment. So what did he gain from that? Why did that have to happen? Couldn’t I have just told him “Nathan it is important for you to know on your life’s journey do not walk into cabinet doors.” Funny, that I know that experience tonight will not keep him from never running into a cabinet corner again, but maybe after a few more he might slow down and turn around and watch where he is going. Maybe it created a few moments for me to hold my precious son, who is generally moving too quickly!

I think it is important to be aware of not placing blame or shaming ourselves. I am the one that left the cabinet door open. Was it my fault that Nathan hurt is head? No. I was still getting stuff out of that cabinet. Was it Nathan’s fault that he ran into the cabinet? No. He has walked (ran, jumped, twisted, crawled) down the same hall thousands of times and never had that experience. It was just life happening. But, why?!!!

So, could the answer to why be simple? We are so unaware that we need our OWN cabinet corner experiences to understand pain. To develop any empathy we must experience it ourselves? That God loves us so much He wants to get to hold us when we hurt? That we have to get sick to know how good healthy feels? That Laura Story is right? Maybe a “thousand sleepless nights is what we need to know He’s there”?

I don’t know, but I am thankful that God is okay with me asking, why! I am also thankful that I do not have to know why. God does, and He has got this, whatever “this” happens to be at the moment!

For sweet girl, almost 3 year old, Kinsley and her family, “this”, is beginning a fight with leukemia. For Warrior Creed “this” is his lifetime battle with sickness that has put him back in the PICU and uncertainity again. For Hannah and her family, “this” is being told the cancer will continue to grow and there is nothing more we can do. Please, lift these few up as they ask “why”. Help them and each of us rest in knowing that HE HAS GOT THIS! He can see the whole front and back of the tapestry!

Mar15

I Hate Homework!

Posted on March 15, 2012 by Jill's View

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I hate homework. I hated it as a 6^th grade Sky Ranch Mustang. I hated it all my years at Moore West Junior High. I hated homework as a high school student at Westmoore. By college I was used to it! However, upon graduating college I was so glad to have the hefty, always there, weight of homework off of my shoulders!

To my horror, as a grown up, as a parent, I have not found homework to be any better and in many ways, it is worse! First, it is worse because there is somewhat more responsibility as a parent to schedule adequate time and space for homework to be done. Second, which is slightly horrifying, is that we as parents are expected to know how to do the homework and be an available resource. Finally, when called upon to be that resource we cannot just do the homework, but must lead our children in the proper direction so they can learn and come to their own conclusions.

It is challenging for me not to wonder if the teachers realize how busy we are. We like to just kick it in the evening- that is- when there is not a church function, dance class, soccer practice, gymnastics meet…our lives are busy! We don’t have time for homework. Do we do homework right after school and get it done? I do not like that option, we all need a little decompress time. Give some down time and then hit the books? Then it is time for dinner and all these books and papers are on the dinner table. Do we do homework after dinner and then it takes longer than expected and it really is time for bed!

So we find a time to do the homework and we as parents are called upon because our child did not understand that part in class. How long ago did I learn how to divide fractions? I did not learn to do long division that way! Thankfully, it gives me great comfort in knowing that Moore Public Schools does offer a math hotline (405.735.4645)! However, what is it saying to my children if I don’t understand it either, and the fact that I have not needed these particular skills in the last twenty years?!

I do find some satisfaction when the homework is easy to me! However, the struggle then becomes how much do I do, how much do I help? Many times I just want to yank the pencil and paper and say “let me do it!” I always seem to have this struggle during science fair time. I was never a science genius but I did happen to be successful during science fairs. In actuality, the science fair process and procedures have not really changed in the last twenty years. The science fair has various steps that must be followed and necessary for a good grade. The struggle in our house generally comes at the end when it is time to assemble the board. I could very easily just say, “go to bed, I will do this!”

I do not like that these adolescent behaviors and attitudes come out of me when it comes to homework! As a grown up, I do understand the value of learning it for oneself. I know that my children will be better people when they understand the concepts they are learning. I am married to an educator, so I know homework is often necessary. I accept that there is great value in repetition of math facts and sight words and various other things. I know that the school day does not allow adequate time for all that needs to be accomplished for our students to achieve all that they can. I recognize and accept that it is not only the teacher’s responsibility to prepare my children for tests and well, life. I am also aware that my children being my children could possibly be slightly more concerned about conversations and social activities than fractions or spelling and, therefore, not get all accomplished that is necessary during their school day.

Homework is a large part about responsibility and discipline. I want my children to have a good work ethic and be responsible adults. So for that I would have to admit as a parent I am thankful that homework does teach these precious people about responsibility. I want them to manage and be disciplined with their time. It is just a struggle on the grown up side of homework to know how to respond and handle the Sunday night 9pm drama of “I forgot about that, I HAVE to turn it in tomorrow!” Have I failed this weekend as a parent? Were we too busy to take care of our responsibilities? Should I have asked a few more times about homework? Did I ask about homework? Is it my job to ask about homework? Do I allow her to stay up to finish what she had all weekend to do? Do I want her to start her week out tired and cranky? Do I want her to get a zero?

These are some of the reasons, why the little girl inside of me, still hates homework!

It is necessary for me to put my adolescent thoughts aside and put on my grown up hat and be the grown up! This means creating a positive environment for homework. It means making a place at the table or desk for successful homework to be done. It means being available to help and encourage my children. One thing I have discovered is that many times homework is homework because they need one on one help with an assignment. It is impossible for our teachers with a 1 to 26 ratio to be able to instruct our students with the necessary one on one help that they need for optimum success. So, I cannot just say “go, do your homework.” My child needs me to do my homework, which during this season is helping them with their homework.

Some solutions that help me to overcome my detest of homework have been about attitude. Attitude impacts so much of what we do as people. My children know I don’t like homework, but they do not know I hate it. I make every effort to remain positive in all that they bring home to start and to finish. I want them to know that I am so excited about their opportunities to learn new sight words or complete a science experiment!

As a family we strive to encourage one another and be excited about what one another are learning. We have found it successful for us to encourage one another in our learning. Even my four year old gets excited when his sisters make a 100% on a test or project. The whole family is excited when AR (Accelerated Reader) goals are met or one of them gets a good grade on a report or test. On the same hand my older children love to get to help their little brother with whatever letter he is learning each week.

It often astounds me how different each child from same family really is. Our precious middle daughter is a sponge and wants to soak up all she can learn. She is our child that comes in the house after school pulling out her binder ready to do her homework. Our eldest child is the one that needs a big prod and pushes and sometimes a pull to get going on her homework. It is important to recognize the differences in our children and meet them where they are. I have learned often the hard way that they each process and learn in different ways and most of the time different from me. This is all okay and one of the joys of parenting multiple children even during homework time! I will have to admit it is fun to see their little minds process basics of life that they are learning and experiencing for the first time.

It is difficult to face that just when you thought you were passed one drudgery of life that in reality the hard part has just started! Homework is harder as a parent. We do love our children enough to take an active role in instilling life principles of responsibility and discipline. Homework is one way we can do that. I am going to hold on to the hope that maybe homework will be better as a grandparent! Until then, press on, no more whining, and let us keep our grown up hats in place!

Mar13

Step One

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Jill's View

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The first step is always the hardest, right?!

I have felt God leading me to begin a blog for several months. Well, I have created a blog! Written the “About” section and am now posting my first post! So, although a little slow, I am moving forward! Where will He lead?….