Generally growth is a good thing. We want our plants to grow. We want to grow in our skills and knowledge. Growth is often seen as positive. Growth represents life, learning, and moving forward.

It has been over a year since my diagnosis. Last summer had so many unknowns and so. much. WAITING! When I finally began treatment things began shrinking and disappearing! I had a few bumps and pivots due to side effects which led to change in drugs. I have had adjustments and adapted to side effects, which are so minor in the scheme of things. I was just trucking along.

Then in early May I had my regularly scheduled on treatment plan mammogram and ultrasound. The radiologists doctor who read that report was mean and hateful and ugly. Okay, honestly, at this moment I cannot tell you if that doctor was a man or woman, old, young, black, white, tall, short, spoke softly or loudly…But they said the vile word, GROWTH. Okay, so probably, they are a superb doctor, person, and completely fine human, but I did not like what they said. This was the first time since on treatment that I had heard the word growth.

Each test/image/scan I have had since being on treatment has resulted in no new growth, no progression. I had become comfortable with treatment, side effects and living life fighting cancer. So, to be told “I see growth” was a punch to the stomach. It took about a day for me to lean up from the punch and then I was ready to learn more and know next steps, but then it was the weekend. And then more waiting for this doctor to see report and then referrals made, and then their nurse is out all week and they have no openings, and yada, yada, yada, which took me back to last summer and all the waiting! However, this waiting also gave me time to get the place of acceptance which is where peace lives. Accepting again, there are so many things that I am powerless against. Accepting that yes, I am still fighting. Accepting that I might need to change treatment plans. Accepting again that God is bigger and greater than me FOR SURE and so much greater than cancer.

So, after the decade of more waiting, which was actually about a week and a half, I had some more information and an appointment with a surgeon to plan for a lumpectomy. Fast forward through the waiting and appointments with oncologist, lab work, meeting with surgeon, another MRI, and a scout placement, I am scheduled for a lumpectomy July 2nd. After I had a breast MRI the brilliant, beautiful, wonderful, kind doctor said she in fact did not think the primary tumor had grown, but that the mammogram just shows the difference of the tissue because of how big the tumor was. This is confusing and most of us if we see the imaging it would all look the same, like blobs or gray mazes on a screen. I just really liked hearing that there was not growth! I do not know that I will ever know if there was growth or not, but the fact is that the primary tumor from Spring 2023 to Summer 2024 has decreased in size significantly!

I know you are wondering, why not a mastectomy, why do you even still have those things?!? Now, based on my limited, recent education, understanding, and my new citizenship in the land of breast cancer here is a little lesson about stage 4 breast cancer. Stage 4, metastatic breast cancer, or cancer that has metastasized, which means the cancer has moved to other parts of the body, is treated somewhat differently than stages 1-3. Once the primary tumor in the breast is not the only cancer in the body, then as my surgeon explained, it becomes a game, albeit a very serious game, of whack-a-mole. The reason a mastectomy is done is to remove the cancer, all the tissue around it, and prevent it from spreading. After it has spread the game changes. A mastectomy removes the entire breast. A lumpectomy is a surgery to take the lump. The primary tumor. Now there are various other factors that determine lumpectomy versus mastectomy, such as size of tumor, genetics, and just the type of cancer cells. However, one of the big factors is if it has metastasized or not. The reason I did not initially have a lumpectomy was because the tumor was so large and it would not be helpful if the malignancies did not respond to treatment. Now that I have had a great response to treatment and most of the malignancies have either disappeared or shrunk significantly it is best to take that primary tumor out in case there is any chance of there being or ever being growth!

