Gods faithfulness | Jill's View

This Spring I was dropped back into the foreign land of cancer. Fourteen years ago I visited this foreign land with my son. So, I am familiar with many of the customs and the language. However, it is a different perspective here as the patient. I do not have the blind innocence of a child. I know and understand what the words mean. I carry the weight of responsibilities of an adult, of a mom, of a sister, daughter, a friend, a teacher… I walked with a warrior through his battle and this gives me comfort and determination. I have also walked through other painful, traumatic seasons and am confident in a sovereign, powerful God. My great God goes before me, beside me, and behind me. Previous experiences have taught me I do not have to know and understand all the whys and reasons to be able to walk with joy, peace, and wonder despite the awful and the unknown. And the unknown is one of my biggest battles. It is in the waiting and the unknown I must most lean into a loving Father.

There have already been sweet times with Jesus as I have been in this battle land. One of these experiences was during an MRI. If you have ever had an MRI you will know that they are not the most fun, nor relaxing, or really have any enjoyable qualities. It is awkward, cold, uncomfortable, and loud. I had heard horror stories of claustrophobia and panic. However, I did go in prepared to make it through despite discomfort and knowing it was a short time of the day. I could do it.

For this MRI I was face down. This was good because I could not see anything except the table beneath me. However, this was not good for the very same reason, I could not see anything except the table beneath me. My face was in a massage table-type pillow, however, this was not a massage. My arms and hands were stretched beside and above my head. One arm had an IV for dye and the other hand had a “panic” or a “if you need anything” button. The table slides the body feet first back into a tube. I had noise-canceling headphones on that did not cancel the noise, but muted it.

As I was sliding into the tube and as the noise increased I began to feel a little anxious and all of a sudden felt very thirsty, felt every point of discomfort up and down my body, and immediately hated my non-existent view. So, I slowed my breathing and began to pray. I thanked God for His goodness, His faithfulness to me, I thanked Him for my people, and the strong support of people all around me. I thought that 25 minutes was not too long and that I could sit and do nothing for 25 minutes and often longed for just 25 minutes to lay there. I reminded myself of the fact that people survived an MRI every day and there were people available on the other side of the wall. I began to feel peace and the sweet presence of the Holy Spirit surround me and hold me. I was impressed that nothing is for nothing. I asked Him, how could I be used and what could I learn?

My church has the motto, “Love God, Love People, and Push Back Darkness”. This is not something at the forefront of my mind all the time, but it became very vivid to me in this machine. I want this motto/charge/statement to be at the forefront of my mind as I continue this journey. I have already had so many interactions with people my path would have never crossed if not for this part of my journey. So, I continued to thank Him, first for you, my children, the Big Ten, my sweet friends, my community group, my Lion family, and everyone I have known up until now.

Then I began thanking Him for the people on this journey with me. The doctors, nurses, aides, technicians, clerks…I have already met so many people and {most} all of them have been kind and doing their jobs to the best of their ability. So, I decided this is what I could do throughout this journey is to love God, love people, and push back darkness. I am all about taking pictures, so I am now attempting to take pictures with some of the people I encounter along the journey. No matter our jobs or our daily routines we can all get perfunctory with routine interactions and I have seen this with these interactions too. It has already been fun to see a little darkness pushed back, just by simply thanking people for doing their job and asking people to take a picture with me!

Since, this first MRI, I have had a PET Scan and an additional MRI of liver. I have met with a different oncologist and a breast surgeon. I have been diagnosed with Stage 3b OR 4 breast cancer. I have had a port placed and am just ready to FIGHT. There has been SO MUCH WAITING! Today, 7.6.23, I met again with my oncologist. I have a liver biopsy scheduled for July 19th, which means more waiting. I really do not want to wait for the biopsy results to begin treatment, however, this is the current course!

I have also started the process to be seen at MD Anderson in Houston. I have had a doctor tell me I am special, of course, she did! I would hate to do anything the easy way, so my doctors did encourage me and suggested MD Anderson would be good for my special case. So, pray that insurance, approvals, referrals, records, and all the things happen that need to happen to get me there as soon as possible or you know whenever.

Please, continue to pray for NO CANCER in the liver. I have never wanted a cyst, fatty liver, tissue, or inflammation so badly. If the liver is cancerous, then, treatment begins with hormone blockers. I also, never thought I would be HOPING to GET to have chemo, which would mean cancer is localized! So much of life is about perspective. I really am trying to appreciate the journey, but this bumpy, winding road is exhausting! It is worse than riding backward in the back of a station wagon through the back roads of Arkansas/Missouri!

I hope you are enjoying your journey too, whether it be from the back of a station wagon or the front seat of a jet plane! Thank you for your continued love and support! jill j.

When my son, Nathan, was 2 and a half years old he was diagnosed with Stage 3 Wilm’s Tumor, which is a kidney cancer. He had one kidney removed, underwent radiation, and had almost a year of chemotherapy treatment. Nathan has now been cancer-free for 12 years (as of 8/23)!

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I am aware of childhood cancer every month, every day, but September is a time to focus efforts and bring awareness to everyone. The need for awareness is because of the lack of funding for childhood cancer research. Due to limited funding, there is limited research to discover the causes of childhood cancer. Children do not get cancer for the same reasons adults do. Childhood cancers are not generally caused by smoking or sun or plastic or microwaves or cell phones or too much whatever, they are children and have not had enough time to do anything to cause this awful disease. So, too many kids get cancer and the cause is unknown! Also, due to limited funding, there are limited treatment options. Therefore, children are treated with adult protocols. Yes, they are adjusted for children, but the fact is kids and grown-ups are different and even when adjusted they are still treatments created for bigger bodies that are done growing and changing.

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No matter the age, cancer is awful. Not all people are cured of cancer on Earth. All of that to say…I am so thankful for the treatment options and the healing that so many adults and children have because of the treatment available. Eight years ago Nathan’s dad and I agreed to all treatment possible knowing the risks. We chose and would choose again to do everything possible to fight cancer.

Each Fall Nathan returns to the “Clinic” at OU Children’s Hospital for his annual check-up. Thankfully, for him most of the time it is fun. He has more memories that are good than bad, which is an answer to my prayer. He does not remember the long hospital stays, being sick, or any fear. He is comfortable with having blood drawn, he does not mind the warm jelly (ultrasound), the stickers all over( EKG) are routine, he thinks it is cool to pee in a cup, and he would be fine going in the donut (CT Scan), but thankfully he no longer has to do that. He likes getting to see friends (nurses and clinic staff), he likes getting a cookie from Kamp’s, and he sometimes talks me into eating in the cafeteria, although, I do have many memories from eating in that cafeteria, so we generally avoid it!

Last Fall was Nathan’s 7th year check-up off treatment. His check-up was harder on both of us for a few reasons. Nathan’s TLC (Taking on Life After Cancer) doctor is amazing! Since he is amazing he does a really great job of meeting kids where they are developmentally. Now that Nathan is 11, 10 at the time of this appointment, the doctor was educating him on his medical history and just making sure he had a good understanding of what happened to him and what the risks were because of his treatment. These were things like possible secondary cancers developing, kidney failure in one good kidney, infertility, heart failure, spine damage, and skin cancer due to radiation…often these late effects are seen around puberty as the body is changing. Yea, it was a real fun appointment! Okay, no it wasn’t! Nathan and I were both shell shocked! None of what he shared was new information to me, but most I choose not to think about and do not need to think about because my boy is now strong and healthy!

The other reason we did not like that appointment was because of some of Nathan’s lab results. No cancer, still cancer-free! However, his results showed concern about his remaining kidney. This could have been caused by a few different things, so we agreed to make extra effort to drink lots of fluids and come back in a few weeks. We did that and numbers were higher, we drank more, and came back again. Numbers even higher. Then, we were sent to a pediatric nephrologist (kid’s kidney doctor).

In January 2018, we met with the nephrologist and she quickly, bluntly told us that “Nathan had stage 3 kidney disease and would need a kidney transplant within the next few years. Hopefully, he could avoid dialysis and go straight to transplant. I am so very sorry, see you in 6 months.” This was caused by the late effects of chemo. Yea, another great appointment! Not!

Precious Nathan, afterward, decided he “did not really like that doctor and he thought a transplant would really hurt, because, when he had his tonsils out he thought he was going to die, it hurt so bad, and he thought a transplant might be way worse!”

The one good thing from appointment was that he did not need to go back for 6 months and there was nothing we needed to do. I have learned that when they want to get you in as soon as possible that is bad. Six months until you need to come in again is a good thing. No call from the doctor is a great thing.

This also meant 6 months to pray. Six months to lay my boy on the altar of God again. Six months to anoint his head with oil and pray healing. Six months for our support community to lift Nathan up to our Father. Six months to accept. Six months to trust. Six months to believe God knows best. Six months to increase our faith and know that no matter God’s answer He is faithful. Six months to know “even if ” we will trust.

So, in late July I picked up my boy from children’s camp to take him for the 6 month follow up. Same doctor, nephrologist, but she had a different demeanor and a pep in her step! She said that Nathan’s numbers were so much better! After getting his current labs, he was now stage 2 chronic kidney disease! Who would have thought we would be so excited about stage 2 chronic kidney disease?!?! (It is all about perspective, people!) People live with stage 2. People do not get a kidney transplant with stage 2! No check-up for a year! Woohoo! A much better appointment! A few days later Nathan saw his regular pediatrician for another check-up and she was shocked by our news. She said it was rare for anyone to go down a stage! What?! Wow!!! We know our God is AMAZING!

We praise God for this healing! We know that it is God’s grace and mercy. We would have praised God no matter what, but we are so thankful for this answer. God is so good even if…We trust God through cancer, we trust God through the unknown, we trust God through chronic kidney disease.

It is never a dull moment for the Jcrew! I could say so much more about how amazing our Father is and I could say more about how grateful I am to get to be mom to 3 incredible kids, but I won’t today! We love you and are so thankful for your continued prayers and support of our family! We continue to enjoy every moment and appreciate them all!

Jill's View

Category Archives: Gods faithfulness

First MRI and Journey Launch

Even If

When my son, Nathan, was 2 and a half years old he was diagnosed with Stage 3 Wilm’s Tumor, which is a kidney cancer. He had one kidney removed, underwent radiation, and had almost a year of chemotherapy treatment. Nathan has now been cancer-free for 12 years (as of 8/23)!

Precious Nathan, afterward, decided he “did not really like that doctor and he thought a transplant would really hurt, because, when he had his tonsils out he thought he was going to die, it hurt so bad, and he thought a transplant might be way worse!”

We praise God for this healing! We know that it is God’s grace and mercy. We would have praised God no matter what, but we are so thankful for this answer. God is so good even if…We trust God through cancer, we trust God through the unknown, we trust God through chronic kidney disease.