Another question I get is, why no chemo. (Again, this is based on my own understanding.) No chemo is also because of the difference with if it has metastasized (spread) or not. Part of chemo’s purpose is to kill the cancer. The chemo is tailored to the different types of cancer cells. The chemo is to kill the cancer and prevent it from spreading. So, when it has already spread then it is in different parts of the body, in my case the lymph nodes and liver. Treatment then is to stop it from continuing to grow and spread. After it is in the system, in the blood, it does not go away and can not be completely eliminated. If it were to progress to other parts of the body or grow where it has already been, then chemo may be the next step or whack of the mole. For now my treatment plan is inhibitors and hormone blockers.

Physically I feel pretty good most of the time. I have days/times when I feel yuk, but generally not enough to not be able live my life how I want and go and do what I want with some adjustments and adaptations. There are some uncomfortable and annoying side effects, but completely livable. I do find my stamina is limited and there is some fatigue, but again manageable. I am so blessed and have a life that allows me to easily accommodate for these annoyances.

Regarding the spiritual and emotional aspect of this. Emotionally it can be a roller coaster, but mostly one without a height restriction. Spiritually it is sweet. I continue to feel comforted and held up by my loving Father God. I do not believe the lie that “God will not give you more than you can handle”. I have been given or allowed or come across and experienced way more, like overflowing more than I can handle. This is the sweet part. It is these annoyances and the bone chilling greatest fears that become a reality that are so much more than I can handle where I feel the hand of God holding me, drawing me close, and being my strength.

If you have not read it yet, I again recommend Kristen LaValley’s book, Even If He Doesn’t. The truths she expresses in this book are exactly what I have experienced during this journey through cancer and previous life experiences. Bad things happen, we experience great pain and loss. We pray and plead and beg God for certain outcomes. Sometimes these prayers are answered exactly how we want. and we are happy and overjoyed because our prayers are answered how we want. Sometimes we are mystified and confused because we do not get the answers and outcomes we want. The point is no matter Father God, the maker of the universe is with us. He is near.

If you are a parent or have ever had any interactions with a child or an immature person then you have had an experience where the child is going berserk, throwing a fit. Maybe, there is not even a tantrum, but just different perspectives of a situation. Hopefully, as the adult in the situation you have been able to stay calm and see the situation for what it is. You know not being able to cross that street, have that toy, go to that party, do that thing…is not going to end a life and that the tantrum, although very real, is not the end all of life as we know it. As an adult or matured person with an understanding of safety, schedules, finances, health, whatever… that the tantrum/strong emotion inducing situation is going to be okay and the child will go on to live a full life despite not getting what they want so badly right then. Sometimes there is the beautiful benefit of that child/person eventually understanding, oh, yea, they were right I did not need that totally amazing thing right then and my life has been better without that experience. Sadly, we often do not get the benefit of an admission of that, but ya’ know, yay, when we do.

All of that set up to say I think this is a part of faith and the good kind of growth. Yes, cancer is a big deal. There are a lot of really big deals in life. But is it, are they, really that big in the scheme of eternity? If God heals me. If all of this treatment heals me. If I live another 47 years or 37 years or if I only live another day, if the cancer spreads and progresses or completely disappears… God is still good. God is still in control of all the things. God knows. Father God is with me. Jesus made a way for me to always be with Him. He is with me during every side effect. He is with me with each progression or no evidence of disease. He is with me thru all the hard things in life and relationships. The point is I trust Jesus, I trust Father God, and I am so thankful and full of peace because of the sweet Holy Spirit. I want to be the child who trusts when I do not like the answer. I want to be the child that quickly says, okay, Father, I trust you, I do not like it, but I trust You. I want to be the child that may have a tantrum, but after calming down, easily admits my trust in His working all the things. Faith is the belief and understanding that thru my melt downs and as I scream my questions and doubts, and have a tantrum Father God validates it all, holds me, is with me, and loves me.

My prayer requests: 1. easy surgery July 2nd and the recovery, 2. easing of side effects >>>sleeping/resting, intestinal health and ease/relief from ITCHING!, 3.my kids as they each face challenges and triumphs in their own lives, 4. Wedding planning & prep! Lydia and Hayden get married, August 11th!